further weavings

we've moved

2012-01-19T00:22:00.002-06:00

moved the blog to a private one. if you're interested in following me over, send me an email at sharronis@gmail.com and i'll add you - as long as you're not another "anonymous" or other unidentified flying object. peace!

happy birthday, ceej!

2011-12-14T09:01:00.001-06:00

love you with all my heart!

composite of road trip 2011

2011-11-26T22:12:00.003-06:00

still haven't gotten around to any better categorization of the photos from this summer's trip but butch hancock's song, 'thank god for the road" at least got me to put some slides together . . .

hope this works. click here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Vdz-zGpiCY

getting there

2011-09-16T23:34:00.000-05:00

but it sure as heck is going to take awhile at this rate . . .

in the meantime

7 september 2011 - attempt at recollecting

2011-09-07T20:00:00.011-05:00

so, the first photo, once again, is one i took back after returning home. drove out to hamilton's pool (now a state park). when i went to college here in austin, hamilton's pool was on private property, no paved parking lot, no paved road heading in . . . we just found our way by stacks of stones left at the important turning spots along the trail or ribbons tied to branches, etc. well, now it is a state park, costs $10 to get in, maintained trail to both hamilton's pool and to the pedernales although the latter is not so well maintained which is nice. the day i went, i was the only one at that spot on the pedernales for over an hour - didn't run into anyone until i was leaving. i went to see the pool out of curiosity - it was like a mini-Riviera in a way. sun umbrellas, people painting, the beautiful green water . . . of course the cave and springs dripping from above weren't reminiscent of the riviera - just the rest of the setting.

things change - people change - that's the only thing that seems to be for certain.

i'm not sure when this photo was accidentally taken and i didn't see it until now but the reflection in my glasses looks like an angel kneeling. my whole trip felt as if it was led by angels - perhaps this was just one of them.

i honestly cannot say, without the date stamp, where this photo of the sky was taken. there were so many beautiful skies throughout this trip, in fact i fell in love with the sky - the morning sky, the rainy skies, the night sky, the sunset and sunrise . . . there were times i had to tell myself to look down before i fell over or into something. as close as i was to so many canyons and along steep climbs, looking down was a bit important. sometimes i just had to sit down so i could look up without risking a fall. i think this particular sky was one of the mornings in nebraska but i can't confirm it until i get the photos in chronological order from cory. still, it's important to me to go through these photos a little at a time until i get those from him because so much of it is seeming so far away.

this photo is from the santa cruz mountains - way off in the distance you can see the pacific. i didn't do a very good job of photographing it. the sky was also amazing this day and it was my last day with my friends judy and bert. i really didn't want to leave - it was one of the very best parts of my trip. i had only planned to be there one day but it turned into 3 or 4 and it was heavenly - both the time i got to spend catching up with them and the hikes we took. precious.

another 'uh oh' - i think it was near chama but will have to wait for the date to accompany it. and, again, the photo doesn't do the sky justice. not sure any photos do but i've certainly seen photos that come closer to doing so than this one does.

this was in south dakota - somewhere SE of spearfish. i'll remember the name one of these days. it was amazingly beautiful and no one had even told me about it. just like a magical day in northern california around a place called taylorville. some of the best kept secrets.

wyoming. cloud peak was road 21. i'm glad i took it because a) it was the one i really wanted to do the most even though i could only do about 10 miles of it and b) every road after it was closed with signs similar to the above or flat out snowdrifts still covering the road. i'd never seen the "certified weed-free" sign before. there were lots of signs i'd never seen before on this trip. if i'd stopped for them all, i'd never have made it past south dakota if even that far.

cloud peak as i'm first heading in. no other cars at the trail head. no one else on the entire walk of 10 miles. i had my bear spray even though it wasn't a grizzly zone. just to be on the safe side. it was such an amazing hike. snow, snow melt, frozen creeks, partially frozen creeks, lakes, cloud peak in the distance throughout much of the hike. glorious. the ranger reminded me that, as it was such a beautiful, warm day, i needed to pay attention to creeks on my way in as they'd probably be a lot larger on my way out with more and more snow melting. good advice and it paid off not only here but throughout the trip. also to unlatch my pack before crossing any creek of any momentum and, where possible, to go ahead and throw my pack to the other side of the stream altogether. i think i'm ready to get back on the road.

6 september 2011 a/k/a jogging the memory

2011-09-06T20:14:00.028-05:00

the photo above was actually taken after i returned to austin. i took a hike to the pedernales (area now under fire evacuation orders). even then it was dry as a bone although the pedernales still had some water. i took this shot of this little plant surviving despite the drought. to me, it looks like some kind of squash. i know the people who were native to this area crew a lot of squash and maize . . . wondering if it was a holdout.

i don't remember exactly where this photo was - definitely not texas. thinking maybe new mexico or as i was leaving the hike along the continental divide.

the old continental divide trail between cumbres pass and the peak in colorado. also the spot where just moments after i took this photo, all hail broke loose. i found a tree - not the tallest, not the shortest, somewhere in the middle and hunkered down. i even made a quickie video in case it was my last. in addition to the hail which was of a pretty good size and coming down very quickly and was hard as hail (sorry, it just works too well), there was also lightning. i had to put on every piece of cold-weather gear that i had in my backpack. at one point i thought it had cleared enough so i went to the end of the trail (where it's very light in the photo above) where the meadow began. as soon as i stepped out onto the meadow saying to myself, "i wonder if it's safe enough yet or if i should hunker down a bit longer" there was an enormous clap of thunder followed by a bolt of lightning. question answered and it was another 20 minutes or so before i ventured out again. i was so certain i was probably going to come across a momma bear and her cubs (thankfully no grizzlies in that area) - the meadow was so incredibly beautiful with wildflowers and berries and snow . . . but no bears. only two mountain bikers who came up behind me about 20 minutes before i got to the top. they stopped and visited for a while and then they took off then i didn't see them again until they were on their way back. this time they stopped and said, 'by the way, where did you come from? we didn't see you on the trail up here.' i told them i'd taken the old continental divide trail (they'd rerouted it a few years ago because so many trees had died the park service found it unsafe). they asked me how i found it and i told them an elderly gentleman who lived in the area told me how to find it. they asked me to tell them and so i did. i wonder if they found it/ took it on their way back. it was so so so so so beautiful!

me as i'm coming out of "hunker down" mode. there were no good hair days on this trip. not one.

moi - almost to the bottom of the grand canyon hike

grand canyon, north rim

erosion along the chama river, new mexico. the river was also flooding in many areas and about to flood here.

both the photo above and below are from ghost ranch in new mexico

ok - this is terrible. i really need to get the photos that cory's sorting by date. i think this is near ouray, colorado but it could be wyoming.

outside hope, nm

yosemite

more yosemite (yosemite was amazing. simply amazing. and to think i wasn't going to go there because of the crowds. i am so glad my friend bert talked me into it.)

crater lake

lassen crater - california. this is also where i was so anxious to get on my hike once i got my campsite that i actually forgot to turn off the prius. it was dead as a doorknob (where did that expression come from?) by the time i got back to it (4 hours later). thankfully after a couple of hours i was able to get it to start again. i'm not sure AAA responds to calls in the middle of nowhere.

mon ami, jacob. the virtuoso. at a little (wonderful) get together my friend laurie and her husband corbett had while i was in eugene.

i'm pretty positive this is wyoming but i need the date of the photo to confirm.

cannot remember but believe it is wallace, idaho

cloud peak, wyoming (bad shot i know)

lewis & clark forest, washington state

cloud peak, wyoming. one of the best hikes of the trip.

lake ogallala, nebraska
it's hard to get my head around the fact that 31 years ago, my ex-husband and i were married. but then, when i remember that my oldest son just turned 29, i realize i haven't done the math wrong but where did the time go? unbelievable.

in my continued effort to get some of the photos from my trip posted, here goes . . .

how can it be september?

2011-09-01T20:45:00.004-05:00

austin, reimer's ranch

ghost ranch, abiquiu, new mexico

lundy lake, just outside of yosemite

resting, somewhere along the _______ trail on the north rim of the grand canyon

think maybe REI will subsidize my trip?

i am not sure but i believe this was near the vermillion cliffs

continental divide, colorado side of cumbres pass

somewhere NW of chama, new mexico

darn those incredible cliffs . . . new mexico? utah? arizona?

ouray, colorado.

grand canyon, north rim

to be determined . . .

ghost ranch

house rock valley, vermillion cliffs

somewhere in wyoming

more grand canyon

and more wyoming

cloud peak, wyoming (yes, that is a mountain behind the clouds)

lake ogallala, nebraska. "danger falling dirt" or "danger falling rock" was soon a sign i was on the right path

abiquiu again, i believe.

. . . it was just july 28 yesterday.

the month of august, 2011 gets the award for "month passing the fastest." there must be some kind of a vortex, or black hole, or other factor that made time move forward exponentially - maybe it's tied to space junk??

cory, bless his heart, is sorting all of my photos electronically by date and device. i don't know how in the world he is doing it but it's amazing and i'm extremely grateful. i've done a terrible job of getting my photos from the trip posted and an even worse job of trying to put some kind of continuity to them. i had no excuse up until now, really, and now i have the best excuse in the book - a consulting position right here in texas that is about to keep me very, very busy. i am really looking forward to it and i am so very glad that i will be able to stay close to "home" - at least for a while longer. working hasn't been the issue - working close to austin at something i love was.

in keeping with the "just post some photos from the trip and put text with them later" theme, here goes.

where was i?

2011-08-25T16:00:00.029-05:00

not being able to decide how to approach this, i decided i'll approach it in much the same way as i did my trip - randomly. i'll flip through the photos, post a few, and see where that leads me. i've had so many friends say, "tell me about your trip" or ask "how was your trip?" and "what was your favorite part of the trip?" i can't and there wasn't one. the closest i can come to answering the first two questions is "unbelievable" or even "miraculous." truly it was. and there were so many "favorite" parts of the trip - even getting stuck in the mud in the middle-of-nowhere, south dakota. there are some parts of the trip that seemed like pure magic - i said that to one of my friends and she said, "not 'seemed like pure magic,' they were pure magic.'

well, i can't figure out how to get text to align with the photo . . . nor how to make a certain photo follow another (i.e. the photo of me about to cross a stream/ mini-waterfall should be followed by the one of me with the "what the hell did you just do" expression. the photo i didn't even know i took). anyway, slowly but surely . . . that's what the edit button is for, right? sometimes wish life had an edit key.

time flies part II (WIP)

2011-08-23T17:14:00.029-05:00

speaking of time flying, i realize i am getting further and further from my trip in more ways than one. so much has happened since returning to austin . . . perhaps i should have returned a little earlier than i did in order to gradually re-immerse myself into city life. that said, it would have probably been overwhelming no matter how i broke back into it. i wouldn't have traded any of the events that were before me when i returned . . . kelleen and brian coming for a 4 day visit; my cousins from barcelona coming for a visit; doctors' appointments for mom in houston; a retreat i'd signed up for awhile back . . .

besides, it's all "life" whether on the road or off the road. i just don't want to lose the magic of my adventure on the road and that is what is feeling further and further away and i need to capture as much of that as i can in words and photos. they won't recreate the trip but they will be touchstones by which i can get closer to those times. some, of course, i'll never forget nor will i need touchstones to take me back.

on the day i left austin, my first destination was oklahoma city where i got to see a friend of mine perform her music; day 2 i went from oklahoma city to pratt, kansas, stopping at Roman Nose State Park on the way to hike the beautiful gypsum canyon there. if it hadn't been for my friend mary catherine (with whom i visited in OK) i would never have headed that way. my resolution not to stick with even my loose plans allowed me to hit pay dirt even this early on the trip.

Day 3 was Pratt to Lake McConaughy, Nebraska followed by McConaughy to Lake Ogallala State Park in Nebraska - all of 43 miles away.

So, the morning of day 5 i departed Ogallala for the Samuel R McKelvie National Forest, also in Nebraska. I had an amazing campsite there - right on the Niobrara River, a river I really wanted to see as I'd fallen in love with it vicariously through Jim Harrison's books. i say "wanted to see" because i promised myself that while i might have a very loose plan for places and people i wanted to see, not to be disappointed if some of them didn't happen. and, as it turned out, whenever my hoped-for destination turned out to be impossible to reach (i.e. Medicine Wheel, Wyoming being under 15 feet of snow), the place to which i went instead was incredible and something i wouldn't have otherwise experienced.

so, i had this glorious campsite right on the Niobrara and had scouted out a hike for the next morning only Life decided to send a major thunderstorm about 4:00 that morning so i broke camp and drove around a bit aimlessly and into one of the most beautiful sunrises i've ever seen.

from this point in nebraska i drove toward lemmon, south dakota and made it there by early evening. the one thing i did commit to on this trip was making it to lemmon, south dakota whether i got there and turned right around and came home, got there and decided to stay or got there and left the rest of it up to Life. the latter was the winner. i spent 5 nights and 4 days in lemmon. i still don't know what compelled me to go there although part of it may have been that it was so far from texas that it left no doubt i'd get far enough away that i wouldn't just turn around and go home. my day trips west, north, east and south of lemmon were awesome adventures in and of themselves but more on that later.

after lemmon, my stopping points were:

Cheyanne Crossing, South Dakota
Hill City, South Dakota
Devil's Tower, Wyoming
Greybull, Wyoming
Billings, Montana
Philipsburg, Montana
Moscow, Idaho
Packwood, Washington
Portland, Oregon
Eugene, Oregon
Klamath Falls, Oregon
Castle Crag, California
Burney, California
Lassen National Park, California
Roseville, California
Pescadero, California
Chowchilla, California
Yosemite
Lone Pine, California
Mesquite, Nevada
Zion National Park, Utah
Bryce Canyon, Utah
North Rim of the Grand Canyon, Arizona
Jacob Lake, Arizona
Cortez, Colorado
Mesa Verde, Colorado
Ouray, Colorado
Chama, New Mexico
Abiqui, New Mexico
Corona, New Mexico
Hobbs, New Mexico

i've listed these as stopping points as they are where i spent the night or nights. the real adventure (for the most part) was what occurred during the days and nights from one point to the other. where the stopping point was also the place of the grand adventure (north rim of grand canyon, zion, mesa verde, pescadero, etc.) it generally involved more than one night's stay.

as to photos, well, i thought i was doing a good job of sorting them. "thought" being the operative word. while i did an adequate job of downloading them and sorting them by day when i could, i also managed to delete quite a few, or so i thought. thanks to cory, i had a backup folder where anything i downloaded, whether i deleted it or not, was saved. also as to photos i took way too many both with my camera and my phone. but i also remembered to look at things through my own eyes and not just the eye of the camera. no drive by shootings on this trip which had been my MO too often in the past.

time flies

2011-08-21T09:30:00.007-05:00

"Humans on their deathbed are only concerned with love. Resolving love with those they maybe had conflict with, or resolving inside themselves places where they didn't allow their hearts to open. There has never been a more potent month than August for us to open our hearts and minds to others, and surrender to what is." Lee Harris

"You're Free to Open Your Heart - Open your heart to the people you love. Open your heart to the world. Open your heart to God, to the universe, to life and all the creatures and creations in it. Open your heart as much as you can.

It's safe to open your heart now. There was a time when you believed that the only way to protect yourself was to shut down and close your heart. You have learned so much. You have learned the powers of honesty, compassion, forgiveness, and kindness. You will no longer become stuck or trapped if you open your heart. You can leave if you want to. You can say what you need to. You no longer need to protect yourself by guarding your heart with the heavy armor you wore in the past. Now you are free. Free to open your heart. Free to open yourself to the universe.

A woman I met in Sedona gave me a lovely visualization to use. Picture your heart. In front of your heart see a beautiful rosebud, tightly closed. Whenever you want your heart to open, picture the rose blooming wide, beautiful, alive, and fragrant. Whenever you want to retreat, turn the rose back into a bud.

Open your heart to the world, to the people who live in it. Open yourself to creation. Open your heart to yourself, to God, to Life. Life will become magical. And you'll think back and smile. You will wonder why it took you so long to open your heart.

Open your heart as much as you choose, as much as you can. Share it with the world." Melody Beattie, Journey to the Heart

The absolute, most joyful, beautiful days in my life were the days my children were born and tomorrow, 22 August, is the birthday of my oldest son, Nowell. He will be 29 and, as trite and cliche as it may sound, I cannot believe how quickly those 29 years have passed although I wonder how it feels to him. I specifically remember when I was 16, thinking time was passing so slowly. When I turned 29, Nowell had just turned 1. I had never been happier in all my life at that time. He was, and is, such a joy and I am so proud of him and blown away by what an incredible man he has become.

I will be seeing him shortly (at least that is the plan . . . he and Kristen are so active and in love with the outdoors that their schedule can change in an instant but at least I've gotten in good enough shape that they'll sometimes invite me along.)

so, Kristen was able to get Nowell to the bike shop where we surprised him with his new bike. How she was able to convince him to ride blindfolded for 10 minutes is beyond my understanding but she pulled it off (and he was all too glad to pull IT off once we told him he could open his eyes). CJ and Kristen did a really good job of picking out the bike and I was really glad that Kristen would let me split it with her. Nowell said he'd never gotten a brand new bike before and how cool it was. I said, "What? You have so gotten a brand new bike before. Once when you were 5 and again when you were 11." He said those didn't count - he meant a real, professional-like bike. I told him to tell his dad those bikes at 5 and 11 weren't "real." When it came to bikes, his dad was pretty darn picky himself. But, I know what he meant and I was happy that he was happy.

He rode the bike back to their house and then Kristen, Nowell, CJ and I went to breakfast, which turned out to be brunch or lunch depending on how you want to look at it. As Nowell had a shot of tequila on the house, I suppose that makes it lunch. That and it taking us almost an hour to find a place that didn't have an hour's wait - and it turned out to be one of their favorite places to begin with. It's now also one of my favorite places - if I can find it again.

CJ and Nowell are out kayaking now and Kristen is getting ready to welcome her new students tomorrow . . . first day of school in the Austin area. When Nowell was younger, he thought he should get the first day of school off as it was often his birthday. Cory thought 15 January was a school holiday because it was his birthday; it never occurred to me to tell him his birthday would be a holiday because he and Martin Luther King shared the same birthday. So many 'operating instructions' they forget to give us when we become parents. I sure could have used some - an entire volume in retrospect.

So, here comes another week . . . with so much going on and so much in limbo . . . it's hard to be patient. But that seems to be part of the lesson and the gift.

one state away from home

2011-07-19T21:08:00.003-05:00

geographically and otherwise.

on the road out of ouray, colorado.

on the road into new mexico

i am in a motel in new mexico this evening. yesterday, last night and this morning i was in ouray, colorado. that is a post in and of itself, if not several. the drive out of ouray wasn't as harrowing as the drive in but let's just say that it is not for the faint of heart or weak-kneed. of all the fears i managed to overcome on this trip, that one was not expected. and i'm also not sure i can cross it off the list of "fears overcome" - more like a "got through it" situation. at the same time, it was one of the most magnificent drives/ vistas you could ever imagine. i'm not sure yet, however, if i'm glad i couldn't see it all for having to keep my eyes 100% on the road or if i wish i'd been the passenger so i could have seen more. who am i kidding? if i was the passenger i would have still been driving so best i was alone. hanes refused to look out the window.

i was really disappointed not to be able to camp this evening but a massive rainstorm preceded me into my first stop in new mexico. the folks in this neck of the woods are glad for the rain but i was really hoping to camp - it is SO beautiful here. the good side of the rain is that i'm hoping it will cause the national forest service to open some of the areas that are now closed due to the drought conditions. as of this evening, even though most of the fires are contained or out, the land and vegetation are still so parched that it wouldn't take much to start another and so the stage III fire closures are still in effect. i've got my fingers crossed for the morning. the hike i want to do is along the continental divide. part of the hike is in the rio grande forest and part in carson national forest. i think my chances are better in the rio grande section but that would involve backtracking 30-40 minutes but what's 30-40 minutes after almost 2 months on the road? that will mean i got to hike 2 hours of the pacific crest trail (only 3 1/2 miles at castle crag was part of the pct) and (knock wood) 2 or 4 hours on the continental divide. and maybe someday i'll get to do part of the appalachian trail.

before i hit the road this morning i did a load of laundry in ouray. while there, 4 other people were also doing laundry. 3 of the 4 were from texas. yesterday evening when i checked into the motel, the manager said, "austin huh . . . we've got two other people here from austin." not just texas but austin.

while at mesa verde, i went on a hike that was limited to a small group of people and a ranger. there were 8 of us on that hike. 4 others were not just from texas but from austin and the way we found out was by one of the men looking at me and saying, "i know you from somewhere. do you live in austin?" we finally figured out the connection.

while at the grand canyon, i had lunch at the cafe in the park on the 2nd day. a man and a woman came up to my table and said they'd seen me finish my hike earlier (they'd been at the trailhead/ vista point) and asked how far i'd hiked, etc. then the man asked me where i was from and, you guessed it, he was originally from austin. he now lives in ohio but this is getting to be one of many threads that are part of this trip. roses, rocks, road construction will begin [insert date i am on that section of road - happened again today], lone pines, blue lizards (that is not a drink) . . .

i had a few friends call me today - actually i listened to their voice mails when i went into an area with service - and, among other things, they asked why i wasn't updating the blog. to be honest, it's been nice not to be connected and i would like to do a better job of not being connected so much. the blog is something i rather enjoy (and would enjoy more if i knew how to do it properly, inserting photos at the right spot, etc.) but i've been trying to wean myself from the facebook, finger-in-the-plug connection speed vehicles that are out there. for me it can be an addiction. i do think there's a cool side of it in that it allows us to keep up with friends and interests that we might not otherwise be able to do so often but, if there's a trade off, i think i'd rather go for the old-fashioned phone call from time to time. i am still sending out postcards and i even had a bet with a friend in california who didn't believe the usps still made postcard stamps (i even had that conversation with a friend in austin this year). but this trip has reminded me how important it is to slow down, to focus on what we have and are in the present moment, and to live our lives with more intention and less reaction. we'll always have curve balls thrown at us - that's part of it - what we do with those curve balls.

anyway, the other problem with updating the blog is knowing where to begin. the times i've had connection are few and far between (and for very limited amounts of time) and there is so much that happens in a day i can't do it justice. not that i'd be able to do it true justice even if i had the time but i could at least make an attempt. so my plan at the present is to just start at the beginning of the trip once i get home. thankfully, i've written down from where i started each day (and the mileage) and tried to download my photos by location so i'm hoping i can sync the two enough to remember what may be of interest. of course, what's of interest to me might not be of interest to you but it will be there for anyone who is interested. (let me see if i can use the word "interest" one more time.)

shortly after i get home, kelleen and brian are coming to visit for a long weekend and their visit coincides with my cousin catherine, and her husband keith, visiting family in texas. so we'll have a few hours on saturday after next to all spend time together. cat and keith live in barcelona and also have a wonderful "cottage" in southern france. i've been to both places and there are many times where, if scotty really could beam me somewhere, that's where it would be. cat and keith were lifesavers to me in 2008 (as was george) and i love getting to spend time with them - the opportunities are too few and far between. my cousin david and his family are also coming to visit family in texas and, while his and cat's visits will overlap, the portion that overlaps will probably not be after i'm back in texas. i'm glad that i got to visit david and his family in montana toward the beginning of my trip.

the rain and lightning have picked up again here so i better sign off. i guess it's a really good thing i wasn't able to get a campsite after all. the room they gave me here at the motel (one of those 6 or 7 room motels that are simple, basic and relatively inexpensive - my favorite kind) is like a honeymoon suite. beautiful 4 poster bed, soft "cloud like" pillows (but not as perfect as laurie's), down comforter, a jacuzzi tub . . . it's right next to the office so i'm wondering if it is more like a guest quarters when they have family. whatever, it's an unexpected but welcome treat. and there is a vase of roses on the dresser by the door.

seriously.

