2/7/11

it has been 3 years to the day since my friend jeannie died. she was one of those 'once in a lifetime' friends and this world was robbed of her far too soon. she was full of joy and energy and life - in fact i half expected a new galaxy to appear the night she died. perhaps it did and we just can't see it yet. all i know is that i still miss her each and every day - there's a hole that nothing can fill nor should it. i made her a few promises that i hope to live long enough to fulfill but that will be in time and i'm doing my best with the others. jeannie would be the first to say that's all we can do.

jeannie was an incredible musician and, although you can't hear the melody, here are the words to a song she wrote years before she was diagnosed with gliobastoma. she told me she never realized how much the words would mean to her one day. i told her it wasn't the words - it was her faith - and her faith also helped her beat the odds on the amount of time she had with us, but especially with her daughter. as with most everything else in her life, she proved the doctors wrong on the "timing thing."

"The God Song"
© 2001, Jeannie Kauffman

God wipe away my tears

Hold me in your arms

Light the path that I'll walk with you and won't you keep me safe from harm?

Yet if harm should come my way

If that's what you have in store

I'll heal in time and I'll come to find that I love you even more.

God release this pain

And hold me in your love

Help me know you're right inside me and not somewhere far above.

And God remove my doubts

That I may live in truth

When people look into my eyes won't you help them to see you?

God help me do the same

So I will recognize

That you're in every one of us and I'll see you in their eyes.

Because God is all there is.

I know God is all there is.

I claim this truth for me and you,

I know God is all there is.

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a lot happened in 2008 from which there are scars - two have turned out to be blessings in disguise but nothing will ever take the place of jeannie.

all things considered, 2009 was a pretty good year in retrospect then 2010 turned things on their ear again (what does that saying mean?) i was displaced when our company's international and u.s. operations merged; mom had a stroke and we had to move her to austin; cj moved out of state . . . things that seem so inconsequential on paper but in and of themselves can be larger than life. i guess the better the grip you have on life the less consequential some of these things seem but i feel like i'm hanging on by a thread. it's an unrealistic fear but it is real nonetheless.

i'm trying to do positive things - for one i lost 90 pounds this last year and began a pretty good exercise program - that was LONG overdue. before and after proof

me and cj just under a year ago


followed by me and cj this past september

and, finally, now:


it was a lot of hard work but if it helps others to know it can be done then it was worth it. i've never felt better - some things that helped me (although my trainer said the after 4 thing doesn't really matter) . . . i wouldn't eat anything after 4 or 5 p.m.; i'd eat half of what i would normally have eaten; i'd park my car as far away from whatever store or establishment i was going to so i'd have to walk; i tried to cut out all unrefined sugar and white flour and whey and i started to exercise. i worked my way into all of it although once i saw my photos from last christmas and then one with my friend kiki from just about a year ago i said "THAT'S IT!" hopefully since it took a year to take it off it will stay off as long as i keep doing the things i know that work. that said, a little less stress would be much appreciated.

i don't know what i want to do next. i'm not sure i want to go back to corporate america. both the thought of doing so and the thought of not doing so are frightening - there will definitely be compromises either way.

i'm learning a lot from some of my longtime friends, some new friends, some people i admire but am not friends with -- just acquaintances, from my children, my brother, professionals . . . i guess you could say i'm all ears and eyes with 56 years to use as a litmus test.

strangely enough, one of my greatest joys and inspirations is music. good thing i live in austin - that's one thing you can always find here.

tomorrow we have some "cousins" who aren't really cousins coming in from georgia to see mom. i used to go see their parents whenever i had to travel through georgia and it is really kind of them to come see mom although i still swear she'll outlive me. the energizer bunny doesn't have anything on her, i'll say that much.

so tomorrow is another day. i hope it brings you joy.