miracles

life has been filled with little miracles lately but there's no sense talking about them, really. if you've had them happen in your life - and noticed them - then there's really nothing left to say.

it's been awhile since i've been to the blog. there have been lots of ups and downs lately. in fact, some days it flat out feels like someone pulled the rug out from under me and i landed face down without the strength to get up. the last 3 years have been hard and the last 3 years have been good. they've just taken some getting used to. this early retirement thing on top of it all has been the real kicker i think - i don't know what to do with myself. some people would say how perfect! i'm getting there but i feel like a child who's been spinning around and around and the dizziness is just starting to wear off; others call it shock. whatever it is, these little miracles are helping to pull me through. they include people, travel, music, places, 11:11, the wind, the morning doves (no longer mourning doves), etc. etc.

i still don't know what i'm going to do next but i do believe that i'll know it when it comes along - both the activity and the place. because we've moved mom to austin, i've been looking at property within 90 miles of austin. as i was going to the bugle boy this evening to hear (the amazing) elizabeth wills, i decided i'd leave this morning and spend the day taking back roads in that area to see what was out there. i hadn't intended to (although my good friend lore told me later that she knew i'd end up there) go to stolen rock to see what changes had been made and to tell it hello. from the outside, it appears nothing's been done other than the property being mowed. the roses we planted are growing well and as beautiful as ever; the hibijuana plant is starting to do its thing and the butterfly bushes were taller than the bird-feeder. i didn't go around the back of the house or the sides although i could see them from the road to know nothing had been done on the outside there, either. the porch looked so lonely . . . i wanted to go sit on it so badly but it's no longer my home. the beautiful fence that ali had put along the little cottage on the property we'd bought next door was down. that made me sad because it was something we'd worked on together although she did much more of it solo than with me. i realized quite some time ago, with someone's help, that as much as i was devastated at the time about the break up, it was losing the home that i loved so much that is still so hard to get past. it was home and i thought it was home forever. i'm the one who signed it all away to ensure i didn't stay tangled up in all that halving things would encompass but i surely didn't expect not to be able to buy out ali's part if she ever decided not to stay there.

a good thing about the visit to stolen rock was getting to spend some time with my former neighbor, joe. when i pulled up he was sitting on his porch (as usual) and seemed so happy - he smiled his big toothless grin and waved and his eyes just lit up. they are the most beautiful blue - almost like the bluebonnets (if we had any this year). i said, "how's it going, joe?" and he said, "pretty good for 93." i said, 'pretty sad about the bluebonnets this year' and he said, 'not enough rain.' i asked if he was going to put in his vegetable garden any time soon and he said, 'no - we're not going to have enough rain and i'm not going to water.' he went on to say that the weather forecasters are calling for rain but he thinks they're wrong. my money's on joe. joe also has a ceramic cardinal that he keeps on the post at the end of his property. when ali and i lived there, the cardinal was gray - the color of the cement - but one day i noticed a speck of red. i asked joe if the cardinal used to be red and he said, 'oh yes, when i bought it for my wife it was completely red with a black neck and red beak' so i went and got some red paint and painted the sucker. he was so happy you'd think someone had given him a million dollars. but today when i pulled down the road and came back, i noticed that the red was wearing off on one side so the next time i head that way, i'll have to make sure i've got some red outdoor paint with me. not sure why it would only have worn off on one side but there you have it.

anyway, i miss that place like i've never missed any place before. it was my little piece of heaven - especially when the "children" were there to visit. now i have to make a new home, wherever that might be.

as little talent as i have for music - ok, absolutely NO talent - music is one of the main things that's been sustaining me. austin is a good place to be for that and i've taken full advantage of being here. my friend nancy scott introduced me to a singer by the name of elizabeth wills and she has been one of the angels in my life this past 9 months. this evening - after the drive around colorado, fayette, bastrop and austin counties - i went to the bugle boy to hear her play. she was the first recipient of the bugle boy's talent trust and this evening they announced the talent trust winner for next year - kat edmonson. my friend wendy has been telling me about kat for some time but this was the first time i really experienced her performance. she and elizabeth sang "both sides now" by joni mitchell. it was one of those moments that you know you've captured in your heart forever but somehow wish you could have captured it via some type of media for others. things don't work that way, however.

tomorrow, my friend linda and i are going to see michael murphy. he's been one of my favorites since the early 70s and he sings two of my favorite songs - 'texas morning' and 'boy from the country.' and, speaking of boy from the country, cj may be coming for a visit at the end of april. it will be so great to see him here in austin even though i just got to see him in march on his turf. i wish kelleen could be here, too, but cj is the kind of guy who you'll know when he's getting here when he's actually here. we're going to try to get kells a last minute ticket when we know he's halfway here . . . fingers crossed. it's been awhile since all 4 "kiddos" were in the same place at the same time and would be really nice no matter how brief the visit.

losing 90 pounds and working out has certainly helped a lot. it was so great to take ski lessons (god bless my ski instructor - i call her saint eileen) when i visited cj and to even move downward on my own. i just couldn't get the whole leaning forward bit - so counterintuitive - and especially for someone who thinks too much. but cj seemed really proud of me and seemed pretty impressed with my having gotten myself into shape. nowell and cory are too, i think. i haven't seen kell since i started working out but next time i go to new york i might be able to keep up with her walking - she is a walkaholic. nowell has gotten into incredible shape - he ran a marathon and is doing the MS 150. seems he's working out in one way or another every day. cj's currently on a short break and skiing colorado and wyoming with some of his buddies from angel fire. i'm sure they're doing more than just skiing the way i think of skiing but i also think it's best i don't know - i've had several people tell me i don't want to know some of the things cj does on those mountains - whether skis or bikes. so i'll leave it alone - nothing i can do about it anyway and he seems to be loving what he's doing and knows the risks. besides, as my friend theresa told me once . . . my kids have a higher power, too, and it's not me. thank goodness for them it's not!

on the way home from visiting cj, i took almost 4 days to come back to texas - took as many back roads as i could. went to abiqui and even though o'keefe's studios were closed despite the website saying they were open, a lady in town told me how to get there. i couldn't go in but i could get a sense of place. it was amazing. and there were all kinds of other gifts that found me along the way - trust me, they wouldn't have been on the map even if i could read one.

going to sleep now with a bit of a sad heart - but also a grateful one. that's life. and i'm grateful that the sun is starting to peek out from behind the clouds. i've been blessed in so many ways and i know it.