2011-07-16T22:49:00.002-05:00

amazing graces

2011-07-08T23:24:00.004-05:00

geography was always one of my favorite classes for two reasons; 1) i liked knowing where places were and 2) it was like art getting to use colored pencils. i may not have been the most attentive student but i really don't recall ever having heard about the alabama hills. they are absolutely incredible and (who knew) the gateway to mt. whitney which is, in and of itself, a story just as the rest of this trip has been. but, before i get carried away, why don't we teach our children about places like the alabama hills and, as my friend wendy said, what are they doing in california? it seems (shock) that they are named after a confederate war ship. never mind that they are on the sierra nevada paiute lands. never mind that several tribes lived in the area and had names for them long before there was anything even remotely resembling a confederacy or a california gold rush. i really shouldn't go down that proverbial road again today although i am so grateful to have been able to see the alabama hills, of which i knew nothing, yesterday and today and hopefully again tomorrow even if it's to wave adios.

after the gift of almost 4 days with my friends near santa cruz, i had planned to head to virginia lakes outside yosemite. i wanted to avoid yosemite itself because of the touristy scene (i am not a tourist - i am on a trip. right, whatever). anyway, before i left my friends', one of them suggested that i rethink blowing off yosemite. he said that even if there were a lot of tourists it was worth seeing - especially the waterfalls. seeing as how they hadn't steered me anywhere close to wrong for four magical days and as i had always respected both of these individuals immensely, i went to yosemite. got in line with hundreds of other cars and i am so glad that i did. just as with devil's tower (a/k/a a multitude of names given to it by the arapaho, crow, cheyenne, kiowa, lakota and shoshone, to name a few and to whom all held it sacred and most of which translate to something similar to "bear lodge"). anyway, just as with the bear's lodge, a serious number of the tourists were zipping in and out. well, maybe not zipping but getting through there as fast as they could to be able to cross it off of some kind of list. seriously, when i arrived at the bear's lodge, i almost turned away given the number of cars. very few people were in the tent site areas (the snow in wyoming in general may have helped significantly in this regard even though the bear's lodge wasn't still impacted by it) although the RV and camper sites were fairly well overrun as was the parking lot near the "lodge" itself. i think i wrote about this earlier in this adventure. main point being despite the numbers of cars, no one was doing much other than parking, buying postcards, taking photos (the latter two i admit to doing more than my share of), seeing the main sites and taking off. i went on 3 hikes while at the bear's lodge and only saw 4 other people. they only wanted to go to the main "amphitheater" and do the 1/8 of a mile walk, according to several of the rangers with whom i spoke. and, sadly, i could have been one of those people once upon a time. i'm glad i woke up before i'm dead and i hope i stay awake until that time.

so, this proved to be the case at yosemite, too, although we're talking serious acreage compared to "devil's tower" wyoming. snow, again, accounted for a multitude of diversions which caused countless numbers of RVs and campers to go into "oh shit" mode and careen through the park at record speeds. it also kept them out of most of the campgrounds - the few that were open - because of the road damage due to recent snow melt or still-in-progress snow melt. i almost got a campsite right in yosemite park itself but the campground had just been reopened and when i almost got stuck and then saw that the only other vehicles ahead of me were 4-wheel drive or some sort of super-terrain vehicle, i left. it took me almost 5 hours of driving, pulling over, driving, pulling over, driving, pulling over, hiking (for an hour) without seeing another human being when a park ranger told me that there was national forest just outside the park where there was probably tent camping to be found, especially as the RVs couldn't get into those sites yet. sure enough, i was able to nab a site at the very first campsite i came to in the Inyo National Forest - right on the creek. i even recorded the sound so that i can have it once i'm home.

i've finally gotten to the point where i can differentiate between a rushing creek or stream and an electric water fountain - the kind folks have in their homes/ offices/ etc. to simulate the real thing - but i haven't yet gotten to the point where i can differentiate a rushing creek or stream from the shimmering of aspen leaves. before this trip, i would never have though of "shimmering" as anything other than a visual term; i'm here to tell you it is an auditory one as well. one i'm falling in love with.

i really wish i could do this trip justice and share it well with anyone who happens to come to this blog. but i can't. i don't have the words, the computer speed, the time, the photographs, etc. but i'm going to keep trying regardless of how abbreviated the posts may be. perhaps - like the photos - they will help serve as a reminder to me so i can try, however feebly, to fill in the gaps later.

today was so incredible - if i hadn't gone through yosemite . . . if i hadn't gone to lundy canyon instead of virginia lakes . . . if i hadn't pulled up camp the second nite when a storm blew in after my lundy canyon hike . . . if i hadn't driven until it "felt right" . . . but i did. i listened with my heart and it's not very good yet at being able to interpret what it's hearing. but it got me to lone pine and, who knew, the alabama hills and mt. whitney. yes, THE mt. whitney. THE mt. whitney that i got a permit to hike. THE mt. whitney that i was able to hike into and up for 3 miles before i was deterred by snow. THE mt. whitney where i almost broke down and went back down to buy crampons and ski (climbing?) poles and a pick axe but, instead, THE mt. whitney where i stopped where the trail was blanketed in snow and, instead, found a beautiful spot by the side of the lake 3 miles into mt. whitney and read a book that my friends near santa cruz had given me. the mt. whitney where, i am not kidding you, i helped someone down the mountain who became very ill with altitude sickness. there had been several people at this point on the trail - the lake - while i was reading and feeling somewhat disappointed, ok a LOT disappointed, that i wasn't getting to go further when i wasn't even out of breath. but when i closed the book, stood up and looked around, no one was there - or so i thought. then i saw this young man (early 30s as it turned out) walking around like he was looking for something. he didn't look well and was seemingly spinning in circles. i went over to him and asked if he was alright. from his response, i thought he'd been drinking. he was insistent that he needed to find a trail around the lake. i told him there wasn't a trail around the lake and then i realized what was going on. he could hardly walk; he was out of water; he didn't believe a word i was saying to him about the trail. i convinced him to sit, gave him a bottle of my water, and told him to watch me as i climbed back to the main trail. he did. i went back down to him and, after about 15 minutes or so, was able to help him back to the main trail - headed toward the trailhead. he'd come from closer to the summit. as it turned out he was dehydrated, had altitude sickness and could hardly walk. we had to stop every five minutes or so at first with me leading. i was really worried he was going to walk off the side of the trail. i offered to carry his pack but he said no. after close to 45 minutes, a man came down behind us and asked if everything was ok. my new friend (name withheld just in case so let's call him john) who was 32 said "yes" and while john was facing the man, i shook my head "no." thankfully the man who came from behind, let's call him stuart, caught on to what was going on a lot faster than i had at the lake. he simply said he was getting tired and was glad to have someone to walk with. gradually john let on to stuart that he'd gotten sick and that i was helping him down the trail. stuart "made" john give him his pack so stuart has john's pack on the front and his own on his back. as we neared the part of the trail over which i had the most concerns (we're now stopping about every 10-15 minutes instead of 5), stuart said that he wasn't comfortable carrying the extra pack over the waterfalls. john said he was ok to carry it again. john didn't look like he was ok to carry it again so i made a deal with them both. let me carry it and, if i fell, they'd both be behind me to help. maybe not such a great idea if everything hadn't gone to plan but there was no way i was letting john go across those falls with his pack and i was feeling really good. it worked. on the other side of the falls, stuart said he didn't realize what time it was and had dinner plans with someone in town - someone he'd met LAST year when he climbed whitney. john assured him he was fine, i kept both packs, stuart headed down at a normal pace and john and i snailed our way down to the trailhead. bless his heart, he was so sick. just before stuart came upon us, i suggested to john that he let me wet a bandanna i'd stolen from my youngest son for the trip. i've had it tied to my backpack the whole time even wondering a time or two why i'd had the urge to bring it. now i know. i dipped that puppy in one of the springs (a positive side of snow melting) and tied it around john's neck very loosely. he said it was like magic the way it cooled him down. little by little we made it down and, one of these days, i may remember to mention some of the conversations we had. when we got to the trailhead, he handed me his poles (i already had his pack, crampons, etc.) and ran to the restroom. i didn't realize that other folks coming off the trail had really understood what was going on but they did. i wanted to ask why no one other than stuart had offered to help but i realized that some of those people were also using all they had to get down. some had gone almost the same distance as john, some lower - all of them had made it farther than me - but i know i was right where i was supposed to be. two of john's friends had already come down off the mountain; one had gotten sick about two hours before he had and someone had joined her in returning to the trailhead. two of their friends were still headed to the top when john got so sick he had to turn around. it felt so good to be able to be there for this young man. it was like a "pinch me this can't be happening" dream that i was even able to be able to help him, physically, and still not be out of breath. i'm not saying that i didn't have to stop from time to time on my way up - i sure as hell did. i've never hiked that high, that many miles, etc. but it felt so great. and the way down was nothing - i was just worried about john and how i could get him some real help. other than feeling helpless in not being able to help him more, the only other disappointment was not getting to look around as much as i wanted to on the way down. but i knew i was exactly where i needed to be.

the passage i read from melody beattie as i began this day was about how we're sometimes delayed or stopped in disappointment but that sometimes that delay or change in plans turns out to be the best thing after all. as i was reading at the lake when i wasn't able to continue my hike because of the snow, the section of the book i was reading was about much the same thing. then john appeared.

on the way back to the motel (where my next door occupant last night turned out to also be from austin and where i stayed because the sign on the highway said the campground was closed due to snow damage even though it was NOT closed when i drove by it this morning on my way into mt. whitney) i debated whether or not to grab dinner or just to get back to my room and shower. i decided to go back to my room. the smell of something baking, however, caused me to change plans and i ended up in this little cafe. i saw some people there that i'd seen on the trail and i didn't realize how hungry i was until i started eating (just like i hadn't realized how thirsty i was after the hike until a very nice looking young man who was parked next to me said how cool it was i was able to help john and offered me a beer.) anyway, as i'm finishing my meal, this man about my age came up to the table. i recognized him from the trail and i know he had wanted to help but his wife had fallen crossing one of the sets of waterfalls so he had his focus, rightfully, elsewhere. he told me that he was sorry he couldn't help and i told him i totally understood and asked if his wife was ok. she was and he said he just wanted to stop by and say how awesome they thought it was that i was able to help "that young man." then, as i was leaving, all 4 of the other folks from "john's" party were at a table. the woman saw me and said "HEY!!" i asked if john was ok since he wasn't with them and they said he was but was recuperating at their motel. they thanked me again and, honestly, one of the two who had made it almost to the summit looked like he was going to go into shock when he turned around and saw how old i was. i told john i was old enough to be his mother, even though my oldest is 29 (almost), and it is true.

if i never do another thing requiring physical strength again a day in my life, today was so worth everything i've worked through the past year and a half. in fact, it may have been more of a mental ordeal than physical. john did not realize how "wrong" something was for quite some time. i just knew i had to stay calm, had to make sure john believed that everything was - and would remain - ok, had to remember everything i possibly could that i've learned from others (including some things related to the outdoors i've only learned recently from my sons nowell and cj). i even had the sock monkey (hanes) my son cory gave me with me and that distracted john for a while as i got him to tell me about his children. and the sense of renewed calm and strength and the ability to be able to trust my heart that i was "given" by my friends near santa cruz all contributed to helping this young man. we really don't do anything alone. ever.

a rose is not a rose is not a rose

2011-07-06T01:05:00.030-05:00

the past week has gone by so quickly and been so wonderful in so many different ways and the past several days have been so incredible i'm not sure it's possible to put them into words or images beyond my head and heart. i still think i may be dreaming. don't wake me up.

and, i sit corrected. i didn't have to do all the hikes and adventures alone. i reconnected with some beautiful friends from high school who took me to places i could only dream of going. but they (and their son) are intimate with some of the most beautiful, virtually hidden, places in a part of california that is a slice of heaven - if not heaven itself.

i've had to head down the road but i'm not sure i'll ever take it all in and i know i'll never look at things the same ever again.

28 june 2011

2011-06-28T20:21:00.005-05:00

so, today was a bit of a wash in more ways than one. but yesterday was so glorious that that's really all i can think about. after crater lake was a "no stay" i headed toward klamath falls and spent the night there in a non-descript motel whose only notable feature was that the desk clerk looked like the really creepy guy from "fargo." it was a decent establishment with several other folks staying there who seemed to be on the up and up so i parked, brushed my teeth and went to sleep with a chair in front of the door. i was up bright and early the next day and took off for mt. shasta.

i stopped at a ranger station on the way and they called down to the shasta ranger station who told them the trailhead was open at bunny slopes but that it was best i stop in the ranger station there when i arrived as conditions were variable. ranger #1 told me how to get to the shasta ranger station once i got to the town of mt. shasta but i didn't think to ask for directions to the town of mt. shasta as it was on the map and i've been pretty good about reading them lately. i stopped in weed (really - weed, california - you can only imagine the coffee mugs, postcards, t-shirts, etc. that are for sale there and of which i purchased none) to get a cup of coffee and ask for directions to the town of mt. shasta as the map showed a little hook that i couldn't quite figure out. it was ten miles down the road and it took me 45 minutes to get there. if you're reading this and don't understand why it took me so long, we obviously don't know one another well but i'll be happy to fill you in later.

when i got to the mt. shasta ranger station there were 3 other people. the ranger - a handsome 30-something young man with long blonde hair and two other guys who were serious outdoorsmen of some description. at least that was my guess by their leathered skin and clothing although the "man skirt" over the 2nd guy's knee length shorts had me confused for a few seconds. they were asking the ranger about climbing the summit. this involved an almost 30 minute discussion replete with video and that morning's updates regarding the ascent. one of the climber's eyes just kept getting bigger and bigger and glowing more and more while i'm standing off to the side saying (to myself) "you cannot be serious." the road was open to the bunny slopes where a hiker (like me) could hike for less than a mile before being encumbered by snow. the kind of snow requiring snow shoes or skis. from the bunny slopes, ranger man continued to explain the climb, including the bit where he said something along these lines, "man, yesterday was epic. EPIC. no one around here remembers a day as perfect as yesterday. the downside of yesterday (i'm assuming glorious sun plus massive snow) is that things have started to melt, including the lake that is frozen between the glaciers. you understand, right, that as it melts it forms a crevasse and no one knows when that is going to happen. so here's the path i suggest. . . " (said path NOT involving the area of the lake/ possible crevasse). as he went through the suggested path or paths, he kept saying "i hate to sound like a broken record, but i want to mention the thawing conditions and the dangers of the crevasse." i don't believe i said any of this out loud but i wanted to grab the climbers by the shoulders and shake them and say, "do you understand what he is telling you? are you really paying attention? why aren't you writing any of this down?" i really think the one guy was so high just on hearing about the conditions, he wasn't paying any attention - kind of a charlie brown's teacher "wha wha wha wha wha wha" situation. his friend finally said, "man, you can tell him all you want, but he's doing it. you could talk me out of it, but he's determined." ranger man said, "i can see that, that's why i want to make sure you really understand which way to go up there" (and he gave them more than one option). truth be told, i think ranger man would have liked to go along and something tells me he'd been up there recently because he knew that mountain like the back of his hand. he told the guys they were registering 60 mph winds at the summit, what the camp looked like at what i guess was the half way mark (??? how long does it take to climb 14,000 feet? maybe some of it is hiking or skiing but i know a heck of a lot of it is sheer climbing. i also wanted to ask the guy in the man skirt if he was really going to climb in his man skirt as a) his legs were bound to get cold and b) most people would be below him and wouldn't he be a little concerned about folks looking up his skirt - man skirt or otherwise? even if they did have to use binoculars.) around this time a young woman came in as well as another very thin grizzly adams young man. ranger man got behind his desk and said, "ok, let's sort out what everyone's here for so i can get a bit more organized." he pointed to me and said, "you were next, what's your mission?" i explained that my mission was very uninteresting compared to man-skirt man and his buddy with the glazed over eyes. i just wanted to hike. the young woman also wanted to climb the summit and grizzly adams, jr. wanted to cut firewood. ranger man asked the climbers if they would mind waiting just a few minutes while he helped me and grizzly as it was going to take a while to get all the paperwork done for them. by the time ranger man finished talking with me, we decided a 2-mile at the best hike (and pretty flat at that) of shasta's base wasn't what i was really hoping to do so he suggested i go south about 10 miles - still part of the range that shasta is in - and hike crag's castle. they also had campsites and even though i almost changed my mind a few times just to be able to say i had done a hike at mt. shasta, i decided to take his advice. he said crag's castle was a difficult hike (not climb) but SO worth it and that the campsites were really cool, too. he gave grizzly his permit - wait a minute - there were two grizzlies come to think of it. well, one grizzly and one very handsome, blonde-headed young man in his twenties. the latter was already in their computer system and had a license but they had to override it for some reason - something to do with oregon and california. he was definitely trying to get the permit to "chop" fire wood. i'm not really sure, now, what the one who really resembled grizzly adams (although on the very thin side) wanted. it wasn't to climb or hike, i know that. which left the young woman. ranger: "so, you want to do the summit, too." young woman: "yes, but i'm not sure i want to start today." ranger: "your call but i can tell you the weather is not going to be so good tomorrow and the mountain has it's own weather system as i was just reminding these other two." young woman: "i know. just keep talking to them while i make up my mind." i can't tell you how much i wanted to pull her aside and have a little talk but, all the while i'm reminding myself that i have at least one offspring who participates in such activities and, from seeing the look in man-skirt's friend's eyes, i knew that once these people made up their minds, there was no stopping them. i told myself, 'at least they're stopping at the ranger's station and getting information' then i remembered they had to stop at the ranger's station to get a permit and to register (which i'm sure involved leaving a next of kin notice). hell, i went for a 3 hour hike at cloud peak and had to register and keep one copy of the "registration" on my person at all times. all joking aside, even eyes-glazed over man took the whole thing very seriously. he was making the ranger repeat things several times . . . asking what i thought were good questions (like i'd know) . . . and high-fiving his friend several times.

i left and headed for crag's castle. got off at the exit for lassen thinking crag's castle might be too much. turned back around telling myself i wouldn't know unless i tried. and that's how i ended up at crag's castle state park with a bear locker and a map to the various trailheads. i drove back and selected my campsite, came back out and gave the ranger my choice, got my permit and had to sign an "i understand what i need to do to be a responsible camper in black bear country" affidavit. i told her i didn't have any food on me - just granola bars and they were in a tupperware container. she said they needed to go into the bear locker along with any toothpaste, lip balm, deodorant, anything with a scent. i said, "i have lotion and lip balm on - do i need to wash it off." without rolling her eyes she said, "no, they're not interested in you, only your food and they're more frightened of you than you are of them." i wanted to say "wanna bet?" but let it slide. instead i said, "they can really smell granola that's inside a box, inside a tupperware container, inside a locked car?" i thought she would say something like they just didn't want to risk it but she said that two years ago a hiker left granola on his dashboard and a bear ripped open his jeep and took the granola and i can't remember what else because my mind had returned to the 'do you really want to do this?' phase. i asked if there had been any bear sightings and she said "oh yes but they really aren't going to hurt you. none have been aggressive as long as i can remember other than the jeep incident and if the guy had been in his jeep, the bear probably wouldn't have bothered." she followed with, 'we have a mother with two cubs so, if you see them, just stop, make sure she knows you're not aggressive and wait for her to move on.'

there were about 12 other campsites taken - all but two of them tent camping - so i told myself i could do it. i parked my prius inside the bear locker just to be safe (just kidding). got my tent set up with the sleeping bag, etc. inside as i figured that after the hike i'd probably just want to shower then relax and go to sleep. i am SO glad i made that decision.

the ranger had told me how to hit one of the trailheads by walking in from the campsite. i decided to drive back to the main parking area so that if my car was still there long after dark, someone might realize i was still 'in them thar hills.' and so it began. i had my pack with rain gear, long sleeved shirt, long pants, fleece jacket - just in case. 3 bottles of water. my keys and wallet (which i always take with me wherever i go and which was my #1 concern in going to get my head checked today. what if i had to have an xray and couldn't take my keys and IDs/ credit cards with me?). hanes (who said, "not on your life" when i asked him if he wanted me to leave him in the tent or prius). my camera and my iPhone. i also had my bear spray armed and at the ready, attached to the lower right loop of my backpack.

about 1/2 mile in, two teens come walking past me - no pack, no extra anything, no bear spray, just each holding an empty bottle of water. they said hi, i said hi back and asked which trail they'd done and it was the same one i was hoping to do. i just smiled and said "nice." about an hour later i passed 4 women - or they passed me. they had small packs and one of them had obviously fallen as her leg was scraped pretty badly. one of the women said, 'you sure picked the right time to do this - nice breeze. are you going all the way to the top?' i said i was just hoping to do crag's trail and she said that's what they had done and how great it was. about 30 minutes later, i hit a point where i really wasn't sure i could keep going. i don't know if it was the altitude in general, the elevation i had "walked" in the time frame i'd been walking or what but i had to sit down, i drank a whole bottle of water, and i took a photo thinking i was going to have to turn around and head down. but, after sitting there for about 10/15 minutes and drinking the water, i decided to march onwards and upwards although i did keep thinking about angel fire in september of 2010 and how i had thought it would be so easy to walk 1800 feet downhill and had to be "rescued" at 1000 feet as my legs wouldn't move any more (much to cj's chagrin, i'm sure.) how uncool could a mom be? but then i reminded myself that the incident at angel fire is what caused me to really start working out and get in better shape - or some kind of shape - and so i should be fine. i was fine at bear butte, i was fine at cloud's peak, i was fine in wallace; "fine" being a relative term, of course.

it wasn't 30 minutes later - if that much before i almost fell off the path when i saw what was before me. to the left - shasta. straight ahead and upwards - the "crags." i could not believe i had made it to the end of the trail i was going to climb. in fact, i felt so good and was so overwhelmed, i decided to go to "castle's dome" once the tears stopped and i was sure i had good footing. just then i heard a noise behind me that was NOT a hiker. i knew i recognized the sound but couldn't place it. i turned around (very slowly) and it was a mountain biker. he said, 'sorry if i startled you.' and all i could say was 'how the hell did you get up here?' he said, "i know, we're not supposed to be on the trail" to which i replied "no - i don't mean that. i mean how they hell did you physically get up that trail?" he said it was a trek but he'd done it several times over the past few years and knew it pretty well now. i asked if he was headed back down as, at this point, it really became rocky and windy (and all the while i'm worried about the climbers over at shasta because if i thought this was difficult i couldn't imagine what they were going through) and he said, 'no - i'm going up a bit further.' i did a john mcenroe impersonation and said, "you cannot be serious." he laughed, said he was but added that he was going to rest awhile and for me to go on ahead as he didn't want to throw any rocks my direction and i told him perhaps he should go first as i didn't want to throw any bodies in his direction. he laughed again and said, 'no really, i need to rest before i try to do the rest of the trail.' then he told me he thought it was awesome that i was doing this but had i seen the movie "172 hours." i said, "no, i know what it's about but i'm not going to see it. i have two sons who are very active in the outdoors - one extremely so - and i am not going to watch the movie.' i added, 'my only consolation besides the fact that they love what they do - as you apparently do, too - is that they've promised me they never go out alone when they're doing an extreme sport.' the little bastard then said, 'oh, like you?' i looked at him and he said, 'where's your buddy?' well, i had already been thinking plenty about how i was in the "do what i say and not what i do" mode and had even told someone close to me that i fully intended to acknowledge that when i got home and told this young man so. i also told him about my trip - it's length, the places i was going, etc. and that it was impossible to find a "buddy" so i was trying to do the next best thing. i let my son cory know whenever i'm going on a more remote hike, i let him know where i'm staying at night and i'm always certain to check in at the rangers' stations. he said he was just giving me a hard time and i said, "good for you" now where's your buddy. he said his helmet was his buddy and that he always told someone where he was going and when to expect to hear from him. he couldn't check in at the ranger's station as bikes weren't allowed. then he said, 'you be careful up there. it's windy and very rocky and you might want to leave your pack down here.' i thanked him and continued up with my pack (and hanes). he was right. it was windy. it was rocky. if hanes and my money/ ids/ keys weren't in my pack i might have dropped it at any number of points but i didn't. because of that, i could only get one or two photos from the top and those were holding onto a tree (or what was left of a tree). it was the coolest feeling in the world. a personal accomplishment. some people run marathons by their 50th birthday. others have other goals. all i knew just over a year ago was that i wanted to get into shape. when i took early retirement instead of moving back to NYC, i told myself i was going to take a trip before going back to work. when i seemed to be putting that off, two of my children were pretty emphatic about me doing it reminding me it was the perfect time if there was such a thing. the hardest thing to do was to leave austin when cj surprised us all and moved there for the summer but i was up front with him about it. i told him that, to be honest, i didn't want to go on the trip at the expense of getting to spend time with him as there was no telling when i'd have that opportunity again even if it was snippets of time here and there between his work, activities and spending time with his friends. he said, 'mom, you've got to do what you've got to do but you're right - it will just be snippets of time and, besides, i'll still be here for a month or so when you get back.'

