christmas

my "children" are no longer children and are each doing their thing today elsewhere. cj is working at the ski resort in NM; kells and brian are with his family in upstate NY; cory & andi are at her parent's house fixing a gourmet meal (we're talking serious gourmet); and nowell and kristen are celebrating with other family members. tomorrow, nowell, cory, kristen and andi will be here and i can't wait. gigi is spending the weekend with me after spending christmas eve with rick & joanie and their family. when they got her here around 9 she was so tired she practically fell into bed.

i took her to mass at the catholic cathedral downtown (thank goodness they had a noon mass or we would have never gotten her there on time). i'll admit it was beautiful inside and out - incredible stained glass windows, carvings on the altar, ultramarine blue domed ceiling with gold stars over the altar - just like the ceiling of the sistine chapel before michaelangelo did his thing. seriously.

i felt both "at home" and like a stranger in that setting. it's what i grew up with; my children started out in catholic school and sunday school . . . now i have so many issues with organized religion of any kind . . . especially those that condemn others or think they are the only ones who know the truth. there were so many things that made me uncomfortable this morning at mass although i didn't let it show because i knew mom was glad to be there. it's ironic but i've spent the past month or so reading about italy and popes and popes' families and the artists they were patrons to . . . . the book i'm reading now has delved especially into the ironies of the roman catholic church. when the priest at mass this morning went through one of the litanies where he read "sixtus" as one of the saints i couldn't believe it . . . the things we 're told and repeat and never even think about or look into ourselves. that mary being a virgin didn't even make it's way into the story of jesus of nazareth until years and years and years after peter and jesus' other friends shared his story with anyone who would listen. how the papal conclave and the taxes levied by popes were so corrupt - in some instances constituted outright crimes - yet in the catholic faith they still extol some of these men as saints. in fact, choosing a pope by way of conclave was something that the church leaders invented to suit their needs in a society rife with corruption. the sistine chapel would have never been painted by michaelangelo if it weren't for the pride and egomania of pope julius. someone who would probably be seen as a criminal in today's society.

the "beauty" of the windows, the gold and carvings on the altar - just in this one little church in austin alone, much less what they have at the vatican and other churches across the world - could be sold to make a real difference in the lives of the suffering. in fact, there was a homeless person trying to sleep in one of the doorways of the church as we went in. i'm not making a judgment on the people of this parish or their priests; i'm sure they all do much good - it just all seems so ironic.

then we have the natural disasters that occur - flooding and mud slides in southern california . . . . blizzards along the east coast of the u.s. . . . the killings in iraq, afghanistan, pakistan . . . . the cyclones and flooding in australia . . . all things that have existed since time began. i asked my dad once if he thought the world was getting worse and he said "no, it's just getting bigger and communication is getting faster so there's an onslaught of information from everywhere; things people would not have known about so quickly in 'the old days.' and when disasters happen, they impact more people than they would have 50 or 100 or 1,000 years ago because of the increased population."

and then i think about how i was given the greatest gift ever - what i had always wanted . . . what i had always asked for . . . 4 beautiful children . . . and i couldn't even do the "job," or more appropriately the "blessing" of being a mom right. who am i to judge anyone else about anything?

when i saw the children at mass this morning it made me sad for all the times i missed with my children as they were growing up. i know i had lots of great times with them and was with them through illnesses and griefs too but, all in all, they deserved so much more. i wanted to go up to each and every mother and father in that church and ask them if they knew how much of a gift their children were and to tell them to always keep them first. so i just said a little silent prayer. one of my children told me recently that they don't pray to anything but "prayer" is just a conversation or plea to something outside of ourselves. it's not just about religion. i didn't argue about the definition of prayer when my son said that - it doesn't matter - he's one of the best people i know.

anyway, after mass i took mom for a late lunch - thankfully for her there were one or two good restaurants open so she didn't have to suffer anything i might prepare. nor will the kiddos tomorrow thanks to county line BBQ take out! she's now asleep on the couch and i'm thinking about heading to bed early to read and then sleep so i can get up early to get things ready for "our christmas". thankfully, the gifts are all wrapped and even more thankfully, i was blessed enough to be able to get them gifts. we take so much for granted.

the greatest gifts of all are kindness, love, forgiveness, caring, listening and, where needed, a blanket or two.

we've got to do better - we CAN do better - than the status quo. i've got to do better - i CAN do better than my status quo.

most days i think my kiddos are more grown up than i am; in fact, most days i'm sure of it. but now i understand what my mom meant when she used to tell me that i'd never understand how much a mother can love her children until i had children of my own. i've known what she meant, now, for some time but i still wish i could have a "do over" at the being a mom part but definitely not at the who my children are part. i have the 4 best "children" in the world. at least my mom will never have her "wish" -- one she verbalized one day when she was especially angry with me -- that i'd have "3 just like me" when i grew up. thankfully, i don't even have one just like me - mine all have good heads on their shoulders and the courage to break away and live the lives they are attuned with -- not the lives they might think are expected of them.

any new moms who may be reading this just remember there's no such thing as a 'perfect' mom - but there is such a thing as a really good mom and that is the mom who loves her children, who lets her children know they are loved by her actions and not just her words and who is there for them - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually (and i'm not equating spiritual with religion). "things" do not replace love. "things" do not replace time spent. and, in my opinion, there is no such thing as loving a child too much or letting a child know you love them too much. there's no substitute for the real thing. no "do overs" and no "making it right later." all you can do "later" is move forward and do the best you can and let your children see you are doing things differently - and keep loving them with all your heart.