parents

i think that being a mom is the hardest thing in the world. (substitute dad for mom if appropriate) even when you have the best children in the world, it's still hard. you want to fix their every ill, their every disappointment, every let down and buffer every piece of bad news. but that's not the way it goes. it's even harder when you're on your own and the person you raised those children with is no longer around. not in your life; not in their lives. it's not only hard it's sad and i just realized today that it's one of the things that makes me the saddest about the end of my 10-year relationship. these are the days where it would have been just me and her with the kiddos coming for visits from time to time. i guess there's just no sense imaging your life to that degree given the propensity for the universe to get things off course.

i get through most days better now and i try not to show any sadness around the kids when they're here, after all, none of them even understand WHY i'm still sad about it - but 10 years with who you thought was a good woman and your life partner is a long time and a lot of disillusionment to deal with. and everything's a "scratch" - right kiki?

cj came by this afternoon and that was a nice surprise. cory and andi are coming over later to trade cars with me for the weekend. they're going to jackson, mississippi to pick up one of cory's good friends then returning to austin. tre's going to visit for a week then take the bus back to jackson i'd much rather they take my car than cory's, nice as it is, they'll get much better gas mileage with my car and have more room. aren't you happy to know that.

it's funny but two different people told me this week that they wish gigi was still living here because they miss all the stories about her. i was going to try to get her up here some time soon but i've got to go to d.c. (home of the cherry blossom romance) the week of the 18th; then to phoenix april 27-29 and then to portland may 6-9. so it will be some time after that before i can get her here. but i'm hoping she'll stay for a little while - i think it would be good for her although not so good for buddy and shilo - they're spoiled enough. it's also going to be on the condition that i pick her up and bring her home. if she thinks she's going to drive here in her cadillac - the QE2 version - she's out of her mind. she's the incredible shrinking woman for one thing and there aren't enough phone books in houston to help her see over the steering wheel. yet she continues to drive herself to the doctors and elsewhere - i'm thinking of getting bumper stickers and door stickers and signs for the front of her car that people can read in their rear-view windows that say, "IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE, STAY AWAY FROM THIS CAR"

maybe we can accidentally have her car stolen while she's visiting with me in may . . . . . hmmmm. there would be a lot fewer consequences than my sister, brother or i calling the texas department of public safety and reporting her as a loose cannon.

shilo is asleep in her favorite place - alongside the length of my left leg stretched out on the couch. buddy has taken his own place at the end of the couch rather than snuggle against my right hip. hopefully i haven't offended him somehow. i have lost 24 pounds so maybe he thinks there's not enough of a cushion although, louie knows there's plenty still left. 24 pounds down with another 42 to go. still, headed in the right direction.

my wildflowers out back are glorious and more glorious every day. never one to overdo it (snicker) i bought a bag of wildflower seed intended for an entire field and sowed them in a bed that's about 15 x 6. the birds and butterflies are loving it. day before yesterday i took nancy scott's suggestion and planted some marigolds. i don't really like marigolds all that much but every time i see them they remind me of her beautiful song and they're supposed to keep bugs away. this is texas. i don't think there's a marigold of any size to keep our bugs away. this summer i'm going to have an orange, pink and purple theme in the garden. i'm hoping to get more of it done this weekend and i SO wish my friend sykes (as cj insists i call her instead of her given name of ali) would come up for a weekend and let me pay her to help me in the garden. you should see the gardens she creates. they are amazing. as much as i love (and miss) my garden at stolen rock, the most beautiful garden i ever had was in houston on euclid street and it was a garden that sykes surprised me with. english country garden garden with climbing roses and lavender and things i still don't know the name for. it was glorious and you could NOT stay in a bad mood whenever you saw it. i wish i had photographs of it.

i'm also thinking about having the boys extend my back deck all the way to the fence. it will give me room for an outdoor "farm" table so we can have meals outside and give me more of a porch feel for rockers and the like. i got callie and chloe little "texas" rocking chairs from my friend kiki and can't wait to have them rock awhile for the first time.

the sun is setting - a glorious texas burnt orange setting with just the right amount of pink - so i think i'll end this and go enjoy it.

peace -