and so, here i am. so fortunate and so mindful of it. so grateful that i've been able to make the climbs (correction - hikes) that i have and to have seen the things i've seen and meet the people i've met (even really cool doctors in small towns that i still haven't found on the map). to learn when it's time to overcome a fear and when it's time to acknowledge something is not just a fear to be overcome - it's just plain stupidity to continue (think snowdrifts, avalance warnings, "i wouldn't go there if i were you" comments, etc.)

i've had a few dear friends ask me if i've found what i was looking for yet. i don't know how many ways to say it but i did not set out on this trip to "find" anything. i set out to take a trip and that's exactly what i've done so far and hope to continue to do. i've also had a few dear friends touch base with me just to say they're thinking of me and hope i'm having a wonderful adventure. one friend calls me twice - sometimes 3 times - a week to find out where i am and where i've been in between. she doesn't have or want a computer and she's "mapping" my trip on her atlas. i told her i'm mapping it too with a purple hi-lighter but she likes keeping track and i think it's kind of cool. she couldn't believe it when i went through a town with the same name as her last name and then a mountain with the same name. my kiddos have been great too about keeping in touch and my only wish is that i could share each wonderful moment with everyone. there are a few moments, of course, no one would want to be part of but it's the incredible moments i wish i could share; that i wish everyone could experience. but i suppose what i consider incredible wouldn't be so to everyone. to some it would be "lame" compared to what they do; to some it would be boring; to some it would be too dirty; to some it would be a waste of time, to some it would indeed be glorious, etc.

once i turned around to head "home" from castle dome, two young men were coming around the corner where i'd run into bicycle man. they stopped flat out like i was a bear or something. i just said, "hi, how's it going?" and they snapped and mumbled great, cool, something along those lines. then one of the guys said, "did you go to the dome?" i said "yes" (about to pop inside) and he said, 'sweet' and gave me what i thought was going to me a high - five but his knuckles were involved so i just made the same gesture and hoped i wasn't engaging in some sort of gang talk that meant "throw me over the ledge now." but they both smiled and i said, 'be careful, it's really windy up there.' and they said "will do." then i met two more people headed up and they had the same "did you go all the way to the dome?" question and i'm fairly certain a "can you believe she has a pack and bear spray?" look between them. then i came to a mom and her 3 young teen-aged kids. they were in short sleeves (as was i still . . . and the mom had a pack) and i said, 'it's getting chilly at the top and pretty windy' the youngest girl said, "you mean we're almost there?" i said, "you're almost at the end of crag's trail then there's the castle dome" and the mom said, "we're not doing castle dome, just crag's" and the daughter started jumping for joy - she was SO ready to turn around. i was so excited to have gotten there and be headed back i wasn't paying attention to much at all when i heard a whirring noise. this time i knew what it was and stepped over to the side as much as i could without falling. bicycle man shouted "i'm supposed to be the one looking out for you." i said, "i know but it's easier for me to stop and start again than it is for you." he waved as he passed by and i told him to keep both hands on the handlebars. he had told me, during our chat at the top, about some waterfalls that were in the area but not on any map. he told me how to get to them "off trail." for me, that would fall in the "don't be stupid category" but i thought it was great that he told me about them and maybe one of these years i'll try to find them - with someone.

taking some advil now and putting the ice pack back on the noggin' tomorrow is supposed to be gorgeous (according to the man in the parking lot who helped me lay cj's tarp over the top of my car to dry - forgot to mention that i had to break camp at 5 a.m. in an absolute downpour. tent and rain fly are hung up in the bathroom and i hope they'll be dry by morning. i called REI - can't put them in a dryer (cj was right) - so if they're not completely dry by tomorrow afternoon, i may have to hang them out my car window and let them flap in the wind as i drive around a bit. then i get to see my friend lore and her family and can air them out in their back yard (if she'll let me - i don't want to embarrass her or anything - or drag down the neighborhood).

p.s. i can't believe i carried on so and forgot the crater lake day. another time. suffice it to say "snow and park ranger who clearly needs some more off-the-job-before-dealing-with-people training.

peace from tiny-town CA

and i've been worried about those guys climbing shasta all day. you couldn't even SEE the mountain this morning for the storm.

postcard 26 june 2011

2011-06-26T13:05:00.008-05:00

about to leave eugene, headed for crater lake (oregon). not sure what i'll actually find there or what i'll be able to do as last night's forest service report shows that the campgrounds are still closed (due to snow) as well as the hiking trails (bring snow shoes or cross country skis) . . . there is one group of cabins open but i'm not sure i want to go that route or if it's even an option. 6 of the 8 roads are open but the two that are closed are the ones that get you toward the top. i understand that crater lake is one of the national parks that is usually the latest to be completely thawed, anyway, so i should have been better prepared for this news after wyoming, montana and idaho. oh well, i'll just have to see where this leads - that's been the great part of the adventure so far.

i had such a wonderful time the last few days in oregon. thursday evening i was with my friend aimee in portland then friday i got to hike the oregon coast for 2 hours in perfect weather, then friday night and saturday/ saturday night and this morning with my friends laurie, corbett and their most amazing "baby" maeby. i honestly cannot remember the last time i laughed so hard and was with a group of people as engaging, intelligent, funny, unassuming and less self-absorbed with such great conversation and banter since i was in new york in the 70s. i was more of a fly on the wall, in awe, but it was wonderful. my ribs hurt this morning as if i'd done a major upper body workout yesterday. it was the perfect "workout" for the soul and heart.

yesterday afternoon, laurie and i went to king winery outside of eugene in lorrane, oregon. the day could not have been more beautiful, the food more perfect, the view more stunning and to get to enjoy it all with one of my best friends was simply a gift (and our friends angela and michelle j (mj) were with us in spirit - it is next to impossible to be in a place like that - especially with the wine and vineyard - without their "being" with us).

also, very monumental occasion yesterday evening when sock monkey and hanes got to meet. quite emotional for us all. needless to say, they hung out together all evening and hanes even got into some monkey business. that is nancy's fault.

laurie and i are off to grab some coffee and maybe a bit of breakfast while i get the oil in my car changed. hard to believe i've already gone almost 5,000 miles. 5,000 amazing miles. so many incredible experiences - many of which i would have, at one point in my life, considered nightmares.

today is my younger sister's birthday. even though we're all in our 50s now, it's hard not to "see" her as my baby sister. and i can just hear my dad singing 'hippo birdies 2 ewes' to her as he did to us all. boynton must have made a fortune off of dad!

23 june 2011

2011-06-24T00:17:00.013-05:00

ok - so i've been off by a day or so. it's amazing what happens when you don't HAVE to know the date and time, even in your own time zone, 24 hours a day. plus, when you get to pack so much into one 24-hour time period, that 24-hour period can seem like a week. i can't believe it was just yesterday morning that i was in moscow. and here i am in portland with my friend aimee. and i've been with lisa and her family in ellensburg . . . driven the white pass around mt. rainier . . . found a place to stay in packwood when all of my campsites were - big surprise - closed due to snow . . . and hiked the lewis & clark forest in washington in the meantime.

the theme of this trip so far has definitely been earth wind and fire - one of my least favorite groups from the 70s - but, truly people, it's not nice to fool mother nature and we have definitely been thinking we've done so for far too long. i told my friend laurie earlier today that if i pass one more snow plow going in the opposite direction i am going to scream. not literally, of course, as i'm trying to maintain the "no expectations" agenda but, really. june 23 now and not just campsites closed due to snow but snow flakes still falling from the sky?

consistent with the 'learn one new thing everyday' that my dad ingrained in me very early in life (not that i always followed through), this trip has made up for any lost time exponentially. i already knew to never say never and not to ask "can it get any worse?" but now i also know not to say 'i've seen/ heard it all.' a new "weather-related" term that i never thought i'd be familiar with in the first person (added to 'avalanche' and 'landslide') is "ash." as in stopping at a gas station in a town with a population of 12 (or any size for that matter) and asking, "what is that white stuff? cottonwood down, snow flakes, what?" and having the reply be "no, it's probably ash from mt. st. helen's but it was snowing earlier." i, in my ignorance saying, ' i had no idea the ash residue was still that prevalent' and he said, 'you're not from around here, are you?'

i bet that, at this time, the national forest service has a tag relay going whereby they are alerting the next ranger station once i've stopped at theirs. the office on the eastern side of mt. ranier told me that chinook pass was closed and that white pass was open. they did not, however, tell me that there was a chance of snow continuing through the evening NOR that most of the campgrounds were closed to other than 4-wheel drive vehicles. on one hand, it would have been good information to have. on the other hand, i might have passed on the white pass and have missed one of the most spectacular moments of my life . . . rounding a turn after sunset when all of a sudden there's mt. rainier with a white light all around it and having to pull over to make sure that what you think you're seeing, you're really seeing. it was like it had a light source all its own and had fused with this massive cloud and i really don't know why i'm trying to describe it because it's just not possible. i am just so incredibly grateful to have been able to be there at that moment. just like the rainbow in custer national forest. i'd heard that when the inhabitants of some of the islands first saw the european ships they didn't really "see" them because they were so foreign to anything they'd ever experienced before that they couldn't see them. i don't know if that's true or not (like, who's alive that had the opportunity to interview them?) but i can at least get my head around the possibility after last night. i truly had to pull over and shake my head and blink my eyes a few times before i realized that what i was seeing was really what i was seeing. and, while i tried to take some photos, none could possibly do it justice.

my friend paula says that if you want to make god laugh, tell her your plans. i totally, totally get that now. it's almost as if i can be guaranteed that if i tell someone what my plans are for the day's journey, they will be totally different and, so far, the alternative has been a blessing. not even a blessing in disguise, just a blessing. so, when i stopped at the ranger station in randle, i wasn't the least bit surprised when he told me, "nope, all the FSRs (forest service roads) from here to oregon are closed other than 28 but you probably can't get to 28 unless you've got 4-wheel drive. your best bet is probably to hike the lewis and clark state park about an hour or so from the oregon border. and, so much for my taking the scenic route from highway 12 around mt. st. helen's to portland. road closed due to snow. that said, when i got to the turn-off for mt. st. helen's, the "warning, road closed" sign was not flashing so i decided to try it as, perhaps, the alert had lifted since i left the ranger station. i promised myself that if it looked the least bit worrisome, i would turn around immediately. immediately turned out to be at mile marker 11. . . passed the snow plow going in the opposite direction at mile marker 8. i thought that was promising. wrong. i don't know if the mixture was more ash or snow at that particular moment but i knew better than to think about it and focused all my attention on how best to turn around. thankfully, due to the heavy RV traffic in a typical summer, there are a fair number of turnouts along the road.

i made it to the lewis & clark state park (washington) and stopped in the park office and asked the usual, "anything in particular i need to know before heading in?" only to have the park ranger ask, "like what?" i said, "like anything . . . bear . . . snow . . . volcanic eruption . . . " (i think the forest service in randle had radioed ahead that i might be coming). she did everything possible not to burst out laughing, i'm sure, but simply replied that there were always bear but black bear and not aggressive and that if i saw one it would probably just be a cub. well, i know enough from texas to know that if you see a baby snake, the mother isn't far behind so i went ahead and took my bear spray with me on the hike - hike being a great injustice to the word. it was more like a lengthy walk. there was very little change in elevation whatsoever other than personal elevation as in my having to duck to avoid branches, vines, etc. (i just learned something else - i always thought the word "hike" meant some significant exertion was involved like a difficult walk but webster's says no - hike (v) to walk for a long distance, esp. across country or in the woods or (n) a long walk, esp. in the country or wilderness.) so, technically, i got a 2 hour hike in today.

that said, as tired as i am of seeing things named for lewis & clark as well as custer, i will say that this particular park seemed aptly named. in fact, i don't think anyone has been there SINCE lewis & clark. i told cory i took my bear spray but that i'd have been better off with a can of deet and a machete. it was pouring rain when i first arrived. i sat in the car for awhile debating whether or not to just put the REI rain jacket on and get on with it or to let the storm pass. mother nature made it easy - the rain stopped, just like that. i added a layer or two of clothing to my upper torso, put on a thick pair of socks, a ball cap and my hiking boots, made sure my REI rain jacket was in my backpack along with a flashlight and the other accoutrements my "outdoorsy" family and friends have recommended and sent an email to cory that i was "going in." as my phone said, "no service" i didn't expect he would get it until much later (when i was out of the forest and back on the road) but, when i got back to the car, i had an email from him about not getting my socks wet. by then, of course, they already were. how did my kids get so very, very, very much smarter than me at 1/3 my age????

anyway, as i was saying before i so rudely interrupted myself, i didn't think this qualified as a "hike" as it was pretty much flat most of the way and even involved seeing the state park road at one point - not to mention a pink (swear) tent about a mile into the woods. even though the elevation changes were minimal to say the least, i did have to duck, climb and maneuver in other ways to make my way through, including one fairly aerobic act not to fall on my arse but i got 2 hours of exercise which was really nice. it's amazing how, once you get used to exercising every day, you really miss it when it doesn't happen. as it turned out, i needn't have worried about bringing my rain jacket as there were leaves back there that were big enough to serve as beach umbrellas but, i'm sorry to say, there are no photos of hanes on today's hike. he flat out refused to join me mumbling something about me being ape sh . . .

back to last night and the unexpected inability to camp anywhere along white pass OR to go more than 15 mph along said pass . . . i had just about decided around 11 that i was going to have to pull over at the safest turnout or shoulder and sit out the weather and moonless (or hidden moon) evening when all of a sudden i saw a light up ahead - and it was not an oncoming train. it was the sign for the mountain view lodge in packwood. lilly, the wonderful proprietess, had information about the roads that i told her she could sell to the forest service and she just laughed. but she also gave me an absolutely lovely room for next to nothing and i was able to have a good night's rest and hit the road again early this morning (even though it feels like it was at least two days ago).

after my hike, i headed down to portland to see my friend aimee. later we went to dinner at a place she likes called "kin." i can honestly say it was perfect. the food, the drink, the service, the place . . . everything. they even had fernet branca on the wine list which was the perfect inside joke for aimee and me. of course, they ran out having just served the last of their stock to another guest just before us but all that really mattered was that it was on the menu. if you haven't already read, 'cooking with fernet branca' by james hamilton patterson, well. . . just know it's out there, in more ways than one. i loved it and i sent it to aimee a few years ago. she's the only one i told about it and tonight was the first time i'd seen it on a wine list so it sealed the evening.

unfortunately, when we got back to aimee's apartment, we got some very sad news from one of our friends whose mother passed away unexpectedly this evening. this friend also lost her husband in the past 13 months and my heart just aches for her. her mom was only 69 and she died from the very same thing my mom almost died of in 2008 - an aortic aneurysm. life is so fragile and precious.

it may sound corny but the only sight i've seen that is more precious than the ones i've mentioned above and in previous posts is the "sight" of each of my children at the moment of their birth - and over the years. this trip is wonderful . . . i know how very, very fortunate i am. but the greatest gift i've ever known is one i've been blessed with 4 times over - and they continue to bless and amaze me over and over and over again.

and now, it's time to call it a day . . . or 24 hours. hanes is thrilled to be here with aimee; dry, warm, cuddled and i'll need to check twice to ensure he's in the car tomorrow before taking off. he seems awfully comfortable right now.

summer solstice postcard a/k/a moscow calling

2011-06-22T01:27:00.014-05:00

as in moscow, idaho. my friend wendy said moscow was one of her favorite places she'd ever lived so i had to make sure to see it at some point on this trip. if wendy liked it, it must be wonderful.

from billings i ended up heading west on the interstate. i didn't stop at any of the places i thought i might due to rain or water up to (and in two cases) over the road so i pushed on until i thought the rain was behind me and headed a bit south off of I-90 on Highway 1. It seemed quite benign and wasn't on any of the "you'd best turn around" reports. this first town i came to was anaconda. it was lovely enough with some spectacular mountains bordering it to the east but i didn't want to sleep in a town named for a snake so i kept on. there were two more towns on Highway 1 and numerous national forest campsites so i thought i was in good shape. i was seriously surprised, however, when Highway 1 turned into the most frightening road i'd been on yet. the creeks and lakes were up to the road and every single one of the national forest campsites was closed. i was going about 15 mph and i rounded a turn and came face to face with a wall of rock (on the right side of the highway, not ON the highway). i don't remember the right name for it despite having studied geology but it was the layer upon layer rock which you often see along the side of a road that's been cut through only in this case the striations weren't horizontal to the ground nor vertical - they were at a 45 degree angle to the earth - so much so that i was temporarily confused and tilted my head to the left thinking the whole earth was going to move and that i needed to keep up. with the road being as winding as it was, water water everywhere, this phenomenon caught me totally unaware. i slowed down even more due to the twists in the road even though i wanted to "punch it" and get out of there as quickly as possible. around the next bend i saw all kinds of rocks and mud and trees on the left hand side and brought the car virtually to a halt to look over and there had definitely been a major landslide in the past day or two which i later confirmed by reading the philipsburg mail (newspaper) in, you guessed it, philipsburg, montana. it was down Highway 1 about 30 miles even though it took me over an hour to get to it as i was travelling at 5 mph most of the way. even georgetown lake was up to the road. there was a really neat little "inn" just off the highway similar to the one in grey bull so i stopped and asked if there were any vacancies. imagine my surprise when two women who could have passed for a number of the wonderful people i had met owning and managing the inn. they had a vacancy and i crashed. the town seemed so nice and the paper said there were several good hiking areas and they had a forest service office so first thing yesterday i headed over to the forest service to get the maps to the hikes. well, wouldn't you know that the trailheads were all inaccessible other than one short nature hike that was less than a mile. then she said, "but you could go up to granite. it's a ghost town now but you could get a good hike in up there if you're in good shape. you'll need to watch for bears but that's about it." i asked her what kind of bear and she said mostly black bears but there'd been a report of a grizzly or two in the area. that was all i needed to hear - bear spray and all. so i drove up to the ghost town (which was very cool by the way - there was one brick and stone building that reminded me of pompei but also of an old schoolhouse ali and i had fallen in love with in missouri. in fact, i'm pretty sure it could be fixed up although the road up to the ghost town left a lot to be desired. from there i decided to just make the best use of my time and did laundry for an hour and a half or so. then i went back to the inn ($50/night - can't beat that) and sat outside my room, facing the west and the sunset, and read. (if you haven't read "the lemon tree" by sandy tolan i highly recommend it. in fact, i think it should be required reading in high school.) around 8:30 i turned in for the evening, reading some more and then sorting the car. it had gotten a bit hodge podge in the past 17 days. i can't believe i've been gone 17 days.

i left philipsburg (which really was a great town - one i could live in) and took Highway 1 over to 90 and was grateful to have avoided any "fallen rock" according to one slide and evidence supporting "watch for slides." i checked in at glacier and they said the road remain closed once you got a few miles in on either side and cj said that as great as glacier is, it wasn't worth the time to drive all that way to only get to see 15 miles of it. that i could go another time and crater lake was pretty great too and that one should be plenty accessible. so, i drove over toward wallace, idaho as quite a few people told me it was really a cool town (including the owner of the Inn in which i stayed) and that it had a terrific "rails to trails" network for cycling or hiking. well, when i got there, the "trails" were asphalt pavement and i just didn't want to do that. i wanted something more back country and not so tame. i stopped at the visitor center and they pointed me in the direction of several other trails. i asked about bear sighting and they said there hadn't been any in a few years so i thought i'd leave the bear spray in the car. when i got to the forest service sign, there were a few folks sitting there smoking. i asked them if they knew where the trailheads were and one may answered "just up the road a piece." fyi: whenever someone you don't know in an area you aren't familiar with says "just up the road a piece," try to pin them down a little more. i drove and drove and drove and, other than an ATV cut off i didn't see any trail heads. anyway, i told the guy thanks and he said "you've got your pistol, right?" i asked him why. . . had bear been sighted and he said 3 in a week and that he'd seen one himself. i asked if they were black or grizzly or what and he said cinnamon. i still don't know what that is but will look it up. i told him i didn't have a pistol but i had an industrial can of bear spray, guaranteed to work unless, of course, you sprayed it in the wrong direction. he ended by saying, "it's all montana's fault. they're still covered in so much snow, the bear are having to come here to find food." i wanted to say something about the snow in idaho but i just kept my mouth closed and kept going.

what i'm going to share next is a PSA although most of you who read this blog are far more intelligent and, more importantly have far more common sense than me. i knew that i only had to give one quick push to test it. i knew not to be downwind or where the spray - direct or dispersed - could reach any other people or animals, etc. i got behind the big forest service sign and gave a real quick and short push on the trigger. what i didn't expect was a force similar to turning on the bathroom sink and getting the volume of a fire hydrant pouring out. i immediately said "whoa - and then, that should take care of any kind of predator. that said, i apparently breathed in some of the bear spray when i said that as i crossed from behind the sign to the front, my right eye wouldn't open and it hurt like hell, it was hard to breathe and the right side of my face felt funny. i could not believe it. i thought i'd done everything right and i thought for a few minutes i wouldn't be able to do the hike. so i sat there and just waited and, after about 30 minutes, i was good to go even though my face still burned. it was a very nice four mile hike. much of it uphill. but, before that, i went "up the road apiece" and ended up turning around when i reached the guy on the snow plow. the snow melt was already falling like crazy into the stream and i never did find another trailhead other than one which was right by the snow plow. so i headed back down to where the "watch out for bears" guy had been and took that hike. i thought it was going to be too easy but it was almost all uphill and went past some beautiful, beautiful scenery and i learned about the great fire of 1910 which burned over 3,000,000 acres and a guy named pulanski who now has a firefighting tool named after him. i remembered what the forest ranger in buffalo had told me - if there's a small creek or trickle you have to pass on your way in, just remember that it will be much larger when you come out due to the warm temperatures (it was in the high 70s while i was on my hike). thankfully i was able to get through them just fine on the way back.

i had my bear spray at the ready - safety lock off, product tested, and had it hooked onto my backpack and where i could reach it immediately - in fact i kept my thumb on the trigger most of the time. the manual also said to be alert to my surroundings - not to keep looking at the ground. after a while i had to ask myself, "would you rather risk looking up and around for bear" or would you rather fall off the side and break your neck for not looking up and being alert? i tried to do a combination but, in all honesty, i was looking at the path and the drop down more than i was being alert to critters in the forest. i saw no bear. i saw 7 other people in two different groups. none of them even had backpacks but i chalked it up to their being so young. i also noted in the register at the trailhead that there was someone there yesterday from austin. small small world.

on the way to wallace from montana i told myself that i was somehow going to do a hike in montana. the nearer i closed in on the idaho border, the more i considered all my options. finally i saw a pull out for the cyr river. even though some of the hike was on flat ground, there were also 50 steps to the boat launch area so i climbed them 5 times to start the circulation. then i hiked up and down the unpaved road for about an hour. i saw what i thought to be a loon but i also thought "this can't be a loon, i didn't think they came this far south and i never saw its mate and i'm told they mate for life so maybe it was just an imposter. hanes was a little upset with me, too. in the photo of him above, he thought it said lunch area - he was quite disappointed to see the "a" before the "u" on second glance.

anyway, with wallace being so touristy, i decided to leave and head to the national forest on lake couer d'alene. i found it while it was still daylight and drove the 3 miles (at 15 mph due to road conditions) to the camping area. from the looks of things, i didn't expect anyone to be there but there WERE other people and they were all in RVs - i'd have been the only one in a tent and i was cool with that but i was not cool with the sign upon entry that had a sign that read "be aware of bears!" and also one that was handwritten - i suppose by the camp host - that read: "Warning - coyotes have recently been spotted in the camping area. there was only one spot left at this amazing remote and beautiful area but i decided to leave. i have become irrationally afraid of bears and, knowing why doesn't make the fear any better. so, from there i headed toward moscow but hoped for another campsite on the way. there weren't any others so i ended up driving all the way to moscow, arriving around 11 or so. got a room at a $48/ night motel (the "inn" in philipsburg had been all of $50) and plan on crashing soon. but i got in two hikes today and it feels really good.

