moving on

things that are moving on:

cj. found a cabin on 50 acres 10 minutes away from his college (by car). if you know cj, it is perfect for him. if you don't, trust me. my friends wendy and linda and i have always called him our boy from the country and he truly is. apparently, this couple he's renting from built this cabin to live in while they built their home (also on the 50 acres). 2 of the acres are on the blanco river - one of cj's and his cousin bill's favorite places to fish. the owners have told him he can have free access to any of the acreage to ride his bike, start a garden, help them build some trails (theirs for horses, his for his bike). and he really has his head in school this semester which is great. he moves in this weekend. my heart's breaking in a way not to have him here but i know it's perfect for him. and i'm told the end result of being a good parent is that your children grow up, move on and out and are good, responsible people. i don't feel like such a good parent most days but i do have the most wonderful 4 children on the planet. at least in my book. but boy will i miss him!

things that are not moving on:

me. i don't know why, two years later, i seem to be in a worst place than i was when everything was first happening or last year. i was with a friend recently who broke up with her partner of 11 years 2 1/2 years ago. she says you can't put a timetable on it. i was with two other friends who broke up after 10 years then got back together almost two years later and now they've been together 17 years. i've got people telling me all kinds of things but nothing makes sense and all i know is how much i hurt. how many questions i have and how many answers i'm never going to get. i wonder somedays if people will ever be able to recognize me without tears in my eyes or if i'll be able to have a conversation without the pieces of my shattered heart choking out the words. i know i'm not the only one who's been through this and i know a lot of people have had it a lot worse. but i also know how much we loved each other despite our problems and she still feels more like home than life without her. some days my children are my only hope but as long as there is hope we'll keep plodding along.

it's hard to believe it's already easter week. last year we had a big party here with all the family - cousins and everything. just couldn't pull it off this year but i've got a dear friend coming for the weekend to visit with her son's family and she's going to stay here so that is very special. we were invited to a passover meal on saturday night but don't think that's going to work out.

for now, have to go get ready to head out. cory's coming over and we're going to run some errands. how could i ever move very far away from austin and miss these times with my kiddos? as the french and english would say: impossible.