another note: when i was hiking in wallace today, in between being alert to bears, not breaking my ankle on the path and watching the path, i totally forgot about the possibility of running into other critters. but i did, i saw two snakes (don't know the type yet) and a chipmunk. the guy in the parking lot who told me about the bears also told me there weren't any other possible threats out there. i wanted to catch the snake (i could tell they weren't poisonous) and take them to him upon my return. hanes would have nothing of it and threatened to leave me if i even came close to picking up the snake so i carried on. once i got back to the car, i could really feel my leg muscles having been used and i wondered how those who climb denali and everest and the alpsin the himalayas and other countries do it. i have immense respect for them.

so, i found myself singing "cinnamon girl" most of the way, with my finger on the trigger of the bear spray (almost got fido with it once but didn't as his owner was right around the corner and called him back.) very clearly had some pit bull in him and he was having none of my "attitude" of being friendly but not making the first move toward him. as the trail progressed up and up and up i got a little tired and, at one point, almost shot the bear spray instead of pushing the button on the camera. like my brain gets mixed up a lot and i'll write "2" instead of the letter "R". i'll also roll down the window instead of turning on a signal . . . not sure why that is.

there were some little towns between here and wallace that were absolutely stunning. i would like to do that route in the opposite direction but seeing as how it took me almost 3 hours to go under 50 miles i knew that wasn't an option for a day. i had no idea the panhandle of idaho is as spectacular as it is. i could live here except for the 15 foot poles every few feet along the road which, i learned, are to serve as markers so the snow plow drivers know where the road is so they don't go over it. you couldn't pay me enough money to do that job nor to be a member of the road crew in wyoming. i hope those guys and gals are well paid.

tomorrow it's over to ellensburg to see my friend lisa - unless i find some great hike or adventure on the way. she's very flexible as to arrival day and time but i'm pretty sure it will be tomorrow. as i sat and watched the sunset somewhere between wallace and moscow i was amazed at the color changes and the snow on top of the mountains turning pink then purple and also by the colors and shadows on the various lakes. the national geographic map does not do this scenic route justice.

signing off half asleep. i am so grateful for the opportunity to do this trip.

over and out and peace from idaho.

i'll leave you with this quote from "the lemon tree" . . . "if national interest comes before our common humanity, then there is no hope for redemption, there is no hope for healing, there is no hope for transformation, there is no hope for healing."

let's all strive to find that common humanity and truly act upon it. no matter what the differences are. we're all just people, after all. with so much damage done in the name of "religion" and in such total conflict with what the great messengers came to say - jesus, mohammed, buddha, and untold others. the nonsense just has to stop - these are peoples' children, mothers, brothers, fathers, sisters who are dying and who continue to fight for they know not what for in many cases.

we can change things, one by one.

p.s. all these photos (about 1/100th of the ones i took) were taken with my phone. there are some much better ones on my camera which is still in the car and i'm not going to go get it tonight.

father's day postcard

2011-06-19T14:44:00.005-05:00

spent last night in billings, montana with my cousin and his family. got to see him perform in a community theater production of "chicago." amazing how much talent is in a town the population of 100,000. really great show. this morning i went to services as his wife, susan, is the minister of one of the methodist churches here and it really was a lovely service and i met some wonderful new people. there are wonderful people everywhere. i also got to spend a little time with two of their daughters who i hadn't seen since the youngest was 4. they are very very cool young women - who hike, run, backpack, climb, etc. and had a lot of first-hand knowledge of some of the areas i wanted to visit.

now i'm outside of billings trying to decide in which direction to head. i know there is so much beauty to be found southwest of here toward jackson hole and the tetons, etc. but every report i've checked this morning has all kinds of weather-related reports for all the places i had marked - some even by their very name. i don't know if "avalanche" falls in the weather-related category but it's also been mentioned with respect to two of the passes that were on my "list." the roads are open but travelers are to be advised that there is a high potential for avalanche and be aware of the risk associated with said conditions. i'm just not going to risk it. besides, there's beauty everywhere and, no matter where i go, it will be a new experience - new places, new people all kinds of things to learn. and, thus far, whenever plan a has turned into plan b, c, d or "not even considered in the plans", it's turned out to be just what i needed.

so, i think i'm just going to get on the interstate for a change and head west and look at things again once i get to livingston or maybe butte and, depending on what's happening there, may head out of montana and into idaho for wallace. much of glacier is still closed - you can head in from the east for 13 miles but then have to turn around or you can head in from the west and go 15 miles and turn around. cj said glacier was incredible . . . i just don't know if it's worth going that many miles and only getting to experience a small portion of it and not even get to camp. he's supposed to be calling me today so i'll ask him.

also, i've had several folks scare the bejesus out of me with regard to grizzly bears. it seems that besides their becoming more aggressive in general given our encroaching upon their areas more and more, the late thaw of this "summer" is causing them to have to look further away than usual for food - their usual spring habitats are still thickly snowed in. i'm willing to take my chances with snakes as much as i dislike them. i'm not willing to take my chances with grizzly bears and especially not alone. i know i could be hit by a bus walking across the street but the bear thing has me unnerved. i have an industrial size can of bear spray with all kinds of warnings (make sure that, if it's windy, you spray the bear downwind) - seriously? i'll be doing good to a) not die of a heart attack or b) not to spray myself in the face.

the other day when i hiked the cloud peak wilderness area the ranger had told me i might see elk or black bear but i didn't have to worry about either - just not to mess with them and they wouldn't mess with me. well, since then i have done even more homework and there have been two instances of black bears being aggressive. i just don't know what to think as i'm being given so much information - some conflicting - with people who know what they're talking about. people who actually camp and hike in some of the areas to which i wanted to go and the national park and forest folks. i don't want to sit in a plastic bubble like i've done much of my life - i am really enjoying this adventure - but i'd like to follow the same advice i'd give my kiddos or friends. not that they would follow my advice but you know what i mean.

i'm kind of thinking i'll push on to wallace and then to see my friend lisa in washington state. i guess this time tomorrow i'll know where i am - if i don't, someone will. besides, if i do head back to wyoming, i may never get anywhere else. it was so unbelievably beautiful i was stopping every 5 minutes or so - at that rate, it would take me 4 weeks just to get halfway through the state.

postcard - what day is it, anyway?

2011-06-17T20:35:00.020-05:00

just checked computer - 17 june. have i really been on the road for 13 days already? i don't know where to begin and better not even try because it's after 9 pm and i've been up since 5 am and i want to get an early start tomorrow.

i'll say this - "water" seems to be an underlying theme thus far on the trip. how to avoid it for the most part. how not to get stuck in dirt that's been mixed with it. how to break camp very quickly so that you and the tent don't get wet; very helpful especially when the temperature at time of said rainfall is 42. that said, people have been telling me i'm bringing the sunshine with me. other than the close encounter in south dakota that one evening, the days were beautiful. ditto oklahoma, kansas and nebraska and, even though i had to break camp at the 2nd campsite in nebraska before the crack of dawn to avoid a rainstorm, i got ahead of it and went in a different direction than the storm did. knock wood, i've been so very fortunate, weather wise. it didn't rain the two days i was at devil's tower even though it was forecast to do so. it hit at 5 this morning and, let me tell you, i have learned to take that tent down in record time. but i got 3 amazing hikes in while there - despite the 5 million people in the parking lot, i only saw 3 other people on my first hike and all 3 of them were together and they were going in the opposite direction. on my second hike i only saw one other person and i saw him twice - he did the same thing i did - started at one trailhead, got to the finish, then went back the other way. only the fool was running - with those barefoot "shoes." i felt great just being able to walk the darn trail - i can't believe he ran it without stopping. the other 4,999,995 people must have stayed in the ampitheater area or at prairie dog town. on my third hike i didn't see one other person. it was so beautiful - i don't know how i got so lucky that no one else was out there. there were other people camping out but i guess they didn't like to hike.

the first evening when i arrived i set up my tent, went for a short walk and was sitting by my tent reading. this park ranger came by and asked me if i'd be interested in doing a short walk under the tower that evening as it was going to be a full moon. i guess i looked at him a little funny because he quickly added, "it's sponsored by the Park. there's a group of 30." i told him that would be great and he told me where to meet them. i was the 1st one there and for a short while thought maybe i'd misunderstood him as to where to meet. then other cars started driving up. well, as it turns out, this full moon in june tower walk is a big deal. they supposedly limit the group to 30. one woman was so excited - she apparently made her reservation a year ago and planned their entire vacation around the full moon walk. other people also had had reservations for months. i was blown away by my good fortune. and, as it turned out, there were 34 of us.

the ranger (john) was so great - and he really knew his native american history, too. i was so glad he was sharing that information with people - he knew all the native names for "devil's tower" and said them. there were a few teens and younger folks on the walk and i was especially glad they got to hear his stories. before we started out, he asked for a volunteer to stay at the back of the pack so he didn't lose anyone and a woman named sherry volunteered. i think she was a school teacher or coach and she said she was used to bringing up the rear. then he said he needed a volunteer to help him lead at one point as he needed to block a certain area so no one walked off the cliff. no one volunteered so john volunteered me. i started to say, 'no, really. you don't want me to be that person.' but i didn't have my cell phone to call any one of a number of friends who would have helped me convince john i wasn't the right person for the job. so, i just said, "ok - but make sure you go the right way and don't have me fall over the cliff." for some reason, everyone thought that was very funny and under my breath i said, 'if you only knew.'

that said, the walk was amazing and the moon rise was spectacular. the sioux call the full moon in june the moon of ripening berries (although there are a million names for it besides). and it just so happened that earlier that day, there had been a full solar eclipse but we couldn't see it in north america but the photos from various space stations and observatories were incredible. apparently, because of all the ash from the various volcanoes currently erupting on a couple of continents, it appeared as deep, deep red. that's a lousy description of color but i've decided on this trip that there's just no way to describe some things.

if a picture paints a thousand words then i'd like to know what you're supposed to do when you can't even get a picture that does something justice. that's how i feel about every photo i've taken so far. and if texas is the lone star state and illinois is the show me state and florida is the sunshine state then i want to know why wyoming isn't the 'OMG did you see that stop the car again' state. that's how i felt a lot of the time in alaska, too, but i had no idea that wyoming had the range it does. some of it looks like the grand canyon (go figure), part like a snow-skiiers dream come true as well as a hikers, the rivers and lakes were amazing but that brings me back to water. something i had always respected but gained a whole new level of respect for in south dakota. so much respect, in fact, that i cancelled my campsite for tonight after seeing the "creek" rushing by it. earlier in the day, i stopped at the national forest service's office in buffalo (WY). they were extremely helpful and gave me all kinds of maps that i can't read but can give to cj, should he be interested. the woman ranger said to me, 'you're the second woman this week who's stopped in here doing a solo trip with no real plans. i'm envious.' i almost asked her if she wanted to come along - almost being the operative word. anyway, she asked me if i knew highway 14 was closed. if i hadn't realized the 2nd day of my trip not to be disappointed when my very loose plans came undone, i would have really been disappointed today. 14 is the only "connection" to several places i wanted to go. instead i just said, 'no, what happened?' landslide - then she showed me a photo. it just happened day before yesterday. then she said, 'in fact, Forest Service Roads 19, 20 and 21 are the only ones that are for sure open and ok.' she recommended Road 20 - circle ridge of cloud peak. i told her that cloud peak was one of the places i had been hoping to get to off of Hwy 14 so the circle ridge hike sounded like the next best thing. then i asked her why those were the only ones open and she said, 'snow and snow melt.' i said, "oh," like i knew what i was talking about. then she said, 'let me suggest that before you camp out anywhere tonight, you check on the water levels around the area. and when you get to the town of ten sleep (cross my heart) ask them at the gas station about the condition of the back roads.

so, i got to FSR 20 and pulled in. a USFS truck was coming out as i went in but, other than that, there was no one in this whole entire site. there was a camper near the turn off for the trailhead but no one was in it or around it. i'd asked the ranger back in buffalo if there was anything i needed to be mindful of (besides my own backside) and she said that from time to time elk have been seen and that maybe 2 or 3 times in the last five years black bear had been spotted but that neither one were really anything to be worried about. when i got to the area and didn't see one other soul, i really had to talk myself into doing it but i had done all the right things in stopping at the ranger station, asking the right questions, having the right "gear" and i really, really, really wanted to do this hike; especially if it was as close as i was going to get to cloud peak.

i had 3 layers of clothing on (thanks to cj i got the right kind of clothing at REI as opposed to the "cotton kills" items i had packed prior to the advise as to the right kind of clothing -- who knew?) and i tied my heavy duty fleece jacket around my waist. i wore my warmest socks and my hiking boots. had my REI rain jacket in my backpack along with plenty of water, my wallet, car keys, camera, and hanes. i also had the walking stick my kiddos made for me back in 1997. it was an a$$-saver - no joke. i never had to put on the fleece jacket although i came close at one point but i also came close to taking off the 3rd layer at one point so i guess things evened out. i did, however, wear shorts. i hate long pants and my legs almost always stay warm anyway - i guess they get the most work out on the hikes -- besides my mouth, of course. if i say "oh my god" one more time today i think even god's going to get sick of me. i don't know what i'm going to do in my future (who does?) and i know that all i really have is this very moment and those that have come before but today's hike was absolutely the coolest thing - even if i never do anything like it again. then thinking about the hikes and overnights that led up to it, i just can't even believe it's me sometimes. it was like walking in heaven on earth. literally took my breath away at times and i know the photos that i got - even the ones with my camera (which is still in the car) and not my phone don't even begin to do it justice. so, after those 2 1/2 hours (with no critter sightings other than birds), i headed toward where i hoped to camp tonight - medicine lodge campsite. sure enough, the ranger in buffalo was right - almost every other road into a campsite or trailhead was closed. when i got to ten sleep (which was a very cool little town in which i could live happily ever after by the way), i asked the gal at the gas station if the back roads were in good condition. she looked at me and said, 'what do you mean?' i told her the ranger in buffalo told me i should ask before taking them given the snow melt and all. she said, 'well, the creeks and rivers are up a bit but i don't see why you can't take the county roads.' i thanked her and, having learned my lesson in south dakota, took the long way around to medicine lodge and i was glad i did. i was sitting too comfortable even on the paved roads and, when i got to the campsite i had prepared myself to find no one there and to turn around but, no, all of the campsites were full as was the "creek." i wanted to make a megaphone out of cardboard and yell "are you all out of your ever lovin' minds?" but i didn't. i just visited as much of the pictograph and archaeological dig site as i was comfortable doing so that i could get out of there, and over the 5 or 6 other "creeks" i had passed on my way in that seemed about to burst. if there had been even one rain cloud in the sky - instead of the 70 degree gorgeous sky that we had - i wouldn't have even gone into the park/camp/ forest/ whatever. i think the brown signs mean national and green signs mean state.

i kept driving until i passed the turn off for 14 as 14A is supposed to be just fine and i figured that, if i passed 14, i was above the problem area(s). here's hoping that logic pays off and tomorrow i can take 14A over to medicine wheel (not to be confused with medicine lodge) and then up to billings where i'm going to get to spend the night with one of my cousins and his family AND get to see him in a play in which he's performing. due to all of the above, i got myself a room tonight in a little motel (hang on, i hear a siren) . . . back now, apparently a test. i swear, between the tests and the real thing how is anyone from out of state ever supposed to know what the hell is going on? especially when dealing with foreign affairs such as snow melt and landslides and the like in JUNE??? anyway, i got a motel room so i could hang up my tent bits to dry and take a real bath and hopefully get a good night's sleep. i can't do a major hike tomorrow because i need to clean up and be presentable tomorrow evening but i've done 4 major ones (for me) in 3 days so skipping a day won't be a problem -- there's just so much to do and see i'm like a kid in a candy shop; i want one of everything, please.

i know i've left out a few days in here - the "rainbow" day when i was driving through custer state park and turned the wrong way out of the parking lot at the summit and found myself in the middle of a rainbow. one of those moments when neither a picture nor a thousand words would even come close. also spearfish canyon and bridal veil falls and almost getting stuck in the mud on the pineridge reservation when i went to visit wounded knee and manderson and pine ridge.

so, i'm trying to be very smart - checking in at ranger stations everywhere i go or finding out where the nearest one is and checking in (by the way - for anyone else who is ignorant like me of some of these affairs, if you hike in a national forest (at least the semi-remote ones), you have to fill out a registration form. you leave one in a box at the trailhead and keep the other one on your person. don't think i don't know why - just thought i'd let anyone else who didn't know that, know.) i am proud to say, i have MY copy of the registration form for the cloud peak hike in with my "important papers" and i am damn sure going to put it in my baby book when i get home.

signing off and knowing there is so much more. thanks for the emails, the text messages, the calls - reception has been terrible (or good - depending upon how you want to look at it). i have taken a friend or two's suggestion and am letting cory know where i am every night and, if doing a hike in a remote area also letting him know that; of course, those are generally in areas where there's "no service" so he would only get the communication after the fact. interestingly enough, when i was on my 2nd hike at devil's tower, my phone was dead. red bar. zip. then, all of a sudden, my phone rings and it was nowell. i remembered that ranger john had told us the night before that the tower is mostly comprised of phonolite (sp?) and it's properties (think richard dreyfuss and mashed potatoes and thomas edison and alexander graham bell and all that good stuff) . . . anyway, nowell and i talked for almost 20 minutes and the phone didn't die or fade out or have static . . . nothing. after we hung up, i looked at it a few times and it said it had no battery but i called my mom and it worked just perfectly and then my daughter called and it worked perfectly and then i got to my campsite and it was dead as a doorknob. very cool i thought.

i'll leave you with this question i heard from a waitress at a cafe in spearfish, sd. what do the letters "O.K." stand for?

on second thought i'll leave you with this - i totally forgot to mention the hike up and down bear butte. 1,000 foot climb/ 2 miles - so spectacular and sacred. saw no one on the way up, was joined at the summit by a man and his daughter who, i wish, had read up on some of the history of the place before making the trip but i'm trying to be less judgmental so i'll leave it at that. saw a few folks coming up as i was going down - i believe they were of american indian decent and were probably headed up for sacred purposes as it was nearing sundown. near enough that they could get down before dark. the prayer flags and offerings up and down the mountain were so beautiful.

really, that's all for now and i'm too tired to put the photos with the right paragraph. i bet you can connect the dots.

alive and well in lemmon, SD

2011-06-12T21:27:00.014-05:00

and i do not say that lightly. it's hard to believe that everything that happened today happened in just one day.

it started out early - a woman i met at the grand river museum a few days ago and who learned i'd first heard of lemmon, SD in any real context when i read kathleen norris' book "dakota" back in 1996, invited me to church. the church where kathleen had stepped in as minister for a while (when she was still in lemmon). i told her i had thought about going by the church at some point (assuming it was the presbyterian church IN lemmon) and she told me that if i was thinking about going by the one IN lemmon, that that wasn't the one where kathleen had spent her time. the one she mentions in her book is east of here; ESE to be more exact. down not just one but 3 dirt roads with two other dirt roads in between - none of them marked. she drew me a little map and despite having made a wrong turn at the 2nd dirt road, realized the error of my ways and backtracked in time to be one of the first people of 12 to arrive. imagine my surprise when i arrived and saw this in front of the little chapel.

the people at the service were incredibly kind - none of them seemed the least bit phased when i responded honestly to their question of "what in the world brought you to SD much less to lemmon or this little church?" maybe they were just being polite but they seemed really genuine. and one man laughed until he had tears in his eyes when i told him about the walk in area signage and my wondering why i couldn't walk in with a loaded camera instead of a shotgun. he told me i could come to their place any time and walk the property. i thought perhaps i might just do that tomorrow morning as i was leaving lemmon and headed back to SSW SD.

after the services, i took off in the direction of mobridge so i could complete the NNE arc i'd mapped out. i was so blessed in that when i got to the memorial for sitting bull, no one else was there. the only thing with a heart beat anywhere near me was a herd of horses. then, all of a sudden, a really strong wind came up and the grasses and water on the river and everything in between started moving in all different directions. it really was something to behold. i don't know how long i sat there - it didn't seem that long - but then i heard another car drive up so i headed out. when i got back to the car, the clock indicated i'd been there almost an hour - it didn't feel that way.

from there, i went into mobridge and to the klein museum at the recommendation of a friend of mine who was raised there. he only learned that i was going to lemmon a few days before i was leaving and he gave me some of the greatest recommendations. not just of places i'd probably not want to miss but the routes to take to them and, he was right, it does make a difference. having been to one of the places now from two different directions (one of the times in error) i can say he really knows his SD.

from mobridge, i started out on the route i'd mapped out. the only thing i had to decide was whether to head north off of 20 at isabel (paved road 65 would have taken me back to 12 and although 65 would have been a new road, a good bit of 12 would have been a repeat) or to head north at glad valley on a county road/ dirt road. in SD, some county roads/ back roads are on the map as dotted lines; others aren't on the map at all unless you happen to have a county map which i did not. before i had to make this big decision, i was finally able to take a really good hike that was just a bit out of the way at a place called little moreau. once again, there was only one other person there and i hadn't been able to find any information about the place and there were no park rangers but i decided i was going for it. the trailheads all seemed overgrown but i threw on my hiking boots, made sure i had plenty of water in my pack and headed out. the first trail was a dead end into a small river or creek; the second trail was a dead end into a barbed wire fence but it was uphill a good distance so i not only got to work my muscles for the first time in a few days but had an incredible view from the top even though i had to turn around and go back down the hill. from there i walked around the lake (a much smaller lake than at ogallala) but it was so nice. not as long as i would have liked but that turned out to be a very, very good thing.

when i got back on 20 and hit isabel i decided to push on to glad valley and take the back roads. i'd taken the back roads every other day and, with my little compass on my dashboard, knew at least in what general direction i was going (most of the time). so i head north on the dotted line at glad valley. 'wait wait don't tell me' is on the radio followed by a program that was even funnier than 'wait wait' and i was laughing so hard. then i realized i had passed a dirt road that turned off to the right, looked at the map and my compass and decided i needed to turn around and go back to that road. a short while later, the radio goes dead. i've never had that happen before but there was nothing i could do about it so, other than being disappointed, it was no big deal. then this siren came over the radio (thank louie i didn't turn the radio off). the siren was intermittent so i thought "i sure am glad i ran into that guy in lemmon who told me the intermittent sirens are only a drill" when, as if she heard me, this woman comes on after the siren and says, "this is not a drill. this is a severe weather alert from the national weather service for south dakota." i'm thinking 'you cannot be serious' but i looked around and didn't see anything that looked all that bad. then she says, "the following areas can expect severe thunderstorms, golf-ball-sized hail, deadly (i swear she used that word) lightning and possible flash flooding. GLAD VALLEY (again, i swear, cross my heart), FAITH, LEMMON, PHILIP, IRON LIGHTNING and EAGLE BUTTE. if you are in that area, seek immediate shelter and, if low lying areas or areas prone to flooding, be aware of the potential for flash flooding." well, telling someone on a back road in south dakota to find shelter is like telling a mosquito to go land on the moon. now.

i started going a little faster while scanning the landscape for possible shelter. as it turned out, i was in one of the more cavernous/ butte laden areas which i originally thought was great because, if i had to, i could go hunker down in one of the caves. then i remembered my rattlesnake discussion with the woman in ludlow and decided i would take a tornado over a snake bite. then i remember my friend paula saying "just be careful when water's involved. i don't like bad weather that involves water" (or something close to that) so then - realizing that i am on a very low lying red dirt road at the bottom of all these buttes and caverns and open land - that i now have three possible choices if worse comes to worst - a possible close encounter with a rattlesnake, a possible close encounter with hail at best - a tornado at worst, or a flash flood.

being from texas i absolutely respect the weather and do not mess around but i also don't freak out. i may freak out about other things but i try to keep my head when the weather is involved and i'm pretty good in a crisis - when it involves someone else. after all, that was my job for umpteen million years.

the dirt road suddenly veered left and there, right in front of me was a sign that said "open range" and i had a close encounter of the 1st kind with a few of the open rangers. i rolled down my window and said, "don't you know you're supposed to be laying down? you don't get up until the rain has STOPPED!" she just looked at me and rolled her eyes. i mumbled something about the cows in texas being much smarter but then realized i had no room to talk and checked out the sky again.

at that point i told myself i REALLY needed to get a move on and that's when this beautiful, incredible, amazing landscape turned into a salvador dali painting - live and in technicolor. first, i passed a sign that said something like 'warning: low lying roads/ flash floods may occur' then - i swear to all that is good and holy - i ran over a rattlesnake. then as i came over a rise, i hit a patch of the road that they were obviously getting ready to raze but had, thus far, only put the gravel in the middle of the road and along the sides . . . that or they'd recently graded the "road" and the pickup trucks and tractors had already left their imprint so my little prius basically bottomed out in the center. after a few words that i was glad no one was around to hear, i realized that i'd only hit a rough patch and that i could get back to the center of the road which, by now, seemed absolutely positively endless. then i saw a ranch on the right and i thought, you may just have to go knock on the door but there were no cars, trucks or other vehicles by the house so i kept going and veered left after seeing a sign that said, "low water crossing" and, lo and behold, the friggin' creek or river or whatever it was was actually over the road already and it wasn't even raining. if it had been a concrete road i would have considered attempting it but it was mud, with big mud ruts on either side of the "road" over which the creek was running. i know i use the expression "god willing and the creek don't rise" fairly often but this time the creek did rise and i was not going to risk it. i sat there for a moment and looked up at the sky and said, "i can't believe this is really happening. i am in the middle of absolutely nowhere in the middle of this particularly uncomfortable situation and i literally have to turn around - in the middle of nowhere to head back to god only knows where in the middle of nowhere." i looked again at the campbell ranch as i passed it but, still, no one was home.

somehow, the road had quadrupled in length since i had first driven down it . . . i checked the 'bad patch' in the road and had not dropped my muffler when i bottomed out . . . the rattlesnake was still dead . . . and then i saw a white SUV coming down the road. they waved and started to pass when i stuck my head out my window and waved both arms. they stopped, rolled down the window and i said, "sorry to bother you but, i'm not from around here and, while i'm used to taking back roads, i'm not familiar with these and would appreciate some direction seeing as how we're UNDER A TORNADO WARNING." the man (who must have been mr. campbell) was driving and he and his wife were the epitome of a beautiful, young, perfectly groomed (from hat to silver collar tabs) ranching couple. mrs. campbell leaned over without her hat tipping the least little bit (i swear she looked just like jane seymour on whatever that western show she was in was) and said, "it's ok, just turn around and follow us. just past our place there's a low water crossing but you can make it. we made it this morning in this (SUV) - didn't even have to use the truck." i started to say "are you out of your ever loving mind?" when she added, "then again, there is a pretty big rut now - maybe you would be smarter to head back and go right at the T." i asked her if that would take me back to 73 and she seemed very impressed that i knew where i was in the middle of no where and said, "yes - it's longer than if you crossed the river but that's exactly where it will take you." i thanked them and said "just want to play it safe with this TORNADO WARNING and all." it wasn't 2-3 minutes before i saw a 4-wheeling ranch version of a golf cart headed toward me with four teen-aged boys on it who waved wildly at me and smiled. and they were followed by a couple of men my age in a pickup truck. i guess the campbell's were having a party and i wish they'd invited me; in fact i seriously considered crashing their party . . .
a little while later, as the road got longer and longer and the sky got more and more ominous, i thought "i bet mrs. campbell is thinking about now that they should have invited me to the ranch until the storm let up." i'll never know but the siren lady came on again and things were getting pretty bad and i hadn't even gotten to the turn off for 73 yet. but siren lady said the storm was moving at 60 mph so i decided i needed to go at least 10 mph faster than that when, for the first time EVER since i've been travelling the SD backroads, there was a speed limit sign. in the middle of nowhere. and it suggested the speed limit might be 55. i said "screw that" and continued at 70 not caring if i lost a muffler, blew a tire or anything else and, on some level, HOPING i might be stopped. unless they've deputized cattle, pheasants, rattlesnakes, meadowlarks, deer, horses or field mice, there was no chance in hell of that happening.

finally i came to 73 (which by many peoples' standards is also a back road - just paved) and turned north. the 13 miles to lemmon were the longest 13 miles i have ever driven. in fact, i'm not sure they have measured the mileage correctly. i have seen storms. i have seen bad storms. i have seen really bad storms. i have even been in two different homes when two different tornadoes passed nearby and in three homes through hurricanes. this beat all of them hands down. by now i was driving and looking over my left shoulder and seeing things i'd never even dreamed of. at one point, 3 lightning strikes occurred simultaneously and they were the mirror reflection of one another - just like in a cartoon only i wasn't laughing. i was in awe but i wasn't laughing. and, i swear, somewhere in the 15+ lightning strikes that i counted i said, 'thank god this isn't happening in arizona, new mexico or texas -- the whole state would go up in flames.' then, of course, i had a little mental debate going on about whether there would be enough water to negate any repercussions from the lightning when, on the left hand side of the road i noticed a motor boat by the side of the road with a "for sale" sign on it. i wondered for a moment if that might be a good option but decided that making it to lemmon would be much smarter and, besides, if it was my time, it was my time.

i have never been so glad to see a city limit sign before in my life. i was parked and in the lodge in less than 2 minutes. i did have another very brief mental debate as to whether i should park on the "petrified forest" sign that is actually made out of petrified wood side of the lodge, or at the back near the mobile home / office that is just behind the lodge or on the side of the lodge that was most protected but directly under the power lines. i decided on the petrified forest sign side - if it was petrified, it had clearly weathered some other bad storms in this part.

when i came inside i said, 'catherine - are you aware there's a severe thunderstorm warning with what looks like a tornado coming our way?' has everyone evacuated? there are only two cars besides mine. she said they had just gotten their electricity back on and that the lodge was half full but only two other guests had arrived for the evening. i said 'well, good luck to the other half even getting here.' she laughed and told me to be safe. by the time i got to my room it was absolutely black outside and the wind was close to the "train" sound. i went into the hallway and closed all the doors to the stairwells and other open doors. closed the shades, pulled down the curtains then did the same thing in my room.

knowing that a few of my friends are tracking my weather (bless their cotton socks) and since there was no internet connection, i tried to post something to FB from my phone but FB was having none of it. then the power went out. then it came back on. then i heard a train. then i took my pulse. then the power went off and stayed off. then catherine came and knocked on the door. she said, "what do you think?" i said i thought we were at least on the fringe of a tornado and told her that i'd closed the doors and blinds, etc. and she said, "good thinking." then she suggested i come to the lobby rather than stay in my room but followed quickly with "but it's up to you; whatever you want to do." i said that unless there was a basement, it really didn't matter all that much. if it got much worse, weather wise, it was either our time or it wasn't. she said, 'you got that right.'

it's now almost midnight at which point the warning is to be terminated. the storm has long passed us now and the adrenaline is out of my system. the latest radar shows the storm right over mobridge and sitting bull.

i'm going to wait until morning to see if the car is still where i parked it and if there are any houses in the middle of the road with feet with striped stockings and ruby slippers sticking out. if all's good i'll be taking the MAIN back roads (a/k/a paved ones that are solid lines on the map) down to manderson and then points north and west.

this is one day i will never forget although it still doesn't quite feel real. i'm very grateful to be safe and sound and i hope the other travelers i passed going in the opposite direction are safe and sound, too. my friend chris was so right about checking the weather regularly only she had suggested i stop in a truck stop once a day to see what was up -- that they REALLY know what's going on. the problem is, there are no truck stops in rural SD. and i haven't been able to find a ms. siren-lady weather station. i'm going to see if there's a better app for that tomorrow - i thought i had one from NOAA but it obviously isn't doing its job.

hanes is SO glad this day is over.

postcard 11 june

2011-06-11T19:49:00.008-05:00

tonight and tomorrow night with electricity then hopefully back to the camping. one thing i've learned is that south dakota isn't so hot with their signage -- a bit of a problem when you're dealing with someone who's not so hot with maps to begin with. still, just across the invisible line that separates south and north dakota, they clearly have someone who understands signage. thunder hawk is buried just off of highway 12, south of morristown (in south dakota). it is supposedly well marked. if so, i have either totally lost it or someone's walked off with the marker. it was no where to be found. i found the town of thunder hawk - or once-upon-a-time town; there is now a marker that says "1907 - 2007 / last business closed." the school is boarded up as is almost everything else in the two block area. the playground (with old fashioned wooden see-saws) looks like the children just ran off one day and never came back. i suppose some of the ranches in the area may still have an address of thunder hawk, sd but the town is deserted. the only marker or dedication of any kind that i found even remotely near the area was a veteran's cemetery for the sioux. these were sioux who had been killed in WW I or II or Vietnam. but the gate was locked tight.

another differentiating factor between the south and north dakota signage is that north dakota, apparently, changes their signage at each vehicular crossing into ND while SD uses the same signage over and over. i suppose that's more economical but i kind of like the variety myself.

today i travelled the 50 mile arc N/NE of lemmon. spectacularly beautiful as was the W/ NW arc but still no where to hike. even the two areas on the national geographic map with the indicators for hiking trails were non-existent. not the areas, the hiking trails. pretty rock wildlife refuge has a lovely sign - but no entrance. ditto cedar park. so i'm trying not to get too worked up about it - i should be able to hike all i want starting monday when i head south. there are so many hiking trails, campsites, etc. on the map that they overlap so i'm hoping for some pretty good odds.

when i was out exploring yesterday, i noticed a sign on one of the fence posts that read "walk in area. please be respectful of the land and landowners." i thought how cool - just like great britain where you can (for the most part) park and walk just about anywhere. still, i thought i better ask before doing so. it was another 40 miles before i came to anything resembling a town and a general store/ gas station/ restaurant. it was in ludlow, sd - population 7. there are 16 "kids" at the school but the ones that aren't residents of ludlow proper come from the surrounding ranches. i could tell you a lot more about ludlow and the great lady who owns the general store/ gas station/ restaurant but you really had to have been there. i wish i'd taken a photo of the place - it was amazing. i just hope she never has to move. anyway, i asked her about the signs and did it really mean that anyone could go on the property. she said absolutely. i said "cool." she said, "but it's not hunting season now." i said, "hunting season?" she said, "yeah - that's when you can do it but not now." i said, "what if i want to shoot with a camera instead of a gun?" she had to think on that one but advised me to go to the closest ranch house and ask them if they'd mind my walking their property. she said everyone in that part of SD was so nice she was sure they wouldn't mind. i said, 'so, if i want to walk on your property with a loaded gun during hunting season it's ok but walking on your property empty handed (so to speak) is not ok.' she said she guessed that was the case but that no one had ever asked that question before. she said she never heard of anyone just wanting to walk the land. i was dumbfounded. then she said that if i did ask and went for a hike to look out for rattlesnakes. we then had a conversation about rattlesnakes (something i'd read up on before heading out on my trip) during which she told me that as long as i put ice on it right away (if i got bit), i would be ok until help came. how she thought i'd be able to pack in ice on a day hike, i'm not sure. then she also told me that if i heard one to figure out where it was and be as still as possible and, once i located it, to head away from it - that they weren't really aggressive, just protective. then she said BUT, if the rattler is already in striking position, stay as still as a statue and don't make any sudden moves until it knew i wasn't aggressive and it "backed off." like my having a heart attack if that happened wouldn't be mistaken for a sudden move. then she showed me her collection of rattles above her cash register. she asked if i knew you could tell the age of a rattlesnake by its rattles. i told her i did not know that but that i guessed no one got close enough to find out unless they first killed the rattlesnake. she said that was true. then she tried to reassure me by telling me that people could survive rattlesnake bites nowadays - the trick was just to get help quickly. i asked her how she thought i might be able to get help quickly if i took off on one of those buttes with a camera instead of a shot gun and she agreed i had a good point. there really isn't anything like life flight out this way and even a fire truck or ambulance at 70 mph wouldn't get there in time. i suppose my last photo would be blurred from me falling backward with rattlesnake fangs coming toward the camera. that is if anyone ever found me - the buzzards are as numerous here as they are in texas; only these have water to drink.

which brings me to another point - if we can "pipe" oil from alaska to the lower 48, why can't we pipe water from north and south dakota (and other places that are flooding) to the states that are on fire? i know that water is piped into las vegas and phoenix - seeing as they have none naturally - but, really, why can't this be done? i have found several ways to make money on this trip. a) open a gas station anywhere within a 50 mile radius of lemmon; b) open a cafe anywhere within a 50 mile radius of lemmon; c) sell maps to lost tourists on any of a number of country roads (or put markers with a "you are here" dot on a map of the dakotas). i'm used to country roads in texas and i'm used to long long roads that seem endless but i'm NOT used to country roads that seem endless and are immaculately groomed clay or dirt. i don't know if you can see in this photo just how far into the horizon this clay road goes but that's not even the tip of the iceberg. 45 miles - from where i started clocking it; d) open even a teensy weensy part of a ranch for hikers and, if you really really want to make a LOT of money, e) find a way to drain off the surplus water from the areas that are flooding and get it to texas, new mexico and arizona (among other places). there are fields of baled hay here that are waist-deep in water. if it doesn't dry up soon, the hay will mold and rot, and they sure can't get onto the fields to get it out unless they have an inland tug boat with a massive hydraulic lift.

i also decided today that if there were a way to fence in the sky, these ranchers would no doubt have their barbed-wire and deeds in a heartbeat. i don't understand it. i never have. i guess i never will. yet they are some of the nicest, down-to-earth (their earth) people i've ever met. i still think the american indians (north, south and central) had the right idea about it all.

one thing i've learned from my travels is that we can too soon and too often forget how beautiful an area is. when i was in alaska the first time, driving with a friend from anchorage to palmer, i literally had tears in my eyes and my jaw on the floor the entire trip. my friend finally asked me what was wrong. i think i said something like "wrong? there's nothing wrong - everything is just so beautiful it's overwhelming." they said something to the effect of 'i guess you're right. it's funny how when you live here it just gets to be a neutral part of your daily existence.'

in nebraska, i said something to the park ranger in ogallala in response to their asking how i was enjoying my stay. i said 'unbelievable.' they said "what? is everything ok?" my response was similar to the one i gave my friend in alaska and the park ranger's was similar to my friend's. ditto here in south dakota. a woman at one of my stopping points said, "i guess it is pretty beautiful - in fact, i guess that's why we moved here in the first place. i've just gotten used to it." i suppose i must take too much for granted around austin, too. it is still beautiful there but it's changed so much. i remember when you could drive to 2222 and what is now 360 and think you were at the edge of civilization - or what we call civilization. now the hillsides are covered with homes and two lane dirt roads are now 4 lane (some soon to be 6 lane) highways. favorite spots that we'd go to on the river or lake that were marked by stacked stones or a piece of ribbon now have official state park signage . . . i know, it's progress. i suppose there's a fine balance in there somewhere. and i know i sound like my mom and my grandad when they described an area to me from when they were young. at least i didn't have to walk 5 miles to school in the snow. uphill. and back home again.

hanes didn't want to get out of the car today - it was so windy he thought he'd blow away and he was none too happy that he was photographed being held by yours truly. c'est la vie. have to have my photos of my traveling genomey. and perhaps the best 'george washington hair' yet.

p.s. read the book "indian givers" by weatherford if you haven't already. it's not about what you might think and it's a 'must read' just like "1491"

postcard 10 june

2011-06-10T22:23:00.011-05:00

today i traveled in a west north west arc from lemmon. tomorrow i hope to do a north north east arc followed by an east south east arc on sunday. then monday head back to SW south dakota and NW nebraska for a few days. so much of what i want to do next is there and in wyoming and montana. i also need to get a good hike in tomorrow but there's a wildlife preserve in the area i've scoped out so hopefully it will fit in nicely. and i also hope it warms up some. i'd been told the heat here could be oppressive although cool in the evenings. thus far it's barely made it above 55 since i hit the dakotas.

i had my first experience of the prius having to kick into hybrid form today. note to self: if you move to the dakotas, buy a gas can. i literally coasted into lemmon from thunder hawk this evening. gas stations are few and very far between. they are also multi-purpose once you find them. this evening i did laundry at the conoco/ video store/ laundromat. then when i got back to the lodge, i found out they have a guest laundry room. oh well, i enjoyed the 45 minutes at the laundromat and it gave me a chance to air out the tent (which i've learned could also serve as a cover for the prius should that ever be needed for any reason).

if you're reading this, you probably know where i first heard about lemmon. today i actually went by her home (even though she rarely comes here anymore - or so i'm told). it was so cool to be standing in front of the house where she actually wrote the book that was such a turning point for me. and she, like everyone else in lemmon and surrounds, has lilac bushes (more like trees) growing everywhere. one piece of acreage i went by on my way down to thunder hawk from points north had an entire hedge of lilac around the perimeter of their property. we are talking acres and acres. it was something else.

as i set out today, my first stop was the chamber of commerce. they're apparently only open on the 2nd and 3rd tuesdays from noon until 1:00 p.m. in a leap year and 1st and 4th wednesdays from 9-10 a.m. in the years the groundhog sees its shadow. where the two things happen in the same year, they remain closed. it was a blessing in disguise that they were closed as it caused me to go to the city of lemmon offices where two young women were amazingly helpful. one of their tips was to send me to a certain museum nearby as they had a lot of history on lemmon and surrounding areas.

the museum was started by a couple who found dinosaur bones on their ranch and, from there, had others who had items to contribute - both of a dinosaur nature but of more interest to me - lakota sioux. the woman asked me what brought me to lemmon and i told her. she asked if i knew that kathleen had actually attended and sometimes subbed for the pastor at their church during the time she lived here. i told her i knew she had done that but hadn't yet found the presbyterian church in town. she told me it wasn't the presbyterian church in lemmon but one out in the country where she'd been involved. i asked her the name of it and she told me "hope presbyterian."

i've been working (and procrastinating) on a book entitled "hope" for quite a few years. my plan was to go to every town by the name of hope or new hope or hopeville in every state where one existed. i've only got about 15 of them down but i had commented to a friend yesterday that i was disappointed there wasn't a "hope, SD." maybe this is the one i was supposed to find here. so, i may find myself going to a presbyterian service on sunday with the founders of the local museum and, who knows . . . maybe i'll even end up digging for some dinosaur bones which they are still finding. they've even got anthropologists and other scientific personnel from a fairly close by university working with them. it was fascinating and it brought to mind how much my boys loved dinosaurs when they were younger and how cool it would have been to be able to take them to a place like this then.

i also learned who was responsible for the majority of the barbed wire property in south dakota - he was apparently, at one point, responsible for the most barbed wire property in the world - and that's a quote. as i'm currently a guest in this town, i won't interject too much else other than it seemed ironic to have a museum that grew beyond dinosaurs into the history of this individual and their family in the same building with the individuals to whom that land rightfully belonged - IMHO.

as i started out on my drive today, the sky was literally something i'd never experienced before. every possible type of cloud formation and color possible - other than green and a tornadic vortex - appeared simultaneously. these photos don't do it justice. it was awe-some and, i must admit, something i kept looking at for signs that might make me take cover. which reminds me, when i was having dinner last night; an actual sit-down-at-a-restaurant dinner; i heard a siren as i was leaving. not like an ambulance or fire truck or anything i'd ever heard before. no one seemed to notice or flinch but me. i walked out onto the sidewalk and stopped this man who was walking by and said, "excuse me but what is that siren? is there a tornado?" he said, "no, that's just the weekly thursday drill. if it were a real tornado, the siren would sound like that but it wouldn't have any pauses. the pauses mean it's just a drill." i said, "good to know" and thanked him as he headed off toward the originating point of the siren - i suppose to participate in the drill.

i'll leave you with a photo of the lemmon post office. one of the neatest post offices i've ever been in and, yes, i am something of a post office aficionado. i was surprised at how large it was for the size of lemmon but it has been preserved in wonderful condition. i hope to go back on monday before i leave during business hours so i can buy a few stamps from them. that's also something of which i'm quite fond - you'd be surprised what stamps you can get in a small town that you can't get elsewhere.

on sunday, i'm headed toward mobridge and the klein museum as well as the memorial to sitting bull. it worked out perfectly that they happen to be in that particular arc. . . i started with the west, moved north (tomorrow) then to the east on sunday. gladly, the museum is open on sunday. then monday i'll complete the arc (and then some) by head back south/ south west.

signing off now from one of the most amazing parts of the world i've ever been blessed to see first hand. i just wish we could find a way to get the surplus of water that is here down to arizona, new mexico and texas . . . there's got to be a way. seriously.

postcard cont'd

2011-06-09T22:37:00.005-05:00

i have arrived in lemmon, south dakota. even if i were to turn around tomorrow and come home, the trip thus far has already been amazing. truly.

i actually made it to THE niobrara river. something i'd only read about and dreamed about and i actually did it - i went there. and there. and there. and there. the niobrara could be called the snake (so could frenchman's creek) it weaves in and out of so much of nebraska. i was absolutely thrilled.

but first, after leaving oklahoma, i camped at lake ogallala state park. a former partner of mine used to tell me i lived in "la la land" - they forgot the "oga" part - if only i'd known. it's true they had to dam a beautiful river to create lake ogallala, as well as the larger lake mcconaughy, but that was done long before my time and i did my best to tread lightly. i did a 3 1/2 hour hike around the entire lake and some trails throughout the park. at one point (toward the end) i had to cross down to a gravel path then i came to a cattle guard and what appeared to be a locked gate. i was deciding whether or not i should hop the gate or walk back around (which would have made it closer to a 5 hour hike) when this truck drove up. the person driving the truck worked for the park's environmental biology group. he asked me if he could help me and i asked if it was ok for me to hop the gate. he said, "it's not locked - just looks like it is. lift the chain off the hook and then hook it back up again." i thanked him and he asked me if i'd walked the whole perimeter of the lake. i said i had and he said, "nice." that made me feel so good but not as good as actually taking the hike. i pitched my tent before the hike, thankfully, so all i had to do when i got back to camp was to take a shower then sit and read next to the lake. between that hike and the one the day before in OK, i got a little too much sun so the next day was to be a "drive" day. and drive i did but i didn't get all that far. whoever said everything is bigger, better and more beautiful in texas clearly hadn't been to nebraska. i couldn't get out of the state. last night i camped near the merritt state park on the actual snake river. there were only two other campers in the same area that i chose and it was unbelievable; unbelievable that such a place existed, unbelievable that there were only two other campsites taken (neither of which i could see from my area), unbelievable that i found the place and, last but not least, unbelievable that i was able to pitch my tent without reading the instructions for the first time!! this photo (which i hope stays to the right of this paragraph) was literally just outside my tent flap.

some time between midnight and 2:00 a.m., something woke me. at first i thought it was someone shining a flashlight into the tent (i kept the rain fly open to enjoy the view) but then i realized it was the moon. it was a half moon last night but i suppose, since there were no cities or even towns anywhere near this place, i could see the right half fully illuminated like a normal half moon but the left half was haloed in - like a circle in a powerpoint presentation where half of it is "grayed" out - then on either side, there were 3 little rainbows the same height as the moon. at first i thought it was just my eyes, then the webbing of the tent but even after unzipping the tent and stepping out, they were still there. i just lay there and watched it for what seemed to be ages and fell back asleep only to be awakened by rain. everything inside the tent stayed perfectly dry (thanks to the tarp cj gave me for under the tent and to the rain fly) and i went back to sleep for awhile. then i awoke again to the rain getting harder and my first thought was - no hike today and i'm in the best place yet. second thought was that i better break camp as soon as the rain let up for a few minutes. i got everything into my backpack and, although it seemed like quite a while, the break finally came. i put the backpack in the car, took the tent down, poles in their bag, stakes in their bag and then i just folded the tent and thermal pad and tarp and put them on the backseat with the rain fly on the inside. i hated to leave such a beautiful place and the hike that i'd mapped out the day before but things have a way of working out. i thought it was probably around 8 a.m. but when i looked at the clock - already out on the park road - it was 5:00 a.m. i could not believe it. i got lost trying to find the road i thought i wanted but ended up at the niobrara wilderness area. the ranger was just ahead of me opening the gates. the sign said open during daylight hours and it was - barely - but it was. i swear this is what the sunrise looked like. first like a planet, then like an eye but so incredibly beautiful. there's no way to post all the photos on here - when i get home i'll have to have kristen show me how to do the kodak gallery or something. cory's got all my downloads going to one place - i can't find it but that's probably a good thing. he's keeping them safe from me until he can supervise their safe permanent storage.

and there was the beautiful niobrara again. i am so grateful to the author jim harrison for his beautiful descriptions of the niobrara in his books that made me want to find it. i think i could have stayed in nebraska for weeks but finally crossed over into south dakota around noon. i ended up on a dirt road somehow - for 16 miles - and finally came out on the NW corner of the rosebud reservation. and, although i was going to do a portion of the bad lands on a separate part of my trip while here in the dakotas, i ended up going into the badlands on a gravel road. i think, relative to our treatment of the human beings who were here when our forefathers arrived, the only thing that now makes me more sad than the treatment itself was seeing just what we took from them. i can understand - or empathize - with those who described being taken from their land as having their spirit broken. and photos can't do the place justice.

when i first moved to austin, cory gave me a sock monkey - i named him hanes. he is with me on this trip. cory majored in molecular biology so i kid that he (hanes) is like my traveling genome. beats the travelocity gnome by a long shot.

he's been in some of the best shots of the trip.

tonight, lemmon south dakota and i'm trading the tent for a bed in a lodge tonight. if it weren't raining and 40 degrees and i weren't so tired, i might have given it a shot any way but, as kurt vonnegut liked to say, so it goes.

great bend, KS

2011-06-06T11:20:00.011-05:00

so, i've made it all the way to great bend, kansas. went all of 300 miles yesterday as my friend mary told me about a state park in oklahoma that i had to check out on my way to KS. it was wonderful and i ended up hiking for 3 hours along, into and on top of a gypsum canyon (also a little dolomite and shale in there if i'm not mistaken). i didn't see one other person until about 30 minutes from the end of my hike and that was a mountain biker - also about my age. what a little paradise! the first place i thought i was going to camp for the night i had to nix - it was a lovely little lake/ state park in KS but there was no one - i mean not one other soul - at the park. the only sign of the past presence of anyone were several empty 12 packs of coor's beer so i decided that probably wasn't the best place to camp. the next option didn't work out either so i ended up spending the night at an RV/ Campsite near pratt, KS. it wasn't where i thought i'd be but it worked and, as it was getting to be dark by that point, i thought it the best option. i didn't think i had any expectations for the trip other than getting to lemmon, SD but yesterday proved me wrong so i'm trying to let that all go. if one campsite doesn't work out, there will be another. my biggest problem - which is a wonderful one to have - are all the incredibly beautiful and awe-some places and people along the way. i just went through about a 1/8 wide track of farm that had been leveled by a tornado not too long ago - it was like a double-wide train had just plowed over the land for as far as i could see to the east and the west. i've seen areas hit by tornadoes in texas but they were more like "touch-downs." this was a wipe out - i can only imagine what it is like in alabama and missouri and the other places where tornadoes have wreaked havoc lately.

i also saw first hand yesterday the "amber waves of grain" - i could not believe how beautiful it is. miles and miles and miles - like a wheat or alfalfa ocean. i actually had to get out of the car and take some photos and break off a sheath - now i've got new mexico sage and kansas wheat dangling from my rear-view mirror. everything i'm seeing, however, is still colored with the books and stories i've read over the past nine months about the original peoples of this country. books by jim harrison, peter nabokov, vine and philip deloria, etc. i can imagine what the countryside was like before it was diviied up and parceled out -

as i've often thought in the past, state borders are really so amusing. the land doesn't change . . . the people don't change (except for their driver's licenses) . . . the borders are, for the most part, invisible and, if not for the signage (and sometimes a river or two), you wouldn't even know you've gone from one state to another. i've also been amazed how much water is in so many of the creeks - little mule creek, rattlesnake creek, and others are as deep as can be as are many of the rivers. i just crossed the arkansas river, however, and it was almost bone dry. having also passed several alfalfa and wheat fields before coming to the river - and seeing the massive watering systems they have going (when it's 91 degrees and in broad daylight) makes me wonder if that's what tapping the river dry. and i sure as hell wouldn't want to pay their water bill.

by the way, if you haven't read weatherford's "indian givers," i highly recommend it. it's not about what you'd think.

i'm in a little mom and pop coffee shop in great bend, ks. i told myself that i'd only stop at local establishments on this trip but, up until now, this is the first one i've found in KS that's open - and it's wonderful. i was even forced to eat at a KFC yesterday. i can't remember the last time i ate KFC (kentucky fried critter as cory calls it). i hope it's a long time coming before i have to do so again. note: i think there's money to be made if anyone's interested in opening a good restaurant or diner along 281 north/south in kansas.

yesterday, i drove through kingfisher, OK and learned that it is the birthplace of sam walton. who knew? of course, just across the road from the sign that read "birthplace of sam walton" wa a huge walmart. i wonder why they made arkansas the home base for walmart and not kingfisher, ok?

as i was leaving the SP yesterday - the one where i took the hike - about 10 miles out on hwy 8 - there was a grass fire. my friend kim had called me and i told her i had to hang up as a firetruck pulled out of no where in front of me and it wasn't much longer before i saw it pull over. at first i couldn't even see any smoke but then it grew and grew and grew. if i'd been ten minutes later, i don't think i'd have been able to pass. after i passed the area i stopped to look back - it was unbelievable how quickly the fire was spreading - truly licking it's way across the field. i so hope they got it under control. i'd said to myself at the park how i hoped people were being careful about cigarettes and campfires as the area was so dry - just like around austin. i also wonder how the fire i saw started - it was literally in the middle of a field of grain. i'm ignorant as to this type of environment - i've seen the beauty of it but also the hardship.

i'm hoping to cross into nebraska by this evening - but if i don't, that's ok, too.

it seems like i've been gone longer than 2 1/2 days as they've been so full of gifts - my friend mary catherine in OK City and getting to hear/ see her and louise goldberg perform . . . the gypsum canyon also in OK . . . the drive through kansas (thus far) . . . the cool and diverse people i've met. the young woman who works in this coffee shop is one of the coolest so far along with the park ranger yesterday. so many great people - who also don't change based on state borders.

i heard from kristen that she finished and loved doing her triathlon yesterday - she totally rocks. i wish i'd been able to be there to see it but as my daughter said, i could put this trip off forever because of things that might come up at home or that i wanted to do there. and so, the adventure continues.

back into the car to drive, be awe-struck as i pass through this beautiful land, say a few prayers for those suffering hardship (everywhere), to learn and to remain grateful for this incredible opportunity. it is true that the more we learn, the more we understand just how much we have left to learn.

peace!

peace!

half past friday

2011-06-03T17:20:00.003-05:00

a/k/a saturday a.m. will be the departure date. palo duro canyon remained closed so i am waiting until tomorrow to leave so i can see my friend mary catherine in oklahoma city. she and her partner, louise, will be performing tomorrow night so double the reasons for waiting until tomorrow to leave and make OKC my first stop.

the car is almost completely packed. i am going to try to get everything in this evening except my "go bag" - the one i'll be sure to bring in with me each night whether that be into my tent, into a cabin, into a motel room or into a friend's home.

and for those who have been expressing their worry that i'm doing this trip alone, i'm not. sock monkey is raring to go. cory gave him to me when i first moved to austin and he is ready for the trip to begin. i don't think he'll pass as a passenger if i get in an hov lane but i don't plan on getting in any hov lanes or anything close to the type of road where there might be a 2+ expressway. i also have the walking stick the kiddos made for me for mother's day umpteen years ago. i am so happy to be putting it to really good use on a great adventure - they are always with me but will be especially close by on hikes and as i travel.

i've got more doo dads on my key ring than i thought possible - and only one key. since i'll have to have the car key with me at all times, even when hiking or cycling or whatever, i thought i'd put these important items together - mini-swiss army knife, compass, flashlight, sharpie, and other assorted charms that are meaningful to me. the small silver ball is a pomegranate . . .

if this trip serves no other purpose than what it already has, it will be successful. a) i have learned how to read a map to some extent and b) i am more organized than i've ever been in my life. in fact, i have absolutely shocked my own self by it. i hope it stays that way. i've never been on a trip like this in my life so i have no expectations - that's a good thing. if the way i have things organized doesn't work, i'll reorganize but i don't think i'll know that until i've spent a few days and nights on the road and especially the camping part.

and, as it turns out, a new friend of mine here in austin is from south dakota and he was able to give me some wonderful information not only about SD but it was about many of the places i already wanted to go and it's within the radius of which peter nabokov spoke. yesterday i went to bookpeople to get the book 'the lemon tree' as it was suggested to me by someone as a 'must read.' while i was there, i looked to see one more time if they'd gotten any more detailed maps in of the central and western US; they had not. but as i was about to exit the aisle, i notice a book entitled "sacred places across the world." i sat in a chair for almost an hour and read through it and several places are on my "hope to see" map and there were a few others that i did not have on my map but are in the areas to which i hope to head. so that was a gift. and when i went to put the book back from where i got it, i noticed that it was mis-shelved to begin with -- it was in a section that had nothing to do with the subject.

yesterday, after a doctor's appointment, i stopped to get the car washed and waxed hoping the waxing will help with all the dust i'll be going through and it's nice to pack a car when it's clean. as i was paying for it, i looked to my right and there was a greeting card rack and a bright red card that said, "wherever you go, go with all your heart."

this morning, i went by nowell & kristen's and kristen showed me how to better use my camera. she makes it look so easy. so, don't blame kristen if i take too many photos - just be glad that any i do post and you choose to look at will be in focus.

i'm about to get the last load of clothes from the dryer to the suitcase then that will be that. all that will be left will be waking up in the morning, brushing my teeth and getting dressed and pulling away with my already-packed car and my "go bag."

i can't believe i am really doing this.

om mani padme hum

Alhamdulillah

thank you baby jesus!

,pilamayaye tunkasila

temporary base camp

2011-05-28T19:35:00.004-05:00

my friend nancy asked what my day and time of departure are. i said 'half past thursday' - give or take a day or two either side of that. i believe i have everything i need to take and several maps from which i've created a "dotted-line" master. peter nabokov suggested that i map out a 50 mile radius of the places that i've been especially drawn to and get to know as much about them as i can so i've been doing that from home and i also have the 50-mile radii drawn out on the maps for those few locations so i can do so in person when i'm there.

i took what i thought was going to be an easy, uphill climb today; 1/8th the distance i usually go but it just about killed me. i don't know if it was the heat, wearing a new pack, wearing my new hiking boots for the first time or what but i only made it for an hour. i'm chalking it up to just having a bad day - tomorrow's a new one. the pack was great -i am so glad i got the one cj recommended and not the one the salesperson suggested. i hate having to break in a new pair of shoes/ boots - learned my lesson the hard way how NOT to do that on our trip to italy. so i'd been breaking in 3 different pairs of shoes the past couple of months but realized last week that the ones i was going to use for the more difficult hikes/ climbs were just not working and decided it was better to go get the right pair and bust my butt breaking them in as opposed to taking the wrong pair and suffering through. i know that was the right decision just after today's hike but i'd still like to get 5 or 6 more hikes in - even if short ones - before i leave.

a very small handful of friends have asked if i'll update the blog as i travel. i'm not sure how often i'll come across connectivity and i'm hoping to disconnect as much as possible even when it is available but i'll do my best. they probably want me to do so more for the sake of making sure i'm still alive than anything. at the present moment there are friends and family who think this is the greatest thing i could possibly do at this point in my life . . . friends and family who think it sounds great but don't think i'll do it . . . friends and family who think i'm out of my ever-loving mind . . . as to those in the latter category, what's new? to those in the first category, i love you too. to those in between, i guess we'll know in about a month. i'll definitely be spending any time i may make a phone call with those in the "you can do this" camp. just like my trying to ski in new mexico this winter - it's all about the attitude.

the only "XX or Bust" destination i have is lemmon, south dakota. don't ask me why - really. all i know is it keeps coming up and even came up again last night so i am going to check it out - and a 50 mile radius with lemmon as the center. even if i get a fortune cookie while i'm there that says, "austin, texas is a good place to live" i'll have made the trip - actually seen through something that's been in my heart for a long time. and there may be no more to it than that and that's ok. my dotted line has me going to montana from there, or dipping down into wyoming them back up to montana but now i have to keep my eyes on the missouri river due to all the flooding in montana. another benefit to not having hard and fast plans or reservations. i've been given all kinds of advice as to the reservations bit, too. some folks think i'm nuts (again, get in line) for not having reservations locked up from beginning to end but, thankfully, there are plenty of folks who agree with that approach having done trips of a similar bent. the major areas of the national parks and other touristy areas may be crowded this time of year but i've found maps and books and people who have given me information about other places in the same areas where there aren't the maddening crowds. it would be nice to see another face or two from time to time but i don't want to visit the national parks that more closely resemble disneyworld than nature. i also have a map just of the national forests which, i'm told, is one of the best to have for all kinds of reasons.

so, that's it for today. i'm open to any and all suggestions and insider knowledge - that's what's helped to get me this far. i'll take what "fits" and leave the rest - maybe for another trip down the line some time.

p.s. why don't they make tents and sleeping bags that are as easy to "pop" back into their sleeves as they are to "pop" out? and what's with all this wicking? here i thought 100% cotton was the best way to go - so i'm going half and half.

the "experts" were right

2011-05-22T22:57:00.005-05:00

after talking with a young woman at whole earth who does a LOT of hiking as well as talking with one of my sons, i "climbed" more of the green belt today than walking the paths and they are right, the merrells that i thought i was taking on my trip are not the right shoes. d@mn!! but i'm glad i found out now and not on my first difficult hike on the road. whole earth ordered me two other pairs of shoes to try - they'll be in on tuesday - so i'll have to do a heck of a lot of hiking and "climbing" to break them in. at least my keene's and teva's are good - so i may have to stick to more level hikes at first, depending upon how much i can break in whatever the new pair will be.

it was a glorious day along the greenbelt today but also one of those days where i wish they made magic wands for moms.

a view from near the top and then looking back up. i am pretty sore still but feel really good. ali was right - when my hair is messed up it does look like "george washington hair."

Trip

2011-05-21T23:15:00.004-05:00

i am taking a trip. not a journey; not a vision quest; not any of those existential terms some folks are wanting to call it . . . i'm taking a road trip. at this point, all i know for sure is that i hope to have my car packed and pulling out of austin sometime around 1 june and arriving in lemmon, south dakota within the next week or so. from there, who knows. i might turn left at the bakery or i might keep heading north (better pack my passport in case i go too much further north - to the land of our grandmother as black elk says).

cj and i have the tent, thermal pad, sleeping bag, and tarp figured out. nice to have an expert in the family. he's also going to help me to make sure i have all the "gear" i need - first aid kit with the right items; basic cooking items; etc.

the next most important thing to me is the shoe situation. i have three pairs of shoes that i bought around 3 months ago in preparation for this trip (learned the hard way when ali and i went to italy that you don't break shoes in the day before you're leaving). the only problem on the shoe front is that i've done so much walking and climbing since i got them that the tread is already wearing down on one of the pair of keene's. but there's a great young woman at whole earth who works yosemite from july - september who gave me some really good advice today and i'm going back tuesday or wednesday to try on another pair of hiking boots and they may give me my money back for the pair of merrell's one of her co-workers told me would be sufficient for the hiking i planned to do which, in her opinion, won't begin to cut the mustard (or the shale or granite or whatever the trail's surfaces are). she's also going to help me with a few other things as to clothing. REI is having a sale this week so i was able to get an insulated, lightweight waterproof jacket, fleece jacket and another top that should be all i need for the colder nights and/ or hikes bearing in mind the 30 degree sleeping bag i'll have with me.

i spent most of this evening with my topographical map, my basic map of the united states, and the adventure guide map i got from national geographic trying to plot out my route. as it's based on getting to lemmon and trying to see as many of the places i've wanted to along the way and from there, it's a bit tricky. i stopped when it became overwhelming. tomorrow's a new day. and i have to remember i only have 6 weeks for this particular trip but between "black elk speaks", "where lightning strikes", "empire of the summer moon" and james harrison's books, it's really hard to sort it out - plotting my route after lemmon based on the sacred and important (at least to me) places that they mention that i want to try to visit. at least everything's in the western half of the u.s. that said, i may get to lemmon and simply turn right around and come home - as my friend wendy said, who knows, i may get to lemmon and see a sign that says "go home to austin."

so, despite having a WTF do you think you're doing panic attack a little earlier, i'm pretty excited - i just can't believe i'm really doing it. some of my friends have asked me to keep them posted via this blog (or travelblog one of them called it) i don't know if i'll be able to as most of the places i'm hoping to see are rather remote. i guess there's connectivity in between but was thinking it might be nice to pretend email, web, cell phone aren't there - even send a postcard or two with actual stamps. i know i won't be brave enough to turn the cell phone off - there are 4 people i want to be sure can reach me if need be. and there is the most remote chance - like 1 to 99 odds - of my possibly getting to meet phil deloria in wyoming. worth keeping some kind of connectivity open.

every store i went to today i tried to buy bear spray. this had not crossed my mind as i figured the hikes and trips i'd be taking wouldn't be so remote that bears would be a problem but the only time i've turned on the t.v. in the past 3 weeks the pbs show has been about bears in north america. then when i purchased my latest map i accidentally picked up the book next to it which was entitled something like "bear basics." then, last week at a doctor's office, i picked up a national geographic or smithsonian magazine and was leafing through it when i came across an article about how bears are becoming more and more aggressive toward humans - even black bears. road trip or no road trip, i'm paying attention. when i told cj i couldn't find any bear spray he said, 'just wait until you get closer to the mountains, mom. they'll have it at the gas stations.'

just like i went to every outdoor and book store in town to try to get an old-fashioned map of the u.s. of a. that's all on one big piece of paper. just when i gave up, i found one at the shell station up the street. duh.

so it goes . . .

miracles

2011-04-10T01:50:00.004-05:00

life has been filled with little miracles lately but there's no sense talking about them, really. if you've had them happen in your life - and noticed them - then there's really nothing left to say.

it's been awhile since i've been to the blog. there have been lots of ups and downs lately. in fact, some days it flat out feels like someone pulled the rug out from under me and i landed face down without the strength to get up. the last 3 years have been hard and the last 3 years have been good. they've just taken some getting used to. this early retirement thing on top of it all has been the real kicker i think - i don't know what to do with myself. some people would say how perfect! i'm getting there but i feel like a child who's been spinning around and around and the dizziness is just starting to wear off; others call it shock. whatever it is, these little miracles are helping to pull me through. they include people, travel, music, places, 11:11, the wind, the morning doves (no longer mourning doves), etc. etc.

i still don't know what i'm going to do next but i do believe that i'll know it when it comes along - both the activity and the place. because we've moved mom to austin, i've been looking at property within 90 miles of austin. as i was going to the bugle boy this evening to hear (the amazing) elizabeth wills, i decided i'd leave this morning and spend the day taking back roads in that area to see what was out there. i hadn't intended to (although my good friend lore told me later that she knew i'd end up there) go to stolen rock to see what changes had been made and to tell it hello. from the outside, it appears nothing's been done other than the property being mowed. the roses we planted are growing well and as beautiful as ever; the hibijuana plant is starting to do its thing and the butterfly bushes were taller than the bird-feeder. i didn't go around the back of the house or the sides although i could see them from the road to know nothing had been done on the outside there, either. the porch looked so lonely . . . i wanted to go sit on it so badly but it's no longer my home. the beautiful fence that ali had put along the little cottage on the property we'd bought next door was down. that made me sad because it was something we'd worked on together although she did much more of it solo than with me. i realized quite some time ago, with someone's help, that as much as i was devastated at the time about the break up, it was losing the home that i loved so much that is still so hard to get past. it was home and i thought it was home forever. i'm the one who signed it all away to ensure i didn't stay tangled up in all that halving things would encompass but i surely didn't expect not to be able to buy out ali's part if she ever decided not to stay there.

a good thing about the visit to stolen rock was getting to spend some time with my former neighbor, joe. when i pulled up he was sitting on his porch (as usual) and seemed so happy - he smiled his big toothless grin and waved and his eyes just lit up. they are the most beautiful blue - almost like the bluebonnets (if we had any this year). i said, "how's it going, joe?" and he said, "pretty good for 93." i said, 'pretty sad about the bluebonnets this year' and he said, 'not enough rain.' i asked if he was going to put in his vegetable garden any time soon and he said, 'no - we're not going to have enough rain and i'm not going to water.' he went on to say that the weather forecasters are calling for rain but he thinks they're wrong. my money's on joe. joe also has a ceramic cardinal that he keeps on the post at the end of his property. when ali and i lived there, the cardinal was gray - the color of the cement - but one day i noticed a speck of red. i asked joe if the cardinal used to be red and he said, 'oh yes, when i bought it for my wife it was completely red with a black neck and red beak' so i went and got some red paint and painted the sucker. he was so happy you'd think someone had given him a million dollars. but today when i pulled down the road and came back, i noticed that the red was wearing off on one side so the next time i head that way, i'll have to make sure i've got some red outdoor paint with me. not sure why it would only have worn off on one side but there you have it.

anyway, i miss that place like i've never missed any place before. it was my little piece of heaven - especially when the "children" were there to visit. now i have to make a new home, wherever that might be.

as little talent as i have for music - ok, absolutely NO talent - music is one of the main things that's been sustaining me. austin is a good place to be for that and i've taken full advantage of being here. my friend nancy scott introduced me to a singer by the name of elizabeth wills and she has been one of the angels in my life this past 9 months. this evening - after the drive around colorado, fayette, bastrop and austin counties - i went to the bugle boy to hear her play. she was the first recipient of the bugle boy's talent trust and this evening they announced the talent trust winner for next year - kat edmonson. my friend wendy has been telling me about kat for some time but this was the first time i really experienced her performance. she and elizabeth sang "both sides now" by joni mitchell. it was one of those moments that you know you've captured in your heart forever but somehow wish you could have captured it via some type of media for others. things don't work that way, however.

tomorrow, my friend linda and i are going to see michael murphy. he's been one of my favorites since the early 70s and he sings two of my favorite songs - 'texas morning' and 'boy from the country.' and, speaking of boy from the country, cj may be coming for a visit at the end of april. it will be so great to see him here in austin even though i just got to see him in march on his turf. i wish kelleen could be here, too, but cj is the kind of guy who you'll know when he's getting here when he's actually here. we're going to try to get kells a last minute ticket when we know he's halfway here . . . fingers crossed. it's been awhile since all 4 "kiddos" were in the same place at the same time and would be really nice no matter how brief the visit.

losing 90 pounds and working out has certainly helped a lot. it was so great to take ski lessons (god bless my ski instructor - i call her saint eileen) when i visited cj and to even move downward on my own. i just couldn't get the whole leaning forward bit - so counterintuitive - and especially for someone who thinks too much. but cj seemed really proud of me and seemed pretty impressed with my having gotten myself into shape. nowell and cory are too, i think. i haven't seen kell since i started working out but next time i go to new york i might be able to keep up with her walking - she is a walkaholic. nowell has gotten into incredible shape - he ran a marathon and is doing the MS 150. seems he's working out in one way or another every day. cj's currently on a short break and skiing colorado and wyoming with some of his buddies from angel fire. i'm sure they're doing more than just skiing the way i think of skiing but i also think it's best i don't know - i've had several people tell me i don't want to know some of the things cj does on those mountains - whether skis or bikes. so i'll leave it alone - nothing i can do about it anyway and he seems to be loving what he's doing and knows the risks. besides, as my friend theresa told me once . . . my kids have a higher power, too, and it's not me. thank goodness for them it's not!

on the way home from visiting cj, i took almost 4 days to come back to texas - took as many back roads as i could. went to abiqui and even though o'keefe's studios were closed despite the website saying they were open, a lady in town told me how to get there. i couldn't go in but i could get a sense of place. it was amazing. and there were all kinds of other gifts that found me along the way - trust me, they wouldn't have been on the map even if i could read one.

going to sleep now with a bit of a sad heart - but also a grateful one. that's life. and i'm grateful that the sun is starting to peek out from behind the clouds. i've been blessed in so many ways and i know it.

2/7/11

2011-02-07T20:21:00.007-06:00

it has been 3 years to the day since my friend jeannie died. she was one of those 'once in a lifetime' friends and this world was robbed of her far too soon. she was full of joy and energy and life - in fact i half expected a new galaxy to appear the night she died. perhaps it did and we just can't see it yet. all i know is that i still miss her each and every day - there's a hole that nothing can fill nor should it. i made her a few promises that i hope to live long enough to fulfill but that will be in time and i'm doing my best with the others. jeannie would be the first to say that's all we can do.

jeannie was an incredible musician and, although you can't hear the melody, here are the words to a song she wrote years before she was diagnosed with gliobastoma. she told me she never realized how much the words would mean to her one day. i told her it wasn't the words - it was her faith - and her faith also helped her beat the odds on the amount of time she had with us, but especially with her daughter. as with most everything else in her life, she proved the doctors wrong on the "timing thing."

"The God Song"
© 2001, Jeannie Kauffman

God wipe away my tears

Hold me in your arms

Light the path that I'll walk with you and won't you keep me safe from harm?

Yet if harm should come my way

If that's what you have in store

I'll heal in time and I'll come to find that I love you even more.

God release this pain

And hold me in your love

Help me know you're right inside me and not somewhere far above.

And God remove my doubts

That I may live in truth

When people look into my eyes won't you help them to see you?

God help me do the same

So I will recognize

That you're in every one of us and I'll see you in their eyes.

Because God is all there is.

I know God is all there is.

I claim this truth for me and you,

I know God is all there is.

------------
a lot happened in 2008 from which there are scars - two have turned out to be blessings in disguise but nothing will ever take the place of jeannie.

all things considered, 2009 was a pretty good year in retrospect then 2010 turned things on their ear again (what does that saying mean?) i was displaced when our company's international and u.s. operations merged; mom had a stroke and we had to move her to austin; cj moved out of state . . . things that seem so inconsequential on paper but in and of themselves can be larger than life. i guess the better the grip you have on life the less consequential some of these things seem but i feel like i'm hanging on by a thread. it's an unrealistic fear but it is real nonetheless.

i'm trying to do positive things - for one i lost 90 pounds this last year and began a pretty good exercise program - that was LONG overdue. before and after proof

me and cj just under a year ago

followed by me and cj this past september

and, finally, now:

it was a lot of hard work but if it helps others to know it can be done then it was worth it. i've never felt better - some things that helped me (although my trainer said the after 4 thing doesn't really matter) . . . i wouldn't eat anything after 4 or 5 p.m.; i'd eat half of what i would normally have eaten; i'd park my car as far away from whatever store or establishment i was going to so i'd have to walk; i tried to cut out all unrefined sugar and white flour and whey and i started to exercise. i worked my way into all of it although once i saw my photos from last christmas and then one with my friend kiki from just about a year ago i said "THAT'S IT!" hopefully since it took a year to take it off it will stay off as long as i keep doing the things i know that work. that said, a little less stress would be much appreciated.

i don't know what i want to do next. i'm not sure i want to go back to corporate america. both the thought of doing so and the thought of not doing so are frightening - there will definitely be compromises either way.

i'm learning a lot from some of my longtime friends, some new friends, some people i admire but am not friends with -- just acquaintances, from my children, my brother, professionals . . . i guess you could say i'm all ears and eyes with 56 years to use as a litmus test.

strangely enough, one of my greatest joys and inspirations is music. good thing i live in austin - that's one thing you can always find here.

tomorrow we have some "cousins" who aren't really cousins coming in from georgia to see mom. i used to go see their parents whenever i had to travel through georgia and it is really kind of them to come see mom although i still swear she'll outlive me. the energizer bunny doesn't have anything on her, i'll say that much.

so tomorrow is another day. i hope it brings you joy.

happy birthday

2011-01-16T20:52:00.012-06:00

i can't believe cory has turned 27. i remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. time truly does fly. nothing in this world is more important than our children - if only foresight was 20/20.

2011-01-09T20:06:00.004-06:00

i posted this to facebook, too, and i realize that one of the problems of posting notes to facebook is that, primarily, we are "friends" or friends of friends of like minded people and so we are preaching to the choir. i also happen to have others with whom i am friends - and family - with whom i do not agree but with whom i can have intelligent dialogue and sometimes simply agree to disagree. i started the "note" several days ago when the republicans first announced they were going to try to repeal the Health Care Reform Act. but, atypically, i didn't hit "send" without sitting on it for awhile. after the events of yesterday in arizona, it's more apparent than ever that this insanity has to stop and those who purport to be "leaders" need to be held accountable for their actions however innocuous they may pretend them to be.

i am posting it here to "further weavings" as i have folks stop by here from time to time who send me emails and as awkward or amateurish as it may be, it is very, very important to me and those i love. even to many whom i don't even know. it is also a sore subject between a lot of people but this is just my opinion - even though an english teacher told me once that you never have to say "it's my opinion" because everyone will know that as you are the author. anyway . . .

i'm not a politician, lawyer, doctor or anything else with an alphabet behind its title. i'm not a professional speaker, accomplished writer or anything else that qualifies me to think my opinion is of any value. i am first and foremost a human being like everyone else and then i'm a mom, daughter, step-daughter, friend, co-worker, etc. - the first two roles, human being and mom, being the most important and probably the ones i've made the most mistakes with.

i'm also not left-wing, right-wing, democrat or republican - i try to vote on the issues when it comes to politics and i try to educate myself as to the issues rather than take someone else's word for what a bill says or a politician believes. anyone who passes judgment on something or someone or attempts to speak with a level of authority on an issue without familiarizing themselves with the facts is as dangerous as someone with a loaded gun. sadly, that seems to be what happened yesterday in arizona.

paul krugman of the new york times wrote that while ". . . we don’t have proof yet that this (the shootings in arizona) was political, the odds are that it was. She’s (Representative Giffords) been the target of violence before. And for those wondering why a Blue Dog Democrat, the kind Republicans might be able to work with, might be a target, the answer is that she’s a Democrat who survived what was otherwise a GOP sweep in Arizona, precisely because the Republicans nominated a Tea Party activist. . . . And yes, she (Giffords) was on Sarah Palin’s infamous “crosshairs” list. Just yesterday, Ezra Klein remarked that opposition to health reform was getting scary. Actually, it’s been scary for quite a while, in a way that already reminded many of us of the climate that preceded the Oklahoma City bombing. You know that Republicans will yell about the evils of partisanship whenever anyone tries to make a connection between the rhetoric of Beck, Limbaugh, etc. and the violence I fear we’re going to see in the months and years ahead. But violent acts are what happen when you create a climate of hate. And it’s long past time for the GOP’s leaders to take a stand against the hate-mongers." end quote

i happen to agree with krugman's (and klein's) statementsi've been saying for quite some time that i was afraid given some of the tactics and subtle (and not so subtle) messages certain "leaders" were taking and making. all it takes is someone who is not in their right mind to take those messages to the extreme and sadly, again, that is exactly what seems to have happened. no one can be inside the head of the tuscon shooter - who would want to be? but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out from where he took his cues.

i can also empathize with the overall sentiments of a letter marianne williamson recently wrote to sarah palin.

Dear Sarah Palin,

I don't share your politics but I do share your country. I am writing to you now as a fellow American and also as a woman who, like you, puts my spiritual journey above all else.

When your book first came out, I knew I had to read it because I felt judgment in my heart that was not in keeping with my religious convictions. I was tempted to think about you in prejudiced stereotypes, and I know that this doesn't jive with "Love one another" or "Judge not lest ye be judged." So I bought your book.

And I liked it. I admire you as a self-made woman who has achieved a lot in your life, and I can see how some unfair criticisms that have been leveled against you could have hurt terribly. I am sorry for that. As a woman from Texas, I recognized your refusal to "sit down and shut up" as the attitude of a kick-ass woman from a kick-ass state. Although I am pro-choice, I felt your spiritual process regarding coming to acceptance and obedience in relation to giving birth to a Down Syndrome child was both inspiring and profound.

When I read your descriptions of liberals in the book -- not just critical, but simply false -- my jaw did drop a couple of times, like I almost thought you must be joking... you couldn't really think that. But I knew my job in reading the book was to beware my own judgments, so I simply read on and tried to ignore your jibes.

I have defended you since reading the book, particularly when others would make fun of your comments about looking to God's Will to guide you. But something is happening now that is so critical to this country, with such genuinely significant repercussions, that I implore you to hear me -- not just as a fellow American, but as a sister who I know prays to the same God that I do: Words have power. Please modify your words.

In my lifetime, we have lost a President, a Civil Rights leader and a Presidential candidate -- all to gun violence. Another President was shot and survived the ordeal, while his press secretary was paralyzed for life. These are not left-right issues; they are not political correctness issues; they are human issues concerning life and death. I am not suggesting you would pick up a gun and shoot anyone; I am suggesting that there are other people who would, however, and in your position as a leading political figure you are stoking fires -- regardless of your intention -- that are simply too dangerous to be safely stoked.

This is not the stuff of media bias. It is the stuff of history -- in the United States and elsewhere. From Hitler's Germany to the arousal of genocidal fervor in Rwanda, there are more than enough examples of how a group psychosis can emerge within a nation. I beg you to join with me -- even though I am not your political ally -- in praying for blessing and protection on all our politicians and their families, and looking deeply within our own hearts for where violence lurks so we can cast it out.

I am speaking from genuine concern for our country -- a concern no more or less meaningful or legal or freedom-loving than your own. I have a pretty tough edge myself, and I don't mince words when it comes to politics. But no one needs to be "re-loading" now, and our political opponents are not "enemy territory." In a free society, we do not have to agree; in fact, that's the point of freedom. "Shoot with accuracy; aim high and remember it takes blood, sweat and tears to win" is a frightening statement, Sarah. It is not funny; it is threatening. There are some crazy people in this country on both sides of the political aisle, and saying such things could incite them to violence that is very real.

Please join with me in turning to a God of Love and not fear, that our country and our world -- and perhaps most importantly, our own hearts -- might be purified of hate. It is love and love alone that will heal our country and heal our world.

Marianne Williamson

end of letter and back to sharron . . .

prior to yesterday's atrocities i was angry enough - i didn't understand how there could be even one iota of a discussion about repealing the health care law. the people of the united states went out to vote for president obama based on his platform of economic and healthcare reform. he and those in congress have been and are delivering in keeping with that platform. it took 18 months for health care reform to pass and a heck of a lot of work on the part of many people. although slowly, the unemployment rate is improving and "wall street" is being reined in. obama told us during the campaign, after his election, during his inaugural speech and often thereafter that as hard as it was to elect him, it would take even more work to make these reforms happen. you can't just stop an avalanche once it's begun nor turn the titanic around on a dime.

but for hate mongering such as palin's "cross-hairs" map and the rhetoric of limbaugh and beck to be taken so seriously and to be taken to such extremes is criminal. and, although related and extrapolates my concerns to the Nth degree, it's not why i started to write this note.

the Health Care Reform Act is not perfect. but it is good and it reflects a country whose leaders (or a good majority of them) are compassionate and mindful of all the people in the country - not just the top 1% in wealth nor those who, for one reason or another, don't have to worry about health care. those who oppose the Act without reading or understanding it - or bothering to find out more - create an atmosphere just as dangerous as others that have existed in our lifetime and that we had the power to stop but chose to ignore.

what is worse about the republicans' threat to repeal the health care reform bill is that the republicans' alternative at this point consists of a two-page addendum to the two-page repeal bill. It's a plan to make a plan to have a plan. if you don't believe me, check it out.

yes, i have family members and friends who benefit from the health care reform bill - so do 32 million other americans. some of my family members are already reaping the benefits from these reforms - the ability to have insurance even though they have a pre-existing and chronic condition. they don't want handouts from the government nor to go on welfare, which would be one of the only alternatives if the health care reform bill is repealed. unless, of course, you are independently wealthy and can pay cash for your medications and any hospitalizations. or you're a member of congress and are guaranteed insurance FOR LIFE even after you complete your term of office.

to be fair, i can see why people would be opposed to the government requiring everyone in the country to have insurance - the argument that this is the only way to pay for the reform is ludicrous. but we do need to ensure that everyone - every last human being in this country - has the OPTION of being covered by insurance that they pay for. in addition to the other things i'm not, i'm also not a mathematician but i know enough math to know that what we'd save by having far fewer welfare cases by allowing individuals with chronic or pre-existing conditions to be able to purchase their own insurance is a no-brainer. and to repeal the entire act based on this fact alone would be throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

i've read and heard that a vote to repeal the Affordable Care Act, which - among other things - prevents insurance companies from refusing coverage when someone becomes sick, is expected as early as next wednesday (since Congresswoman Giffords' shooting it may be delayed). If they get their way, insurance companies will once again have the right to deny coverage to people with pre-existing conditions, drop or limit coverage if you become sick, and charge women higher premiums than men. seniors will lose critical prescription drug savings and free preventive care under Medicare.

i again quote someone else when i say that "The motivations here have little to do with good policy. Repeal is just the first agenda item of a new Republican majority that is much more interested in appeasing their right-wing base and looking out for special interests than working together to create jobs and grow the economy. Behind the scenes, insurance-industry lobbyists are working overtime with Republicans to take us back to the days when their clients were able to do whatever they wanted."

but the health care reform act and those who support it don't take their cues, nor money, from special interest groups or lobbyists. the majority of the people of the united states of america voted for the people who represent the platform that included health care reform . . . and lots of people fought to pass the Affordable Care Act because it was the right thing to do.

citing statistics (which, arguably, can be stated differently depending upon the statistician with whom you speak) the Act's provisions are fair, reduce the deficit by more than $230 billion over the next 10 years, cut costs, and protect all Americans from the worst insurance industry abuses. as i mentioned earlier, the law is already making a difference in people's lives.

here are some of the facts for those who haven't even bothered to read the Act or join any of the open calls Secretary Sebelius has sponsored or educated themselves in any other way, shape or form other than to take their cues from the aforementioned lobbyists, those who oppose the Act or the guy next door.

among other provisions, the Affordable Care Act:

-- prevents insurers from raising premiums by double digits with no recourse or accountability;

-- requires insurers to spend 80 to 85 percent of premium dollars on health care, not CEO bonuses -- and if they don't, they have to provide you a rebate;

-- frees families from the fear of losing their insurance, or having it capped unexpectedly, after an injury or illness; and

-- prohibits insurance companies from discriminating against pregnant women or denying coverage to children born with disabilities.

my plea, even more impassioned than before after the events of yesterday, are that each and every one who bothers to read this message to please call, email, or visit their leaders in the House of Representatives or their Senators to ask them to please not repeal the Affordable Care Act.

how can we call our selves human beings if we can't even allow one another the opportunity and dignity of having health care? we will always have our poor and our indigent who will need assistance of a special kind. but for those individuals who are willing and able to purchase insurance but are denied it because of a condition that is outside their realm of control; or to make our parents or grandparents choose between paying their heating bill or getting their medication; or to tell a single father that his just diagnosed with muscular dystrophy child can no longer be covered . . . we cannot allow that to happen.

i have a child who was born with type 1 diabetes - he is as fit, if not more so, than most people who will read this. he did not cause his condition but he will not be able to get insurance if this Act is repealed. we are fortunate in that we have other options but the majority of others are not. i have a friend who was (incorrectly) diagnosed with cancer but for the rest of her life, insurance companies will consider her to have a pre-existing condition and she will be unable to get insurance if this Act is repealed. i have another friend who does have cancer and can't quit his job because then he will lose his insurance, if this Act is repealed. i have another friend whose husband was informed last week that he was being displaced - he had insurance through his company but won't be able to get a personal policy for all of his family members if this Act is repealed because one of his children has a pre-existing condition and another decided to sit out a semester of college.

if you were diagnosed with a life threatening disease tomorrow, would you want the insurance companies to dictate how you were to live out the rest of your life? to dictate your quality of life? in each of the instances i've just cited, these people are willing and able to pay for their insurance - they just can't find anyone who will sell it to them IF this Act is repealed.

the violence of yesterday is indicative of the hate and fear that propels far too many actions in this world of ours. . . of how dangerous ignorant people can be when caught in the "cross hairs" of propaganda and fear-mongering. that a young girl and five others had to die - with many more seriously injured- because someone with a loaded gun was convinced that violent actions were the answer to God only knows what question. and those who are now saying the shootings weren't politically motivated are only fooling themselves. representative giffords' windows were shot out the day she cast her vote for the Affordable Care Act - she received violent death threats on the day she beat out her 'tea party' opponent and now the westboro baptist church plans to picket the funerals of the 9 year old girl and the 5 others who died along with her . . . even released a statement that says, "Thank God for the shooter - six dead!" what kind of christians are these? and i sure as hell hope homeland security or the fbi or even the kansas state police has "detail" on each and every one of them.

as tragic as it is, i hope yesterday is a wake up call to those who expound hate, perpetrate fear and perpetuate tolerance of intolerable behaviour. i hope it is a clarion call to everyone to stop and reassess their priorities and to leaders to reassess the messages they are conveying. sadly, yesterday evening, allyson miller, a founder of the 500-member pima county (arizona) tea party patriots said that while they were "deeply saddened" by the events of today and that "there is no place for violence" in political debate she also stated that this doesn't mean her group is going to tone down their rhetoric suppressing freedom of speech.

tell that to the parents of the child who was killed and silenced forever. where is her freedom of speech? it is victim to the violence of someone incited by a political leader's inferences. if these "leaders" are not going to tone down their rhetoric then they should be held accountable for the actions that their "free speech" incites. perhaps then they will choose their words, suggestions and tactics more carefully in the future.

Recently, Representative Gifford said, "For example, we're on Sarah Palin's targeted list... the way she has it depicted has the cross hairs of a gun sight over our district. When people do that they have to realize there's consequences to that."

I hope there are and I hope the repeal of Affordable Care goes no further than it has - a threat.

christmas

2010-12-25T17:15:00.007-06:00

my "children" are no longer children and are each doing their thing today elsewhere. cj is working at the ski resort in NM; kells and brian are with his family in upstate NY; cory & andi are at her parent's house fixing a gourmet meal (we're talking serious gourmet); and nowell and kristen are celebrating with other family members. tomorrow, nowell, cory, kristen and andi will be here and i can't wait. gigi is spending the weekend with me after spending christmas eve with rick & joanie and their family. when they got her here around 9 she was so tired she practically fell into bed.

i took her to mass at the catholic cathedral downtown (thank goodness they had a noon mass or we would have never gotten her there on time). i'll admit it was beautiful inside and out - incredible stained glass windows, carvings on the altar, ultramarine blue domed ceiling with gold stars over the altar - just like the ceiling of the sistine chapel before michaelangelo did his thing. seriously.

i felt both "at home" and like a stranger in that setting. it's what i grew up with; my children started out in catholic school and sunday school . . . now i have so many issues with organized religion of any kind . . . especially those that condemn others or think they are the only ones who know the truth. there were so many things that made me uncomfortable this morning at mass although i didn't let it show because i knew mom was glad to be there. it's ironic but i've spent the past month or so reading about italy and popes and popes' families and the artists they were patrons to . . . . the book i'm reading now has delved especially into the ironies of the roman catholic church. when the priest at mass this morning went through one of the litanies where he read "sixtus" as one of the saints i couldn't believe it . . . the things we 're told and repeat and never even think about or look into ourselves. that mary being a virgin didn't even make it's way into the story of jesus of nazareth until years and years and years after peter and jesus' other friends shared his story with anyone who would listen. how the papal conclave and the taxes levied by popes were so corrupt - in some instances constituted outright crimes - yet in the catholic faith they still extol some of these men as saints. in fact, choosing a pope by way of conclave was something that the church leaders invented to suit their needs in a society rife with corruption. the sistine chapel would have never been painted by michaelangelo if it weren't for the pride and egomania of pope julius. someone who would probably be seen as a criminal in today's society.

the "beauty" of the windows, the gold and carvings on the altar - just in this one little church in austin alone, much less what they have at the vatican and other churches across the world - could be sold to make a real difference in the lives of the suffering. in fact, there was a homeless person trying to sleep in one of the doorways of the church as we went in. i'm not making a judgment on the people of this parish or their priests; i'm sure they all do much good - it just all seems so ironic.

then we have the natural disasters that occur - flooding and mud slides in southern california . . . . blizzards along the east coast of the u.s. . . . the killings in iraq, afghanistan, pakistan . . . . the cyclones and flooding in australia . . . all things that have existed since time began. i asked my dad once if he thought the world was getting worse and he said "no, it's just getting bigger and communication is getting faster so there's an onslaught of information from everywhere; things people would not have known about so quickly in 'the old days.' and when disasters happen, they impact more people than they would have 50 or 100 or 1,000 years ago because of the increased population."

and then i think about how i was given the greatest gift ever - what i had always wanted . . . what i had always asked for . . . 4 beautiful children . . . and i couldn't even do the "job," or more appropriately the "blessing" of being a mom right. who am i to judge anyone else about anything?

when i saw the children at mass this morning it made me sad for all the times i missed with my children as they were growing up. i know i had lots of great times with them and was with them through illnesses and griefs too but, all in all, they deserved so much more. i wanted to go up to each and every mother and father in that church and ask them if they knew how much of a gift their children were and to tell them to always keep them first. so i just said a little silent prayer. one of my children told me recently that they don't pray to anything but "prayer" is just a conversation or plea to something outside of ourselves. it's not just about religion. i didn't argue about the definition of prayer when my son said that - it doesn't matter - he's one of the best people i know.

anyway, after mass i took mom for a late lunch - thankfully for her there were one or two good restaurants open so she didn't have to suffer anything i might prepare. nor will the kiddos tomorrow thanks to county line BBQ take out! she's now asleep on the couch and i'm thinking about heading to bed early to read and then sleep so i can get up early to get things ready for "our christmas". thankfully, the gifts are all wrapped and even more thankfully, i was blessed enough to be able to get them gifts. we take so much for granted.

the greatest gifts of all are kindness, love, forgiveness, caring, listening and, where needed, a blanket or two.

we've got to do better - we CAN do better - than the status quo. i've got to do better - i CAN do better than my status quo.

most days i think my kiddos are more grown up than i am; in fact, most days i'm sure of it. but now i understand what my mom meant when she used to tell me that i'd never understand how much a mother can love her children until i had children of my own. i've known what she meant, now, for some time but i still wish i could have a "do over" at the being a mom part but definitely not at the who my children are part. i have the 4 best "children" in the world. at least my mom will never have her "wish" -- one she verbalized one day when she was especially angry with me -- that i'd have "3 just like me" when i grew up. thankfully, i don't even have one just like me - mine all have good heads on their shoulders and the courage to break away and live the lives they are attuned with -- not the lives they might think are expected of them.

any new moms who may be reading this just remember there's no such thing as a 'perfect' mom - but there is such a thing as a really good mom and that is the mom who loves her children, who lets her children know they are loved by her actions and not just her words and who is there for them - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually (and i'm not equating spiritual with religion). "things" do not replace love. "things" do not replace time spent. and, in my opinion, there is no such thing as loving a child too much or letting a child know you love them too much. there's no substitute for the real thing. no "do overs" and no "making it right later." all you can do "later" is move forward and do the best you can and let your children see you are doing things differently - and keep loving them with all your heart.

family, friends and further weavings

2010-12-11T19:42:00.010-06:00

every time i think "isn't life strange?" i hear the moody blues singing it at the old colusseum in houston around 1971. that brings back good memories of a time that, at the time, seemed complicated but in retrospect was such a piece of cake. i wonder if i'll ever look back on this time - 2010 - and think the same thing? maybe not a piece of cake but at least that life goes on. i know that a lot of the things that have happened the past few years that seemed terrible at the time have turned out to be good things . . .

one thing i know for sure is that when anything is wrong with my family or friends, my world is not ok until they are. i've learned the hard way that i can't "fix" everything . . . sometimes i can't fix anything. i know i've made more mistakes than i thought i had and i now know i have more people who love me than should be legally allowed. for that i am grateful.

but i don't understand why there is so much hate in the world; why people can't let one another live their lives according to their own customs and beliefs and i truly don't understand why we can't learn from history - we keep making the same mistakes, collectively, over and over and over again. why does anyone's being brown harm someone who is white? how does anyone who is gay harm someone who is straight? why does that label have to exist in the first place? why do any labels have to exist for that matter? why do people have to believe that their religion is the only one that's right or that they know THE truth . . . i know these questions have been asked over and over again throughout the centuries and there is a lot of wisdom from which we can learn. it's ironic that we usually don't reach that realization until we're so much older than the years where we really could have used some more wisdom. and, of course, most of us have to "see for ourselves" - it's the way of the world.

today i'm so grateful for my four beautiful children. if i've done anything good in this world, it's their presence in it. i'm also grateful for my friends and some other family members - some of whom have kept me going this year. sometimes i lean on you, sometimes you lean on me but we know we're there to lean on each other if needed.

in the twelve step programs there's a promise that says "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." i can't imagine that ever being true given some of the mistakes i made in my past but i know i have to keep moving forward, even when it's a "baby steps" kind of day.

these days

2010-09-19T16:10:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPk11AugG4c

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwPexocJK3Y

2010-09-12T20:04:00.001-05:00

september already?

2010-09-04T16:28:00.013-05:00

i can't believe it's already september. i hate the last two years but i'm told someday i'll be able to look back on this time and understand to some extent why things are happening as they are. that said, i'm also grateful how some of the 'heartbreaks' have a silver lining. the worst is that 2 of my best friends - lifelong friends - were diagnosed with cancer on the very same day. one in houston and one in austin. of course, this is not about me but it still makes me very sad. my friend in houston has already had her surgery and the cancer had not progressed beyond stage one and she didn't have to go through radiation or chemo but because of the depth of the surgery, and the type, she's been off work for a couple of months and just now allowed to return to work from home. her boss was very smart, knowing her so well, he removed her access to work email until she got the green light from the doctor to return to work, although it's just remotely for now.

my austin friend's cancer was a sarcoma and she had to undergo radiation first - which resulted in a horribly damaged and painful foot and she just had her surgery this past monday. i spent the week with her in her room at the hospital. her surgery was extremely invasive - removing the tumor also involved (basically) the entire top and side of her foot being removed. thankfully, they preserved all of her tendons and only lost some superficial nerves. given the size of the area they had to remove, they had to take the flap of skin, muscle and blood vessels from her abdomen and i don't know which is worse - the foot or the stomach. she has been in so much pain but is such a trooper and has kept her incredible sense of humor through it all. the great news - and something they have been monitoring constantly since surgery - is that the blood vessel grafts seem to be holding well and as of their first view of her full foot since surgery yesterday, the skin and muscle grafts look good, too. i came back to austin last night and her sister from CA took over and she said that they now have her in a much lighter splint and dressing and have d/c'd all tubes, lines, drains, etc. except for one and that they even got her a wheelchair where she can keep her left leg elevated 90 degrees. the full pathology report comes back tuesday (or so they say) and, of course, we're hoping for nothing but good news. she may be discharged by thursday but that's one day at a time and the good news thus far is encouraging. from the hospital she'll go to a temporary facility close by for ease of making her follow up appointments then we're hoping to bring her home to austin for recovery at home and any physical therapy.

my being displaced at work pales in comparison to the above and, the silver lining there is that perhaps i'll have even more time to help with my friends.

my broken arm seems to be healing well although i was a nervous wreck with it around my friend this past week - i'm klutz enough to begin with - and when trying to brush her hair wednesday, thursday and friday, i know i knocked her head with it a few times; thankfully she was on excellent pain meds and has a hard head to begin with.

cj has decided to remain in NM for the next year and i'm hoping to go visit him in early october. nowell and kristen just got back from visiting him and got some wonderful photos (as you can see). i'm hoping to get him here for thanksgiving but, given his work, that may not be possible. kells and brian will be here for thanksgiving and it would be so great to have everyone together at the same time.

i was reading about buckminster fuller earlier today and, apparently, he felt like a failure until later in life - standing at the edge of the ocean, literally, when the concept of the geodesic dome came to him. later, in his book, 'i seem to be a verb' he said, "I live on Earth at present, and I don't know what I am. I know that I am not a category. I am not a thing—a noun. I seem to be a verb, an evolutionary process—an integral function of the universe." i hope i'm an evolutionary process, too, though certainly not one with the intellect of bucky. and i'm not sure he was as old as 56 when he had his great "aha!"

my children are well and seem happy, my friends who were so sick have so much positive news coming their way that other than a miraculous, instantaneous, pain-free healing we couldn't ask for much more. my other friends are healthy; cory seems to really like his new job and kells seems to love her new library.

even the job situation has its positives and, on top of it all, i've lost 70 pounds this year - something i've needed to do for ages.

i still miss my former partner - 10 years is a long time to be with someone and a painful loss - especially when the choice isn't yours but this, too, seems to be part of the overall plan. felt very expendable the last two years but now i see it as a "window" that allows me to be with my friends who may need me now though the line of folks wanting to also do so is a long, beautiful one.

my friend, stumpy joe, one of the finest human beings i know, just got married last weekend to an amazing woman. he was in a place a few years back where he questioned a lot of things and seemed to have things stacked against him. he's my inspiration right now; my children are my hope and my joy; my friend paula is my rock; my two friends who have been through so much and yet remain so positive are my heroes and my other friends - an area in which i have been beyond abundantly blessed - keep me going with their love.

life is good - guess no one ever said "good" equates with easy.

peace out from austin.

24 july

2010-07-24T22:46:00.002-05:00

some things just can't be put into words. thursday night and tonight are two of them. as my friend paula would say, 'thank you baby jesus.'

55 1/2 down

2010-07-06T18:41:00.002-05:00

i've now lost a pound for every year i've been alive. it's a good feeling. my doctor said she'll be happy if i lose another 10. i'll be happy if i lose another 25. nothing like anxiety to kick start a diet.

things seem to be going well with the project that i'm on through september - it's hard to just focus on one day at a time but i know that's the only way. there's so much to learn in this new division of the company but it's making those few remaining brain cells stretch and stretch and stretch so that's good, too.

tilda swinton said in an interview with NPR something along the lines of how she had learned very young that the only thing we can be certain of is change. i think we need to teach that to our children more than we do. i know we want to protect them and for everything to be good but if they learned earlier that not only might things change but that things will change, we'd be helping them a lot more than we are to face reality. of course there are times [like now] when i wish mr. change would get his foot off the accelerator but every time i've doubted god's plan in the past, she's shown me just how much more she DOES know than me. imagine that.

right now, more than work or torn rotator cuffs or anything else, i'm most concerned about two of my best friends who've been diagnosed with cancer. one has already had her surgery and the other will be having her surgery after she finishes radiation. i'm fortunate enough to have a job that i can do from anywhere and so can accompany her on her trips to houston from time to time. but this is her 4th week with only one more to go. they have both been amazing and positive despite the pain. it is so hard to see someone you love go through this. but if anyone can kick the "C" word's ass, these three are among those who can.

so, in the words of dionne warwick, say a little prayer, will you?

over and out

in the broken (c) 2009 elizabeth wills

2010-06-21T14:46:00.001-05:00

i come here
to bare you my soul
to make this thing whole
i come here

i run home
to find my way back
to the love that i lack
i run home

and there is peace in the broken
there's peace in the fall
but if your heart is open
it's not empty at all

and the sweetest surrender
that i have ever known
or that i can remember
i was standing here alone
but i was not alone, no no

i turn away
just to prove that i can fight
with all my stupid might
i turn away

so i say to you
that love will abide
if you do not hide your heart
i say to you

and there is peace in the broken
there's peace in the fall
but if your heart is open
it's not empty at all

and the sweetest surrender
that i have ever known
or that i can remember
i was standing here alone
but i was not alone, no no.

i come here
to bare you my soul
to make this thing whole
i come here . . .

(c) 2009 elizabeth wills

i wish it were possible to post a link to this song. it has been stuck in my head for weeks and is one of the most beautiful songs i have ever heard in my life. if you ever get the chance to buy elizabeth's CD "love comes home," do yourself the favor

xo
sharron

no such thing as coincidence

2010-05-22T20:51:00.005-05:00

my friend linda and i went to look at a house in east austin this morning - owned by a friend of hers who has, sadly, recently been diagnosed with cancer. it is such a cool house and she is such an amazing and brave woman. from there, being mid-day, we went to lunch and while we were waiting, linda read our horoscopes . . .

scorpio - 'why would you choose this bright, sunny moment to descend into the dark places and explore the fermenting mysteries? what renegade impulse would move you to turn away from the predictable pleasures and easy solutions and instead go off in quest of more complex joys and wilder answers? here's what i have to say about that: i think you long to be free of transitory wishes and fleeting dreams for a while so that you can get back into alignment with your deeper purposes. You need to take a break from the simple obsessions of your grayish, poker-faced ego, and reattune yourself to the call of your freaky, evergreen soul."

at first i thought - well, this clearly doesn't apply to me considering all i'm going through right now on the work front but linda looked at me and said, 'can you believe it? it's perfect.' and the more i've thought about it, the more i'm starting to think that what is happening at work could be a blessing in disguise. i even found the children's book i'd written over 15 years ago - and which i keep threatening to do something with - or try to. i'd not been able to find the manuscript in ages. all i knew was that it was in this house somewhere because i knew i'd seen it since i'd moved in. and today i got out of my funk (a big enough miracle) and found it.

while looking for it, i found a card - i love to buy cards but never seem to be able to find them when i want them - and it read: Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% what we do with what happens. (or something along those lines). point taken.

it's still a scary place to be but it could be so much worse. things can always be worse. and we can make them even worse still. we can also make them as normal as possible and make the best of what's given us and that's what i plan to do. i know life, or god or the universe will continue to throw her curve balls and blessings but - that's life.

for those of you who kindly continue to ask about her, gigi is fine and will be here next week and will be staying a week or two. my sister is driving her up on friday and on saturday morning we're all going to my nephew jeff's high school graduation. it's on the other side of the universe - something austin didn't use to have; everything was within 30 minutes - but not any more. so we'll be leaving here around 7:30 saturday morning to get to the 9:00 graduation on time. i can just see trying to get mom out of here at that time of day. i'm betting right now there will be 7 trips back into the house for me to get things she's forgotten once she's in the car. but this bus is going to leave at 7:30 whether she likes it or not. then we'll be home at some point for a nap and then dinner to celebrate jeff at 6. mom will sleep like a rock that night.

colleen has to go back to houston on sunday but mom's going to stay, as i mentioned above. buddy and shilo will be thrilled. they are both now housebroken and i hope to god they're not SO thrilled that they forget that fact. we need as many housebroken mammals as we can get in this place.

i haven't heard from cj yet again but noey has and everything seems to be going well. the fork on his new bike broke, however, and he called noey to ship him a new one until the manufacturer sends their replacement. brand new bike and the fork breaks. he is so hard on those bikes but i've got to think that so are some of the other mountain bikers - how many forks can these guys go through and why can't they build a bike with indestructible forks? yet another in the long list of questions that seem they should have simple answers.

still, at the end of the day, it's still about loving one another, being good to one another, doing the next right thing even when it's hard and trying to take the high road. not sure i've been the best in any of those departments the last two years. as hard as i thought things were when ali and i broke up; as many times as i didn't think i'd make it and then for this to happen at work on top of it all. . . .it's more important than ever for me to remember those things and to keep it together. as paula says, 'baby steps' but i have to remember that i know a lot more than i give myself credit for sometimes. just have to bring it to the surface.

hope to have some good gigi stories for you soon.

peace-
sharron

fryday

2010-05-14T19:47:00.003-05:00

cj and his two friends left convoy style for taos yesterday evening around 5 pm. they hoped to be to taos by 11 am, counting on stopping for a couple of hours to sleep. they got there pretty close to that time. however, my phone rang at 3 a.m. and i said, 'oh god, no.' thankfully, it was not c.j. but it was another relative - not one of my children - having a crisis of their own. it is hard enough handling something face to face but a totally different ball game when you're in another city. things finally got settled around 5 this evening but, please god or whatever/ whomever is out there, let things turn for the better, calmer way of life. i know i have it SO much better than so many others - i'm just on my last nerve it seems. got to get out of being stuck.

may day

2010-04-30T23:36:00.003-05:00

or almost. 24 minutes to go. it was 5 years ago today (30 april) that my dad passed away. and that's exactly what he did - passed as if he were just going to sleep while i held him in my arms. it was such a gift for me to be there with him but i miss him so much. all these years later and i still pick up the phone to call him sometimes. he'll be in my heart forever. marlene went to the cemetery as she does every year on this day. most years i'm there with her but i couldn't be this time. i was in phoenix for work until midnight last night then today i drove to houston for the memorial service of my best friend's mom. she died on monday. she ended up wanting to drive back to austin tonight but she was so tired from being in houston all week and dealing with all the things one must deal with at times like this so i went with her to take her sister home in houston, then to her mom's house to take care of a few things. then we met another friend for dinner and then i followed her back to austin - at least as far as the point where she went right and i went straight ahead. i just spoke to her and she got home fine - she said she was getting pretty tired around bastrop and wondered what i'd do if she started weaving and i told her i'd have figured it out. probably get jill on the phone :)

when i got to my house i was surprised to see c.j.'s truck in the driveway. he was asleep in his room but i woke him - not meaning to (not knowing he was asleep). he said he worked all day and has to work again tomorrow so thought he'd crash here. it makes me so happy to have him in the house. when i first woke him he seemed confused and i asked him if he was low and he said yes. so i said, 'hang on, i'll go get you something' and he said he'd already taken care of it. that i'd just startled him and he wasn't thinking right. so i went back in there in a little bit and asked him how he'd taken care of it when i have so little food in the house and he said he always keeps something in his truck - which is true. and i have to stop worrying. but i'm sure i'll check on him one more time - like he doesn't do just fine without me.

as i said, i had to drive into houston today - i think it was the first time in 2 years i've really driven INTO houston - like all the way in. not just to dairy ashford or eldridge. i could not believe - little old katy highway which was two lanes when we first moved to houston and then turned to 4 lanes and then to 8 lanes but be about 24 lanes now. there were so many damn signs i don't know how anyone is expected to read them. i knew to be toward the right to get on 610 and i followed that just fine only it's now a ramp that's part of a spaghetti bowl and as it got to the top of the rise and looked ahead and saw the mess of cars and trucks and more lanes and more signs i said to myself, 'i am going to freak out before i can even get to this funeral home.' and, as the universe would have it, the radio started playing "freak out." i can't even remember what group sang it and if it was from the 80s or late 70s but it made me laugh - as much as i could laugh while fearing for my life. when i got to the funeral home there were no cars in the parking lot. i walked to the door and it was locked. so i got back in the car and called information for the funeral home and they told me they had moved - but only down the block. at least i didn't have to freak out again.

and now it's may day. that's what we always used to call it at catholic elementary school and we'd have a may fete with white ribbons and somehow the "blessed mother" was always involved. was she the center of the may pole? i don't remember. but i do remember always loving that day and all the white and all the flowers.

the lady who looks after my home (god love her) stayed here while i was in phoenix to take care of buddy and shilo in the mornings and evenings and she put one of my favorite vases in my room with larkspur and poppies and other wildflowers from my backyard. it's so beautiful and it was so thoughtful of her.

i'm pretty tired now - just the drive through houston wore me out. then coming home i almost turned at the fayetteville exit out of habit. some things are harder to break from our subconscious than others. good thing i was following wendy - she kept me on the road to austin. we'd just stopped in ellinger at hruska's to get some caffeinated something or other. wendy got a coca cola with some writing on it about a tour that made the can not even look like coca cola. it was very tricky and a lousy thing to pull on someone who's about to fall asleep if they don't get some caffeine in them. there should be laws about confusing someone that way.

anyway, it's late. i think i'll go check on cj once more. i guess we never stop worrying about our kiddos - no matter how old and self sufficient they get.

'night

imperfect birds

2010-04-15T21:37:00.002-05:00

there's not been a book by anne lamott that didn't move me in some way. usually in a positive way, sometimes earth shaking. i just finished her new novel, 'imperfect birds.' i read it in two days - couldn't put it down and, at the end, wanted to throw it through the plate glass window like its own imperfect bird. i don't know if it made me angry, sad, agitated, or what - clearly something extremely emotional. yet, at the same time, i could relate with so much of the book. maybe that's what pissed me off. maybe it just wasn't the best time to read it. i don't know.

i still recommend it, i think. i mean it's anne lamott for god's sake. she's been what i needed just about every other time in my life. maybe the lessons just get harder.

parents

2010-04-09T18:34:00.005-05:00

i think that being a mom is the hardest thing in the world. (substitute dad for mom if appropriate) even when you have the best children in the world, it's still hard. you want to fix their every ill, their every disappointment, every let down and buffer every piece of bad news. but that's not the way it goes. it's even harder when you're on your own and the person you raised those children with is no longer around. not in your life; not in their lives. it's not only hard it's sad and i just realized today that it's one of the things that makes me the saddest about the end of my 10-year relationship. these are the days where it would have been just me and her with the kiddos coming for visits from time to time. i guess there's just no sense imaging your life to that degree given the propensity for the universe to get things off course.

i get through most days better now and i try not to show any sadness around the kids when they're here, after all, none of them even understand WHY i'm still sad about it - but 10 years with who you thought was a good woman and your life partner is a long time and a lot of disillusionment to deal with. and everything's a "scratch" - right kiki?

cj came by this afternoon and that was a nice surprise. cory and andi are coming over later to trade cars with me for the weekend. they're going to jackson, mississippi to pick up one of cory's good friends then returning to austin. tre's going to visit for a week then take the bus back to jackson i'd much rather they take my car than cory's, nice as it is, they'll get much better gas mileage with my car and have more room. aren't you happy to know that.

it's funny but two different people told me this week that they wish gigi was still living here because they miss all the stories about her. i was going to try to get her up here some time soon but i've got to go to d.c. (home of the cherry blossom romance) the week of the 18th; then to phoenix april 27-29 and then to portland may 6-9. so it will be some time after that before i can get her here. but i'm hoping she'll stay for a little while - i think it would be good for her although not so good for buddy and shilo - they're spoiled enough. it's also going to be on the condition that i pick her up and bring her home. if she thinks she's going to drive here in her cadillac - the QE2 version - she's out of her mind. she's the incredible shrinking woman for one thing and there aren't enough phone books in houston to help her see over the steering wheel. yet she continues to drive herself to the doctors and elsewhere - i'm thinking of getting bumper stickers and door stickers and signs for the front of her car that people can read in their rear-view windows that say, "IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE, STAY AWAY FROM THIS CAR"

maybe we can accidentally have her car stolen while she's visiting with me in may . . . . . hmmmm. there would be a lot fewer consequences than my sister, brother or i calling the texas department of public safety and reporting her as a loose cannon.

shilo is asleep in her favorite place - alongside the length of my left leg stretched out on the couch. buddy has taken his own place at the end of the couch rather than snuggle against my right hip. hopefully i haven't offended him somehow. i have lost 24 pounds so maybe he thinks there's not enough of a cushion although, louie knows there's plenty still left. 24 pounds down with another 42 to go. still, headed in the right direction.

my wildflowers out back are glorious and more glorious every day. never one to overdo it (snicker) i bought a bag of wildflower seed intended for an entire field and sowed them in a bed that's about 15 x 6. the birds and butterflies are loving it. day before yesterday i took nancy scott's suggestion and planted some marigolds. i don't really like marigolds all that much but every time i see them they remind me of her beautiful song and they're supposed to keep bugs away. this is texas. i don't think there's a marigold of any size to keep our bugs away. this summer i'm going to have an orange, pink and purple theme in the garden. i'm hoping to get more of it done this weekend and i SO wish my friend sykes (as cj insists i call her instead of her given name of ali) would come up for a weekend and let me pay her to help me in the garden. you should see the gardens she creates. they are amazing. as much as i love (and miss) my garden at stolen rock, the most beautiful garden i ever had was in houston on euclid street and it was a garden that sykes surprised me with. english country garden garden with climbing roses and lavender and things i still don't know the name for. it was glorious and you could NOT stay in a bad mood whenever you saw it. i wish i had photographs of it.

i'm also thinking about having the boys extend my back deck all the way to the fence. it will give me room for an outdoor "farm" table so we can have meals outside and give me more of a porch feel for rockers and the like. i got callie and chloe little "texas" rocking chairs from my friend kiki and can't wait to have them rock awhile for the first time.

the sun is setting - a glorious texas burnt orange setting with just the right amount of pink - so i think i'll end this and go enjoy it.

peace -

easter

2010-04-04T15:44:00.008-05:00

had a nice lunch with nowell and cj at one of the only places we could find open - thankfully one of our favorites. didn't expect cj to come to town today - he loves his new place so much and, after all, it is a weekend day. he rode his bike 90 miles yesterday and 50 the day before and was going to some dirt jumps before heading our here to get some more of his stuff.

his new place is SO him. a cabin in the woods with texas-sized mountains (i.e. big hills) to climb and rocky paths to ride the bike on and creeks and rivers and all kinds of cj things. the only thing wrong with it is i miss him. but that's what moms do.

the bluebonnets and wildflowers are out like you wouldn't believe this year. i had a feeling they might be as cold as the winter was and as much rain as we got as the spring neared. it makes me miss our place in bellville so much - and so much else. but there will be new things and better things. it's hard to imagine sometimes but i know there will be.

i planted some marigolds and mint earlier - when i got home from lunch. now i just have to remember to water them. bad habit of mine for years and years.

my friend paula was in town visiting her son and his family - including her two granddaughters and she spent the night with me last night and we had a good visit. there's nothing like old friends. not in the "old" as in years way - as in the been friends for lots of years way.

the sun and rain are playing games with one another. right now the sun is winning - sort of. we could use a little rain - not too much. i did remember to water my marigolds after planting them.

grateful for many things today.

happy easter, spring, passover, chocolate bunnies.

leave it to friends and family

2010-03-30T21:19:00.002-05:00

leave it to friends and family to remind you of all the right reasons you moved on - or are trying to.

moving on

2010-03-30T15:10:00.002-05:00

things that are moving on:

cj. found a cabin on 50 acres 10 minutes away from his college (by car). if you know cj, it is perfect for him. if you don't, trust me. my friends wendy and linda and i have always called him our boy from the country and he truly is. apparently, this couple he's renting from built this cabin to live in while they built their home (also on the 50 acres). 2 of the acres are on the blanco river - one of cj's and his cousin bill's favorite places to fish. the owners have told him he can have free access to any of the acreage to ride his bike, start a garden, help them build some trails (theirs for horses, his for his bike). and he really has his head in school this semester which is great. he moves in this weekend. my heart's breaking in a way not to have him here but i know it's perfect for him. and i'm told the end result of being a good parent is that your children grow up, move on and out and are good, responsible people. i don't feel like such a good parent most days but i do have the most wonderful 4 children on the planet. at least in my book. but boy will i miss him!

things that are not moving on:

me. i don't know why, two years later, i seem to be in a worst place than i was when everything was first happening or last year. i was with a friend recently who broke up with her partner of 11 years 2 1/2 years ago. she says you can't put a timetable on it. i was with two other friends who broke up after 10 years then got back together almost two years later and now they've been together 17 years. i've got people telling me all kinds of things but nothing makes sense and all i know is how much i hurt. how many questions i have and how many answers i'm never going to get. i wonder somedays if people will ever be able to recognize me without tears in my eyes or if i'll be able to have a conversation without the pieces of my shattered heart choking out the words. i know i'm not the only one who's been through this and i know a lot of people have had it a lot worse. but i also know how much we loved each other despite our problems and she still feels more like home than life without her. some days my children are my only hope but as long as there is hope we'll keep plodding along.

it's hard to believe it's already easter week. last year we had a big party here with all the family - cousins and everything. just couldn't pull it off this year but i've got a dear friend coming for the weekend to visit with her son's family and she's going to stay here so that is very special. we were invited to a passover meal on saturday night but don't think that's going to work out.

for now, have to go get ready to head out. cory's coming over and we're going to run some errands. how could i ever move very far away from austin and miss these times with my kiddos? as the french and english would say: impossible.